documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

THIS DOGGO IS ABOUT TO DRIVE THE TRUCK HAHAHAH NOW DON’T BE STRESSED YUH SILLY GOOSE THIS IS TOO FUNNY TO BE STRESSED LIKE IMAGINE IF YOU SAW HIM IN THE LANE OVER

THIS DOGGO IS ABOUT TO DRIVE THE TRUCK HAHAHAH NOW DON’T BE STRESSED YUH SILLY GOOSE THIS IS TOO FUNNY TO BE STRESSED LIKE IMAGINE IF YOU SAW HIM IN THE LANE OVER

Ah.
Ahhh.
Ahhhh my god.
I swear I’m on the verge of exploding.
Head pounding. Heart pounding.                                                                                      “Hmmm I suddenly have the urge to punch something.”

MAYBE A SMALL CHILD

I swear I might as well roll away into the distance at this very moment because I AM A BALL OF STRESS.
And being stressed might just be one of the worst feelings ever. No exaggeration my friendos.
What a frenzy our mind becomes…
so this is my shout out to @life *blocked & reported bitch* for being such a great pal to me these previous 19 years.
@life ALWAYS knows just the perfect time to spontaneously combust.

Hahahahahahahahahaha that’s noice.

Okay, okay, fine, mhmm, I’ll relax. As a professional stressor (Monday through Thursday from 9 A.M. to 5 P.M. and Sunday nights from 11:43 P.M. to 11:59 P.M.), I have learned numerous ways of toning down the time-to-scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-because-everything-is-falling-apart attitude that likes to overcome our rationality once in a while. So instead of stressing you out with a super duper long post, I’ll just hand over the list…

inhale
1, 2, and 3–
now exhale

*phase 1 of project un-stress has now been completed*

Now, here are some of my most stellar tips to alleviate that damn stress (damn as in crappy, not the damn that’s like “ooohh daayyyymmmn baby you hella swella fine ayyyee”)

I apologize if that explanation of the word “damn” gave you a rush of anxiety– ’twas a lot of ((what do the 2010 middle schoolerz call it again?? oh yeaahhhh ratchet!!)) ’twas a lot of ratchetness to take in all at once.

5 TIPS TO UNDO THE STRESS WAD IN YOUR DESIGNATED PERIOD UNDERWEAR (only home girls will understand the reference most likely):

  1. Take a bath. Shut up about the whole “swimming in your own filth blah blah blahhh” notion. I swear, there’s nothing better than falling (like legit falling because I am such a clumsy human) into a fresh, steamy, bubbly, so-tight-that-you-might-feel-like-you-are-returning-to-the-womb bath. *insert oohs and ahhs* The whole closing your eyes and detoxifying is such a lovely sensation. Just wash your problems down that drain. Simple. Oh, and rub your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/dog with those wrinkly prune fingers right on their cheek when they least expect it… so kinky am I right?? No, I am not right. Not right at all.
  2. Make yourself some avocado toast. Why? It’ll keep your mind busy! It takes a crazy amount of focus to cut, peel, slice, & spread avocado, yet the experience is such a freeing one. The pop of your accidentally burnt toast will be a moment of true enlightenment as you mend the damage with some mashed avocado. This is the real-life version of “You’re not broken, just burnt. You can learn to love again” ft. the world’s BEST fruit. Everyone, please remember that the pit in your stomach is temporary…throw it in the trash can in a similar fashion that you would remove an avocado pit.
  3. Go on a run! Sprinting up a steep mountain is my favorite destressifier (yes I made up that word). I know the mere thought of moving any faster than crawling on all fours immediately makes you surge in stress, but think about it for a second… *plays Jeopardy theme* Running might cause you the most excruciating pain EVER, but then it will make the pain from all you are stressing about seem insignificant! Don’t forget to stretch first!
  4.  Take a chill pill! Over-the-counter! At your local pharmacy! These don’t exist! Ha! I wish my struggles could be solved that easily! Okay, proceed to the last tip! Dude, get out of here! Go! I am not encouraging drugs! Now go to number five!
  5. Write what’s stressing you out on a piece of paper. This ACTUALLY helps me. I think putting your thoughts, appointments, worries, homework assignments, etc. right in front of you makes everything seem that much less of a big deal! In your brain, it is blown out of proportion. It’s important to realize most of the stuff we stress about is either completely out of our control or us future tripping. What matters is the present (don’t make me quote King Fu Panda kids). We put pressure on ourselves that’s completely unnecessary. Worry about shit when it happens because worrying about what might happen is only going to make you suffer twice.

And I close this with:
Good luck. Give everything that stresses you out a middle finger. Well, hmmm, maybe not your boss. Or your mom. Or that little old lady that just took the grocery cart you were about to grab…
eh, you get the point.



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