documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

ESSENTIALS FOR THE 4TH OF JANUARY 2019

ESSENTIALS FOR THE 4TH OF JANUARY 2019

What the haul???

Are you kidding me? Ri Bread is actually making a post about things you should buy?? Like one where she sits on her bed in flawless lighting & pulls shit out of her bag & tells you how much she just ADORES each item??

Honestly… like honestly. Honestly? I am kinda hurt you’d think I’d do such a thing. I mean, as I’ve said before, I suck, but I really don’t suck that much.

Okee, the reason I’m writing this post today is to give you all a grocery list comprised of the necessities of Friday January 4th, 2019. Why the fourth? Well, no one else has given you a list of essentials for that day..so how are you supposed to know how to spend it & what to get? You might be set for the third & the fifth, but WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ABOUT THE FOURTH??? THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!

Shout out to Tori for assisting me in this post.

Ri’s List– the January 4th exclusive:

  • Blanket scarves. They are the perfect way to bundle up when it is chilly outside & to casually suffocate yourself on your way to work.
  • Seasonal Larabars.. SNICKERDOODLE. SOOO GOOOOOD. Check that. Anything seasonal. You know that feeling in your gut when you walk into a store & suddenly everything festive is no where to be seen? Empty shelves? Tears streaming down your face. Yup, sorry to break it to you, but you will not be smelling any more gingerbread cookies until you survive the next 10 miserable months. Better get on that shit now. Race through the aisles with your shopping cart &dramatically throw everything in. Call out “yeeeeet!” Punch a few civilians that are blocking your path. Am I describing the zombie apocalypse or Black Friday at Walmart?
  • Squash— AYYEE SQUASH UP! (get it? like squad up but squash ahhahahah yes.)
  • Venti Americanos *mhmmm* with a dash of cinnamon on top because festive as fuck.
  • Tacky faux fur coats. Hence faux.
  • No snow shoes only platform boots & don’t forget to bring your stability, as well. Struttin’ takes balance girl, lemme tell yuh.
  • Burt’s Bees Gingerspice lip balm. So delicious.
  • Cars with bun warmers—toasty! aka heated seats! Ugh, I can’t even begin to explain how much this impacts my life as a constantly-shivering-at-anything-below-90-degrees creature. Warning: this might require you to purchase a new vehicle.
  • Pine and Teakwood candles—smells like wild boys! Uh-huh honey.  OooOoooh & also the body lotions & fragrances!!!! Not going to lie, though..I love guy scents. SCREW SWEET PEA & COTTON CANDY KISS! I want to smell like NOIR, BOURBON, & CYPRESS. NOT JAPANESE CHERRY BLOSSOM!!!!! *flips Bath & Bodyworks register* *uses all of the samples* *crawls out door with shopping bag on head*
  • Dry, cracked hands.
  • The weather app always up &draining your phone battery because knowing the temperature is truly vital when you’re a pussy when it comes to anything below 65 degrees.
  • Crud on your sleeves from rubbing your dripping nose so much.
  • Vaseline to lather below your dry nose from rubbing it with your cruddy sleeve so much.
  • The warm breath clouds in the cold air that you mistake for vape clouds. I get all excited only to be let down. But what’s new?
  • An “8” with a “9” written over it on all of your papers & documents because you keep forgetting ’tis a new year. Look, you need to move on. Times change Karen. The end of the world did not take place in 2012 nor are you Bill Murray living the same day over & over. MOVE ON.

Purchase these items. Why? Because I am claiming they are totally awesome! & why wouldn’t you believe me? I am basically a famous Youtuber minus the fame & the Youtube channel. So..um.. get to it?



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