And this is how my blog is revitalized. I experienced a drought in my life.. my desire to write shriveled. I did not entirely lose myself, but I did forget a piece of myself. Misplaced most likely. Somewhere. So I planted some blue flowers. Promise to forget-me-not.

documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit



I have given advice on how to win the hearts of the ladies, so this time I’m changing it up& doing the opposite..

Yes, I am here today, as a long-time hopeless romantic with an astoundingly low success rate, to hand over some GUARANTEED to work advice.

Okay, most people would probably be asking themselves, “Why would I trust this weird girl with an avocado on her leg?”

But lucky for me, most people don’t read my blog, thus the select 13 or so who do will most likely not even question my invisible bibliography to back up my advice..why? I’m assuming it’s because you all casually inhale a shit ton of the hmm-well-this-smell-is-not-good-but-I-can’t-say-I-don’t-like-it gasoline when filling up the tank. Caught yuh. Kids these days.

I could babble on about drugs, but I’m sure you’d all much rather experience them & instead read about my boy advice.

  1. Take on the nickname “slut”. All of my dude pals call me a “slut” in public places, out of nowhere, & loud enough for others to hear. See, I embrace this. Because the un-shitty people who choose to get to know me before straight up believing this assumption are pleasantly surprised to find I am not a slut. Or a sloot. I am just a ri bread who has the end goal of someday being a slut. Okay pretend that made sense.
  2. Stare at them. I mean don’t even try to hide it. Just give em your blankest stare. & when they return a weird look, don’t even blink. After a solid 7 or so minutes, raise one eyebrow up & down. Still don’t blink. ‘Tis all about the locked gaze. When your dry eyes begin to hurt, DO NOT EVEN THINK TO STOP. Love at first sight. This is how it is properly done.
  3. Eat your banana with a fork. They will know that you are very classy. Trust me.
  4. Never take a shit again. If you feel like you need to release the hounds, suck it back in. Because girls do not poop. Simple as that. SUCK IT BACK UP BITCH. Kinda like how you suck a suroin– same idea.
  5. Borrow a child from a neighbor– the stinkier the better. I swear, dudes love the idea of having to raise a family. They just can’t contain themselves..they crave the thought of having to pay for & dealing with a little brat before they are even old enough to legally drink!! Soooo desirable. You might have to eventually pay the kid to pretend to be yours, but love is priceless. It will get you the guy.

Well, I hope my advice is the answer to all of your boy troubles.

I am leaving it at that because the rest is up to you.

Rope them in. Goat tie that feller. Yeeeeet.

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