documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit



Gotta love the start of a New Year, right? I mean who doesn’t just adore the idea of being one year closer to death, one glass (more like fifteen glasses) of champagne closer to liver failure, & one more topic (aka your absence of a midnight kiss) to talk about at your next therapy session? Or better yet, the moment the clock strikes 12 & you’re dancing around to Toto as confetti rains down the same way it does in Africa… BAM. The sun suddenly startles your celebration & the woot woot turns into a shit I gotta get my life together. 

“No big deal”

“I have 364 more days to figure this poo out.”


That’s what I said on January 1st, 2017.


*downs bottle of Cabernet* 

I swear I’m okay, I swear I’m okay.

Okay, back to my point. New Year… NEW ME.

hahahahha I wish.

Here are a few of the BEST resolutions of mine for 2-KAYYYYYYEEEE-18 all compiled together for your convenience. Let me know if they are relatable or inspire you a teeny bit, so I can try to stop this quickly-descending, nearly non-existent self-esteem of mine. *insert desperation* *downs second bottle of Cabernet*

THE LIST (duuuddee clever name– trust me, I know, you don’t have to tell me):

  1. Do more drugs. Like ugh. Drugs are so damn expensive & with little money coming in, I legit can’t afford anything. But drugs make the world go ’round *pops gummy bear vitamin* & they really release the inner bad ass in all of us *downs cup of Nyquil* *blows alpenhorn RIIIIICCCOOOLLAAAA*
  2. Make more money. This is in order to facilitate the completion of resolution #1. How to make money? Not quite sure. Probably pawn a couple family relics or something.. we shall see.
  3.  Only make poor decisions during 2018. Therefore, throughout 2019, everyone will be like “Oooohhh ahhhhh woooowww look how much Ri is growing as a person!! Prime example. Wow. Whoa. Hard work pays off! Nice!” & then, I can publish a book about how I overcame my lowest lows & can pretend people will pay to read a book about someone with no significance whatsoever.
  4. Start an avocado farm. Yes, that is not a typo. No, I am not on drugs (remember I can’t afford them yet). I am just passionate about these treasures of Earth. Do I even have to explain? Why say more when you all know the rest?
  5. Learn how to change the toilet paper roll thingys. I actually know how to do this, but it always takes like a week for me to finally stop resting it on top of the empty one. I hope to begin this change & inspire others to follow the same path. It starts through leadership & through education  of the public… particularly @allcollegemales
  6. Expose my ears to more loud sounds. If I stand close enough to the speakers at concerts, blow up my tympanic membrane (ear drum), & become completely death, then I no longer have to waste time & money trying to save my hearing via doctor’s appointments, treatments, & medications. At that point, I’m just straight foooooooked! Ri’s lesson to all you kiddos: fook yourself up sooner rather than later in order to save time&money! Genius. Alrighty.  *rolls away into sunset*
  7. Get no sleep at all. None. Nawwhhh-duuhhhh. I already don’t get enough, thus instead of having a bad sleep schedule, I am just going to completely get rid of it! In other words, I can’t have a bad sleep schedule if I don’t have one in general. He. He. The stables have turned now. *rides stallion away into sunset* 

Well, those are the good ol’ bunch of resolutions I have in store for this coming year! Feel free to steal some if you want to improve your overall quality of life. Lots of happiness guaranteed.

I am not liable for any injuries or death caused by the dankness of these resolutions.

Thank you.


Ri Bread

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