documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit



That single moment-

the lighting is different

the angle is unusual

you find yourself with a new perspective.

This was completely, one hundred frickin’ percent, your choice. You chose to open your mind to all of the potentials, possibilities, & outlooks..familiar & unfamiliar situations… foreign & uncomfortable ideas… clear& confusing concepts.

& that choice you made may have altered how you perceive existence

or maybe it did nothing at all.

Whatever the case, you did your duty as a human being.

Are you open-minded?

We all want to answer this with a “duhhhh”, but take a second, & really ask yourself:






Sorry yo. That last one wasn’t a question. I am an immature child, please forgive. ha. *nervous chuckle*

Regardless if you answered “yes” or “no” or “maybe” or “I don’t know” or “only every other Tuesday” or you didn’t answer any of the questions because you have the right to remain silent. & if you did say anything, what you said could be used against you in a court of law, I want you to keep reading aka SUFFERING.

Today *clears throat* I’d like to present a few things you can do to acquire, as well as maintain a third eye (no surgery or body mutilation required WHOA WHAT A DEAL!)

  1. Listen to every style of music. I firmly believe that you can learn a lot about who someone is as a person by asking what types of music they like. If they are stuck in one genre… on a single artist…. shaking my head (no no nooo, not head banging yay stuff, but the slow shaking of disapproval). Even if you don’t “appreciate” Wu-Tang Clan, David Bowie, Flosstradamus, Edith Piaf, Keith Urban, Duke Ellington, Hollywood Undead, Hannah Montana, Lorde, Glass Animals, WHOEVER, your willingness to check out a song by Arctic Monkeys even though you absolutely can’t stand high-quality music is a wholesome attribute to have. Unless it’s Luke Bryan..I mean I ask you to do crazy shit, but I wouldn’t want you to completely torture yourself my friendos (ahh please don’t be offended or egg my house Country Thunder dingalings!!!) 
  2. Watch AND (hence the “and” in all caps. I am serious because I didn’t use my usual “&”) enjoy adult cartoons. If you don’t “get” or “understand” the humor& genius presented by Homer Simpson, then you don’t know much about society or current events. If you have any idea what’s going on around the globe, than your mind would require you to watch these television hootenannies as a form of a way to laugh at the cold & bitter & heart-wrenching truth. If you fail to comprehend the references than clearly you need to catch up with everybody else. To be open-minded is to allow Mr. Poopybutthole, Gene Belcher, Kenny McCormick, Sterling Archer, etc. into your household. It’s to allow Brian Griffin, a talking dog, to teach you a thing or two about a thing or two (no, that is not a typo).
  3. Time to legit open your mind. Scalpel. Thanks Deb. WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOOOAA WAIT…you heard me say no body mutilation required? Stop rereading. You did in fact hear me correctly.

Yes, I was lying. Yes, lying is okay. Wake up yo it’s been TWO KAY SEVENTEEN since January frickin’ first. That kinda no-good shit is what everyone *cough* politics politics politics polidicks *cough* do. Embrace it.

As of the body mutilation, I will just be gently stabbing your brain with a medical utensil that I’m sure holds some sort of medical significance– repeatedly. This will continue until you finally perceive the world without a closed-mind or my arm cramps up (is it sad that the likelihood of me getting a charlie horse before you stop thinking like a narrow bishhhh anymore is much higher????). Don’t worry, though. This is not surgery, ’tis simply a procedure (as the BEST doctors choose to call it).

4.  Have a conversation with a complete stranger. Walk into it with no expectations. No assumptions. No preconceived notions. &&&& l i s t e n. Use only your ears. Don’t clog the words of another with your gibberish. Your gibberish is snug as a bug in a rug in your head 24/7. But this stranger’s experiences, outlooks, visions, & ideologies can only emerge if you provide them the chance to. Maybe their perception of the sky is absolutely bonkers & maybe you’ll feel a wee bit confused when they mention how they’ve found a way to reach it’s blue depths. However, if you interrupt, you (unknowingly) might never bond over your similar infatuation with half-baked cookie dough ice cream… what a shabby way to live.

5. Last but not least, to officially be an open-minded individual, you must provide me with a few minor details which includes your social security number, your day of birth, your mother’s maiden name, the name of your first pet, your credit card number, & anything else that holds a value to who you are as a person. Just shoot me an email: & I’ll take it from there. I gotchu. Smooootthhhhh, right? Yup, mhmmm, yeah I’d say I’m pretty damn smooth…that’s how I get all of the boys……………………………………………..I did mention earlier that lying is okay……sooooo……..when I said “boys”, I might have meant “men”……….okay……….you caught me..again……….when I said “men”, I really meant “meningitis” *rolls away into sunset*

Ugh, not really sure the appropriate way to close this post other than with an apology. I am sorry if you wasted a few minutes reading that & were not enlightened or didn’t half smile or chuckle the word “same”. Also, I apologize if your reading was inhibited by &/or negatively affected by my numbers not being in a straight line, but I legit spent 7 years trying to fix it with no prevail (that’s like 49 years of your dog’s life so that’s a hell of a long time). All in all, I hope you are able to replenish in a bath tub of joy & your own filth somewhere else. God bless. Thank you. & have a good night. Signing off. *points at crowd* *smiles with teeth*