2018 ‘TIS SOME SHITTY RESOLUTIONS
Gotta love the start of a New Year, right? I mean who doesn’t just adore the idea of being one year closer to death, one glass (more like fifteen glasses) of champagne closer to liver failure, & one more topic (aka your absence of a midnight kiss) to talk about at your next therapy session? Or better yet, the moment the clock strikes 12 & you’re dancing around to Toto as confetti rains down the same way it does in Africa… BAM. The sun suddenly startles your celebration & the woot woot turns into a shit I gotta get my life together.
“No big deal”
“I have 364 more days to figure this poo out.”
That’s what I said on January 1st, 2017.
*downs bottle of Cabernet*
I swear I’m okay, I swear I’m okay.
Okay, back to my point. New Year… NEW ME.
hahahahha I wish.
Here are a few of the BEST resolutions of mine for 2-KAYYYYYYEEEE-18 all compiled together for your convenience. Let me know if they are relatable or inspire you a teeny bit, so I can try to stop this quickly-descending, nearly non-existent self-esteem of mine. *insert desperation* *downs second bottle of Cabernet*
THE LIST (duuuddee clever name– trust me, I know, you don’t have to tell me):
- Do more drugs. Like ugh. Drugs are so damn expensive & with little money coming in, I legit can’t afford anything. But drugs make the world go ’round *pops gummy bear vitamin* & they really release the inner bad ass in all of us *downs cup of Nyquil* *blows alpenhorn RIIIIICCCOOOLLAAAA*
- Make more money. This is in order to facilitate the completion of resolution #1. How to make money? Not quite sure. Probably pawn a couple family relics or something.. we shall see.
- Only make poor decisions during 2018. Therefore, throughout 2019, everyone will be like “Oooohhh ahhhhh woooowww look how much Ri is growing as a person!! Prime example. Wow. Whoa. Hard work pays off! Nice!” & then, I can publish a book about how I overcame my lowest lows & can pretend people will pay to read a book about someone with no significance whatsoever.
- Start an avocado farm. Yes, that is not a typo. No, I am not on drugs (remember I can’t afford them yet). I am just passionate about these treasures of Earth. Do I even have to explain? Why say more when you all know the rest?
- Learn how to change the toilet paper roll thingys. I actually know how to do this, but it always takes like a week for me to finally stop resting it on top of the empty one. I hope to begin this change & inspire others to follow the same path. It starts through leadership & through education of the public… particularly @allcollegemales
- Expose my ears to more loud sounds. If I stand close enough to the speakers at concerts, blow up my tympanic membrane (ear drum), & become completely death, then I no longer have to waste time & money trying to save my hearing via doctor’s appointments, treatments, & medications. At that point, I’m just straight foooooooked! Ri’s lesson to all you kiddos: fook yourself up sooner rather than later in order to save time&money! Genius. Alrighty. *rolls away into sunset*
- Get no sleep at all. None. Nawwhhh-duuhhhh. I already don’t get enough, thus instead of having a bad sleep schedule, I am just going to completely get rid of it! In other words, I can’t have a bad sleep schedule if I don’t have one in general. He. He. The stables have turned now. *rides stallion away into sunset*