documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

RI'S 7 MEDIOCRE CONCERT TIPS

RI'S 7 MEDIOCRE CONCERT TIPS

There’s nothing more euphoric than a taste of live music. Regardless of the size of the venue or the genre of music, hearing it in person is a one-of-a-kind experience. However, if we aren’t properly prepared for the obstacles that come with attending festivals and concerts, how can we expect to reach the highest levels of enjoyment?Well, I have put together 7 tips that may or may not help you have the ultimate, psychedelic, mind-blowing, existential, enlightening concert experience.

WARNING: For safety, you should be in good health and free from high blood pressure, heart, back, or neck problems, motion sickness, or other health conditions that could be aggravated by taking my brilliant advice.

  1. Too many people around you? Feeling suffocated? Well, instead of being a sardine, begin to scratch your head and complain to your friends about the lice you had last week. I swear to lord god jesus christ buddah muhammad colonel sanders that this works. You may receive a few disgusted looks, but it’s worth it to finally be able to breath without inhaling the person in front of you, next to you, and on top of you.
  2. When it’s time to leave and you want an effortless exit, surf your way out of the crowd. Not only is this super duper bad ass, but it’s also hilarious to get escorted out by security. Since it requires no energy, all you have to do is lie there limp, maybe throwin’ two peace signs in the air, and every one else will do the hard labor.
  3. Smuggle food. Yes, the entrance security pat-down can feel a wee bit more intimate than you are comfortable with, but that shouldn’t be your reason for not sneaking snacks in. Concerts and festivals are survival of the fittest, thus without your essential vitamins, how can you expect to outlive the rest of the crowd? In order to be successful, you first need to get a good look at the guards; you definitely want to go to the line with the worker who seems like they want to be there the least. Tip: beware of the older ladies. It’s like they can sense rebels. Secondly, bring a Cliff Bar (hence filling, yet still portable). I’ve had the best luck so far with stuffing it in my crotch area, but if that’s not risky enough for you, then stick it in your hat or the bottom of your shoe. Fourth, don’t act suspicious. Talk and laugh with your friends, show excitement for the concert, and don’t wear a guilty face. Simple as that.
  4. But something you want to wear are shoes that give you power and assert dominance. Don’t wear flip flops. Wear heavy bricks such as Dr. Martins that will crush anyone who tries to steal your spot. Put those fellow fans in their place. This sounds kind of mean, but let’s be real here, concerts can cause a temporary loss of humanity even in the nicest people.
  5. Bring a rain poncho. Why? I mean rain is a foreign substance to Arizona.. the temps can rise as high as 120 and reach as low as 119 on a cooler day. Well, funny, because that’s exactly why I am saying to bring a rain poncho. Heat + alcohol – common sense = projectile vomiting. Tori and I have sadly found ourselves as victims in these type of situations- it’s honestly the worst. So better safe than sorry. The importance of protection can’t be stressed enough.
  6. Also, be sure to wear a skirt if you are a girl. If your bladder is on the verge of exploding, but your babes are about to come on stage, you then have the option to pee in a cup. Have I ever done this? No. Will it work? I don’t know. Is this sanitary? Eh, debatable. Is this good advice? I don’t know, try it, and then let me know.
  7. Lastly, constantly dance and never stop. Be as obnoxious as possible. Trust me on this one. The second you give your body the opportunity to rest, you’re going to realize how close to death you truly are. Whether it’s from intense dehydration, standing in place for 12 hours, or the need for a solid power nap, you ABSOLUTELY can’t let your body know it’s almost reached its limit. The trick is to stay numb to the pain and pass out later. Delay the heat stroke for as long as you can. Tell it to come back in a couple of hours. -1/10 doctors would recommend this– but who listens to medical professionals anyways?

I’m leaving y’all here with a genuine Good Luck. 



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