documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

The Optimist’s Spring Break (w/out ANY sarcasm)

The Optimist’s Spring Break (w/out ANY sarcasm)

Hey guys. Hi. What is up?

Catch your girl Ri “LIVING MY BEST LIFE” *HEART EMOJI* *CAT EMOJI* *INSERT INSTA PHOTO OF ME THROWING HANDS UP & FAKE LAUGHING AT BEACH*

It has been the spring equinox for four days now. It snowed in Flagstaff yesterday morning. I only cried three times in the last three days. In the last week I only went to bed without taking my make-up off once. Billie Eilish’s album comes out this Friday. Flume released a new mixtape…& it has been a minute yo! I guess you could say life is pretty okay.

So only four days left of mercury in retrograde, which gives me enough time to have like seven more fights with my boyfriend (with an excuse– afterward, I just look like a crazy bitch). I am supposed to be getting my period this week…fingers-crossed the boost in hormones helps me instigate some drama!

I decided not to go to Mexico this break because I wanted to give my body a detox, but I have been iced almost every single day since I have been off. Sweet.

I tanned for a bit, which is such an accomplishment for a ginger. I mean I am now like a darker shade of porcelain. But I made the mistake for tanning longer than thirty-five seconds without sunscreen & now I resemble a cherry tomato. I hate tomatoes. Now I’m shedding my skin like a snake.

Speaking of snakes, it is their season now. The warm weather means it is time to slither out of the shrubs. PSA: remember to stay alert hikers! This is also a metaphor because so many toxic people keep coming & going & biting me in the back & suffocating me to the point where I can no longer exhale the negativity & inhale the positivity. My advice to you: chop their heads off with a garden shovel. Bitches.

I am digging this Phoenix heat, though. I mean it does kind of suck having to shave my legs now after growing out my winter fur coat. This morning when I shaved, I did not notice that I sliced my ankle & ended up tracking what looked like a murder scene around my house. My white carpet is stained with reddish brownish crud now.

I have not caught up on any of the Netflix shows I said I would finish watching. I have not got ahead on any of the homework I said I was going to start, so catch me sobbing this Sunday night about all of the shit I have to do. Good thing I washed my bedding a few hours ago just to cover it with mascara & snot!! Yippee! Refreshing.

I promised myself I’d fix my sleep schedule, too. It is quite damaged. In order to no longer have a bad sleep schedule, I completely got rid of it. Genius. I know. My fantastic results can be seen in the bags under my eyes. *cough* PRADA *cough*

No, I am not coughing above to be low key about my *pretend* wealth (check out my student debt!) but instead because there is no better way to end this break off than with a case of strep. Content that getting my tonsils removed & suffering with that damn scab in my throat paid off! LOL.

Last but not least, music festivals have finally affected my health…via my stomper shoes (the ones that make me look like I belong in KISS). How? Well, I now have a beautiful bunion. Yep, I used to make fun of those bunion removal commercials & now I find myself picking up two prescriptions for bunion pain courtesy of the foot doctor. Misshapen bones in your feet are pretty sexy, right? I am hoping that I qualify for those removal commercials to revamp my acting career.

Hope your spring break was swell!

Mine actually was. I know this entire blog post is sarcastic, but this last part is not. So quick shout out to the universe for the wonderful souls who made me wish it was be summer break already! Love you all bunches xx!

Happy back 2 skool my friendos.



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