documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit



Finals are here. & I am out. Yuh feel me? ‘Tis a rough period for most college students. I’m guessing your semester-long disillusionment is fading and you’re finally sober enough to realize your grades aren’t as superb as you last remember? Maybe you’re in a delirium because you’ve discovered the “W” on your transcript stands for “withdrew” not for “winner”? ‘Tis a struggle. Reality always seems to hit us vulnerable kids head-first. The hysteria is spreading through campus more quickly than that cough every college student gets at least once a month. Ugh.

The angst sucks, so I’ve worked with a team of specialists (me, myself, & I) to establish 7 tips to help you prepare for finals. See, I’ve got yo back.

WARNING: These statements are backed-up with no evidence. Ha. Oops. My bad.

  1. Eat or be eaten.
  2. Sleep as little as possible for a few weeks. Then by the time finals come around, the 2 & a half hours of shut eye will feel normal. Your body will already have adapted to the extreme conditions.
  3. Buy a stop watch that you can use while studying. Why? Well, cleeeaaarrly so you can cry in 10-minute intervals without losing track of time.
  4. Don’t consume anything with the letter “F” in it. Disassociate yourself from the concept of a 59 or below. As far as you’re conncerned, the idea of failure no longer exists in this dimemsion.
  5. Watch Jeopardy every night for a week. Focus. Alex has all of your answers. Trust me.
  6. Turn your WiFi off. The trick is to use all of your data by keeping your WiFi off, so that when you are studying, you won’t be tempted to go on your phone! This month’s Verizon bill might be a wee bit high, but at least your debt won’t be (since you won’t lose your scholarship).
  7. All of those parties you skipped to watch Netflix, all of those bonfires you couldn’t get to because Uber was surging, all of those houses you weren’t able to get into because your male ratio was too high, and all of those raves and festivals you just couldn’t afford– well, this is your cue to make up for that lost time. Go crazy. Be wild. Do all of the stupid stuff you told yourself you wouldn’t. All of that peer pressure you overcame? Give in to it now. Crumble. Take three steps back. Disappoint mom and dad. Beeeecause the chance of finals killing you is a lot greater than any risky behavior.

HEEEEYY! I hope that these tips aid your studies somewhat! If they don’t or you become injured/ severely handicap from my advice, please don’t sue me. I don’t have money for you to take unless you find value in Kohl’s Cash & student loans.

 Here is your reason to keep pushing through the pain. Enjoy the three pictures of this beauty that I am leaving you with. Good luck.


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