documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit


Dear Garrett,
I used your name so if I ever become famous, you’ll get like 15 minutes of fame. You’re welcome. The odds are slight, but one can dream. AM I RIGHT.
Okay, so you’re going to meet my parental units. Take a deep breath. You’re good. “Just be yourself” hahahha LOL that’s a lot easier said than done. I know. Trust me, I know. Spray that lavender all over you—you’ve got this.
Honestly, even if you are super duper confident & know you’ll impress the shit out of them, I’m going to give you advice anyways. Because this advice… now this advice is worth a million it’s so stellar that I should get paid for a million dollars.
I’ve broken it down into the 5 basic tips since 6 or 7 would just be overdoing it.
  1. Tell them all about your sex life. Every time you didn’t wear a condom… night stand…exaggerate it like crazy..make it a romantic comedy thriller! Call that girl a HUGE slut!! Then lean over, kiss my cheek, &admit the story was about me, their slut daughter.
  2. Show how successful you are, but not too successful. Like talk about your job & your promotion, but don’t go on about it for too long or else my parents will think I’m a bum in comparison. I suggest dropping a tab. About an hour in or so you should lose your charming voice & intriguing personality. Your awkward staring will make me look like a much better child. Take one for the team man. Don’t show me up yo.
  3. Express your political views very viciously. But the most important thing is that you don’t forget to disagree with everything my parents say regarding such. This will present to them that you think for yourself. Be sure to argue a shit ton. No respect at all! If you don’t have an adequate response, just say “China! China! China!” until everyone shuts up.
  4. Tell them about your (not real..pretend please) obsession with Michael Bay films because EXPLOSIONS & naked women & sweat & muscles!!! Tell them you have a theory that your car is actually a transformer, so you installed a night light in your garage just in case he needs to get up to use the restroom in the middle of the night. Add that you’re not really into films with substance & quality..& then add that’s why you like me soOoo much!
  5. Listen, no matter what it tastes, smells, or looks like, you must allow your mouth to must ravish in my mom’s homemade dinner. I don’t care if you are allergic to nuts. I don’t care if it’s November. Consume those almonds, pecans, & cashews & stop getting all choked up. Fuck it. This is my parents you’re trying to impress! A little inflammation only kills some people. Fingers crossed you’re one of the lucky ones.

Bless yo heart. Let’s hope it doesn’t go to shit.


Ri Bread


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