documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit



Lots of doors come about in the new year, but let’s be real here. Why “open” doors? As you can see, pictured above is a closed door. I get the whole opportunity buzz of 2019, but are you actually going to encourage doors that are not shut? I mean think about your air conditioning/heating bills! Think about crane flies of June buggers bombarding your house this summer! Think about nicely dressed men holding pamphlets that read “JESUS SAVES!” who will clearly know you are home if the door is wide open! What?? Are you telling me you sleep with your bedroom door open? Your closest door also?? Okay, that ain’t right. That just ain’t right man.

Enough of this door talk, though. I apologize for the rants..I just can’t get a handle on that concept….hahahah punny..very punny. *sees self to door* *but door is closed* CAUSE FOOK OPEN DOORS!!

What truly matters? My resolutions. Obviously. I know that is what all of you readers have been dying to hear! Or I guess read (2k19 goal is to be hip enough to have a YouTube channel…with believe or not, followers! So then you can hear my annoying voice that cracks like a 12 year old boy going through puberty! Nahhh I’m kidding. I don’t have a nice enough camera to partake.)

Well, I narrowed the resolutions to five. Not for your convenience, but solely because I have learned that by setting my expectations low, I am less of a disappointment to myself. It is what any logical person would do.

Ri Bread’s Resolutions:


I want to call this list:


SoooOooo much better. Or should I say so much BUTTER. (Sorry I can’t exit because of this whole closed door thingy).

  1. Not bleed to death every time I take a shower because of razor cuts. I swear I am probably going to be iron deficient due to this daily spill. It sucks. Especially if you don’t notice & suddenly your leg looks like a red Niagara Falls. Not to mention, I am going to eventually Niagara FALL over from losing an entire limbs worth of blood at once.
  2. Finish what I start. How else will I succeed in life? I shall finish homework! I shall finish cleaning my room instead of shoving everything in my closet! I shall finish college! I shall finish that bottle of Moscato if you insist!
  3. Not be ugly! I have no idea how to achieve this, so if any of you have any methods (legal methods preferred, but I am all ears to anything), let me know. I am JUST tired of waking up in the morning JUST to see my butt ugly face in the mirror & say, “FUuuuuuuckkkk.” Yuh feel? Maybe it’s Maybelline? Or maybe she’s JUST UGLY. @me @myself @I
  4. Get hit by the Louie Line in front of a group of angry parents& lawyers. *chuh-ching* & in the blink of an eye– my college is paid for. I want to try to get video of it & end up on one of those college humor Twitter pages, as well, so I can become famous & maybe get sent some free stuff to promote. I mean this blog is getting me nowhere because even if I have a name tag on people still don’t recognize me. Ugh. One day I will be able to proudly wear sunglasses indoors without giving off the impression of being a professional goon. I want you all to just think for a moment about how life-changing getting hit by a bus can be…no debt! Fame! & with fame comes free FitTea that MUST work because every celebrity posts about it!
  5. Be more positive! It is truly all about perspective. How a person chooses to perceive the world is the difference between fulfillment or dejection (fun fact: dejection can also be a synonym for poo hahahahah). How does one be more positive? It starts with changing all of my negative numbers to positive ones in my physics homework.
    It starts with positive pregnancy tests. It starts with reopening my Facebook & overwhelming the Internet with cheesy quotes from 2009 about rainbows after rain!!!!!!

Well, guys. Do you believe in me? Can I accomplish these dreams if I invest all of my time, energy, & willpower to these goals? Should I cut off my friends, family… or how about all civilization to avoid distractions??? Hmmmm.. desperate times do in fact scream bloody murder for desperate measures…mhhmmmmm.

Stay tuned!

Will Ri Bread be more than a failure????

LOL. Good one.

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