RILEY’S IPHONE NOTES–IT’S 12:13 A.M.
It was 12:13 A.M. in The Grand.
Sitting at a table for two.
Tired yet alive.
& it is when we are the deadest that we are also the most inspired, when we function the best.
So I pulled out my phone & opened up my notes & typed my raw thoughts & embraced the bad grammar & could not make any sense of these scattered ideas.
It’s all about potential energy.
I hope you just had a flashback to your fifteen year old self nodding off in the chemistry class you somehow managed an A- in.
But back to this potential stuff.
It’s crazy to think how the “potential” of something to take place can overcome a person, how it can consume your mind & up-charge you for the free will you thought was free…well you initially thought right since that shit is free, but then…yeah. You met someone. The potential was there. The energy was too powerful. & BAM. Free will now is going to require you to take out a loan. (no, Monopoly money & Kohl’s Cash are not accepted)
At first, potential is thrilling. It’s enchanting. It’s psychotic. It’s captivating. It leaves your eyes dilated & your arms covered in goose bumps.
There’s nothing more amusing than taking that potential energy, grasping it with your brain, & releasing it into your imagination.
This is a form of love, one of it’s early stages in development. It’s when the baby takes it’s first steps & must seek support in the closest object. Yes, the baby stumbled, but the huge smile resting upon it’s face is the beginning of something brilliant– potential. One day this love & passion will walk with grace all by itself–
& that’s a truly beautiful sight to witness.
But as time passes, the potential energy will take its toll. It burdens your heart. It weighs you down. It keeps you awake at night, staring at the blank ceiling, asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me?”
It’s the reason why your white pillow now has damp black streaks & it’s the reason swollen eyes stare back at you in the mirror every morning.
It’s the reason you overanalyze your physical appearance. The reason you changed your outfit 7 1/2 times today. The reason you now walk awkwardly in an attempt to no longer walk awkwardly. The reason you are literally making yourself fall apart in order to keep this potential energy safely contained& properly handled.
& last but not least, you are unable to throw away that potential energy into the “corrosive waste bucket” because it was merely potential & never became a polaroid you could add to your photo album or a goofy joke you could spit out later..
just like that–
One morning you wake up, maybe after a drunk night when you stumbled down the streets & attempted to hide your despair from the uber driver (who definitely picked up on your broken voice that choked on air every time you spoke) & tried to warm your frail body up with a nice hot bath…
because you had lost the ability to feel with your fingers, your toes, your limbs, your bones…
yet your soul still felt the coldness of rejection & the slap on your pride for being SO FUCKING STUPID. For thinking that there was something when there wasn’t. For letting the potential of something blind you from the fact that maybe you were never very good at chemistry to begin with. It’s a rough realization & maybe it takes you passing out in a bath tub (&then waking up in room temperature water with a runny nose & a mouth that tastes of light rum) to finally understand this.
This is the part when you reach your low.
Feel a bit embarrassed.
Like a hopeless romantic.
When you decide to take the long way home so you have enough time to scream out lyrics you once proclaimed as “basic af”.
This is the part when you read the periodic table of elements & come to the conclusion that one can not read the periodic table of elements without first shutting off your dignity & icing yourself 16 times in a row.
This is the part when you decide that enough is enough
& that you deserve more than the potential-
the energy has to be kinetic–
or you must do the moving out of there yourself.