documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit



I’m not really sure what this post has become. It’s kinda discombobulated. Kinda a big mess. Kinda cluttered. But I’m pretty confused with everything, so I guess you’ll get a chance to see things from my befuddled perspective. Good luck to my 13 readers.

I’ve reached the point in my existence where I’ve found myself with no destination in particular & no person left to turn to–

that sounded quite depressing, but lemme tell yuh. I’m soooo not about to kill your mood. I’m currently drinking a triple shot house coffee, so if anything, IT BOUT TO GET WILD.

Okay, anywho, on multiple occasions I have hit what appears to be rock bottom.

& as most of you know *insert cringe* I have a very weak spot for puns…


in honor of this all-time low rock bottom state of being, I’ve rested my fate in the rocks themselves.

{{Side note: I just spilled a shit ton of steamed almond milk while attempting to pour it on my granola & I am getting the “god damn millennials” stare down from all of these old folks at Macy’s. Maybe they know I’m one of them kiddos who is willing to spend their retirement fund on avocado toast.}}

Hello, my name is Riley and you can catch me carrying around some dank stones in my handy dandy pockets like your average “this-many” years old *holds up hand raising 4 four- or is it five- fingers*


Okay, I confess. I’ve had my heart not broken.. more like completely annihilated. I swear my heart spontaneously combusted at least 17.613 times these last few months.

&what doesn’t kill you, can only make you stronger, right?


I was convinced I was cursed. Karma? Bad juju? “Or maybe you’re just ugly” *insert Spongebob meme*

Now, I constantly carry around the stone of “Unconditional Love”. I’m actually wearing it around my neck at this very moment.

Why? Instead of attempting to explain, click this link if you care enough to waste your time reading about it.

Here’s a shout out to all of you boys who randomly dropped me.. I mean yo we don’t have to be in one of those spooky, serious relationships built on snapchat streaks &subtweets.. I just thought you were kinda funny & chill & would make a swell friendo.

Here’s another shout out to the mean girls. The girls that have made me cry. The girls that stole everything: my tenderness and healing, my nourishment and comfort, my compassion and peace. The girls that often left me questioning my self-worth every time I came face-to-face with my reflection. You are Earth’s finest creations.

& here’s one last shout out to the dog-os of Flagstaff. Tangent? Yes. Ha. But I love dogs so much. Yeeee.

It’s difficult to establish anything meaningful when we allow ourselves to be filled with doubt. As I said before, I’ve recently stumbled upon some rough patches– it’s been daunting. I think it’s easy to lose sight of the sun when we stop looking for it, choosing to face the ground rather than the limitless sky. I’ve put myself in a spiritless atmosphere. I’d like to thank the overcoming binds of fear for that. I mean it sucks. It absolutely sucks to lose people you care about. How it goes down is irrelevant because the burning sting of rejection hurts the same in every situation. BRB gotta go get caught up in the cycle of “what’s wrong with me” & “why am I not good enough”.

To protect myself, I removed the essential trust that gives relationships their durability. But it seemed necessary..if you don’t expect anyone to stay, then what is there to lose?

Let me answer that for you.

Everything. Substance. Happiness.

For a bit of time, I lived precariously. I can’t stress enough the scars we gain from heart break. Yes, those certain shitty songs played over& over on the radio make us more annoyed by this claim than ever, but that doesn’t make it not true. It’s terrifying to open up to others who might just disappear into the sunset the next day. (&I’m not talking about my favorite &classic roll away into the sunset, but instead the see ya later alligator that results in your tireless self leaving your phone volume on high, waiting for a single ring that you’ll probably never hear).

Deprivation. That’s what that is. We deprive ourselves of our inherent aptitude- to bond. & here I am with the firm belief that I repel people. That the humans that I see the brightest lights in their eyes only see blackness in mine. That the blinking vacancy sign on cheap motels is always going to be hanging on my decrepit heart. That’s the problem. We give up on ourselves. Yes, there are a few bad apples we are going to encounter, who are going to temporarily set us back, but I’ve learned that the worst mistake we can do is let these junctures define who we are.

Before you realize it, you’ll put yourself on an island & how can we expect anyone to rescue us if they don’t know we’ve gone missing?

But for real, I’ve been carrying rose quartz around as my second heart. As my constant reminder that maybe some crappy people have left me standing in the cold, but the universe is more than those buttheads who just don’t understand (well hmm well um yeah somewhat debatable here in Flag. I’m always cold here. I blame Rita Cheng).

My MANY pieces of rose quartz have led me to a few thoughts:

  1. Maybe there’s not an absence of love in the world.
  2. Maybe it’s not that people are vile creatures who take & take & take.
  3. Maybe it’s that unconditional love can’t find a person who doesn’t unconditionally love themselves.
  4. Maybe we should start giving without the expectation of receiving anything in return.
  5. Maybe rose quartz isn’t going to solve all of my petty problems with its oh-so powerful energies.
  6. It’s my job. It’s not a matter of collecting love from others. There’s no point in waiting around for someone to sweep you off your feet, embrace you in a hug, & remind you that it’s going to get better. Love is always available inside of you& it’s your choice of whether to use it or not.

& it’s okay if this mission starts with carrying around a crystal. It’s a mental reminder. It is love my eyes can verify. It’s something I can grasp between my fingers.. Like a tool. Whoa whoa wait. Not just any average Bob the Builder tool… it’s MY bad ass, psychedelic mf rock tool.

If you are procrastinating homework or really dig rocks, continue reading.

Here’s the tale of how rose quartz and I first met. Unfortunately, it wasn’t via Tinder superlike or at one of those iconic frat parties (where everyone has such GREAT personalities)…

About 10 ish months ago, I remember that pit in my stomach (no not like an avocado pit hahaha that would’ve been stellar!!!). But a pit that reminds you of being punched in the gut… that forces you into the dreaded nausea & light-headedness. I had never experienced loneliness in such a sudden fashion. There were always people around me, yet the connection went missing, the comfort had run off, the memories were devoid.. I was empty.

& then one day, while exploring Sedona, I laid eyes on a stone.

It was pink. I never was a huge fan of pink. This one summoned me to hold it.

It was sooooo tiny, nearly microscopic. Smaller than the nail on my pinky.

& ’twas a piece of Rose Quartz. 

I thought it was pretty & it emitted an obscure energy.

God damn I sound like one of those Flagstaffians.  SMH.

& maybe it wasn’t rose quartz. Maybe it was time that naturally healed my wounds, maybe the pain was just part of the process of heart break, but regardless, my story made a complete (most likely illegal) U-turn. I was saved. I used to give credit to the power of the crystal.. but truly it was some extraordinary human beings-

& I doubt these significant people have any idea that they brought me out of my grief.

That was my mediocre (because you all are worth waaayy more than my lame vocabulary) shout out to those exquisite souls who retaught me how to smile.

Next time I pass you in the streets, you might be gifted a “hello” & a crystal.


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