And this is how my blog is revitalized. I experienced a drought in my life.. my desire to write shriveled. I did not entirely lose myself, but I did forget a piece of myself. Misplaced most likely. Somewhere. So I planted some blue flowers. Promise to forget-me-not.

documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 6

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 6

GO TO JAIL.

GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL.

DO NOT PASS GO.

DO NOT COLLECT $200.

Riley Shae tends to draw the wrong card on occasion.. eh, on most occasions.

Starting over has always been difficult for me.

It’s rough to watch all you’ve worked for..all of the blood, the sweat, the tears..

*GONE!* *WHOOSH!*

was it worth it?

But really, was it?

I remember the uncontrollable smile on my face as I completed my final lap around the track

10 miles.

This was a momentous event for my wild self.

I hadn’t reached such a distance since the dispute with my body.

It took my two years to heal.

It took my two entire years of ups & downs

of ice packs & athletic tape

of doctor & therapy appointments–

& then one day, I finished the race.

I was back.

‘Twas a beautiful September afternoon.

I basked in the glory for a bit. I was shocked. Never did I imagine actually coming back from the dead.

But before I could do my cool down jog, life smacked me in the face.

7 classes later.

Crumbling friendships.

Tension.

Bad decisions.

Endless job hunting.

Illness.

Lack of sleep.

The hopeless endeavor to win over a guy.

The wrong priorities.

So many damn mistakes.

It was exhausting.

I stopped writing. I stopped calling my mom. I stopped making drinks. I stopped smiling.

I stopped running.

I cried a lot. My pillow put up with some mad shit lemme tell yuh.

My body screamed stress.

& I cursed “everything”.

I am a perfectionist, what more is there to say?

(no, this is not the anticipated way I answer “so what would you say is your biggest weakness?” at a job interview)

My performance in school is always on my radar (*cough* annoying perfectionist *cough*), thus it’s easy for me to trade my happiness & well-being to maintain a 4.0 GPA.

But a single realization can change a person.

Right.

What if I die tomorrow?

Would I be lying in a casket of regret for choosing perfectionism over laughing at myself?

For giving up so easily when once again my 10 mile victory morphed back into a one mile jog?

True strength is in flexibility.

It’s acceptance.

Accepting yourself.

It’s being able to reach the top at certain points in your existence, yet still being okay with all of the times you graze the bottom.

It was tough to find content in a body that once again aches as I attempt to conquer a trail (elevation yo).

It’s drawing the “GO BACK 3 SPACES” card, landing on Marvin Gardens (with a hotel eeek), & being chill with that.

But it is about your perception–

you can see yourself panting up a small incline–

or you can see yourself as making that wannabe Everest mountain YOUR BITCH.

 

As I struggled to complete that mile run today, I reminded myself:

the only way for me to truly appreciate my highest highs is to be okay with my lowest lows. As I said before, starting over just plain out sucks. & no matter how many times I have to start over, it’s still going to suck. Buuuuuttt it’s all about acceptance.

Life doen’t hand out “GET OUT OF JAIL FREE” cards (sadly).

Sometimes you just have to be okay with it.



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