documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

JOB INTERVIEW JARGON

JOB INTERVIEW JARGON

Location- Wang’s Closet

Time- 10:57 A.M.

Date- BLACK FRIDAY

Temperature- wee bit nippy

Caffeine-levels- dangerously high

Intestines- dangerously backed up because green bean casserole

Mood- Excited to get our prize for being in the first ten people in line at the door, but not excited to stand here for 3 hours

Thoughts- this shall be a great on-the-spot job interview place thingy aye

& thus the interview commenced:

  • Tell me a little about yourself. Asher: I’m a pretty funny loving guy. Tori: I’m tired.
  • What three word describe you. Asher: Long, hard, & thick. With two C’s? No three. Thiccc. Tori: Long, tan, & handsome. Hmm a lengthy bunch I’d say.
  • What would you say your greatest weakness is? Asher: Patience. Tori: Asher.
  • Why should we hire you? Asher: Because fuck the Mayweddas. Tori: Cause I’m on the money team.
  • What attracted you to this company? Asher: Um what company I didn’t know I was interviewing for a company. Tori: The money. Wait put the cash flow instead.
  • Give me an example of a time that you felt you went above and beyond the call of duty at work. Asher: Everyday when me & Tori have sex. Wait you’re not actually putting that in— are you?? Tori: Waiting in line at Wang’s closet. They better fucking give me something good.
  • If you were at a business lunch and you ordered a rare steak and they brought it to you well done, what would you do? Asher: I’d flip the table. Tori: I’d kill myself.
  • If selected for this position, can you describe your strategy for the first 90 days? Asher: Do everything right. Try not to fuck up. Yeah. Play Migos. Tori: Make money.
  • Pineapple on pizza? Asher: Very manageable. Tori: Scrumptious.
  • Ketchup or Catsup? Asher: Catsup. Keep the cats off the mats bruh. Tori: A side of ranch.
  • What is your personal mission statement? Tori: Checks over stripes. Asher: EEEEEPAAA eat my shorts.
  • Hot dogs or corn dogs? Asher: Neither fuck that. Ew. Vegan life for life. Tori: Puppy dogs.
  • Top or bottom? Asher: Top. Dominance. Tori: Top. Dominance.
  • If you have to take a shit, would you wait until work & disrespectfully wreck our toilet in order to avoid an uncomfortable situation with the roommate you share a bathroom with? Asher: I’d take half a shit at work and half a shit at home. & scream scooby doo! Tori: Work for sure.
  • If I said this was actually an interview for an unpaid internship, what would you say? Asher: Take this interview back. I want the money back. Tori: Fuck this.

YOU’RE HIRED.

After the successful interview & two new employees ready work, I realized I needed to develop a company for them to work for. I hadn’t yet committed to anything, but with committed people willing to work for me, I had to use my creative mad genius skills to take advantage of this.

Well, while waiting in line for the most SUPREME gifts of all time, we discovered an Instagram story had just been posted on Wang’s Closet’s page. It revealed that the first ten people were only going to receive $20 store credit & stickers. Ha. SUPREME stickers. Ha. LOL. Good one. We can now purchase 1/16 of a shoe!! After overcoming the stages of grief…particularly the denial part. We found we weren’t able to heal. We were stuck in the bargaining phase. SUDDENLY I came up with this incredible idea..I’m going to start a company to protect those from the unjust. To protect the children, the mothers, & the unhappy emo kids. I’m starting a company called “Riot4Rent”. Boom. With the help of my new, eager team, anything is possible. With a few more hirees, we’ll be set. We’ll round up some angry high schoolers & burn shit down! We will chant! We will fall on our knees, throwing a tantrum like bloody murder. Only $69.99 per riot. It’ll cost an extra $4.20 for the “extended pack” which includes an angry PTA mother. I’m hoping if we play our cards right I can fire all of my employees & buy robots to replace them. Sorry Tori & Asher, but desperate times calls for desperate measures & as soon as the situation involves my paycheck, I’m donating my humanity & compassion & hiding it on some island where the government will never find it.



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