documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

LEMME HELP YUH SPICE UP THAT MILD LIFE OF YOURS

LEMME HELP YUH SPICE UP THAT MILD LIFE OF YOURS
I am using the above picture because the wrap I am holding in that polaroid was cr-AYE-zy spicy!! Bless complimentary cups of H2O.
Hi & welcome to a mild morning!

*alarm goes off*

*wakes up*

*gets up aka falls out of bed but miraculously survives*

*drinks up* (coffee or alcohol depending on where you are at in life)

*morning dumps* (whether you enjoyed it also depends on where you are at in life)

*eats*

*deep sighs in 10 minute intervals*

*attempts to put self together*

*walks out door* (or crawls depending on where you are at in life)

*realizes that self is not together*

*nearby stranger’s phone rings

the tone is the sound of your alarm….

*falls to ground because TRIGGERED YO*

*insert Squidward “future” meme*

*time reads 7:32 A.M.*

Should I leave it at that? I think you probably get my point.

Life can be a bland ol’ rice cake sometimes. Am I right or am I right? & I became done with that non-shindig (yes, ’tis a word I invented..surprise, surprise) type of living. & today, I’m going to pretend to be an expert on all things spicy/mom lifestyle blogger who prefers to breathe aesthetic over oxygen to help amp up your day! It will work I think. Maybe. No guarantees.

Most likely not. Ha.

Let’s turn the ‘M’ in MILD upside down & make it a ‘W’ for WILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can’t believe I said that. Hopefully it didn’t detour all 13 of my readers..

(out of curiosity, did you pronounce that as “dee-tour” or as “dee-ter”??)

Here are a few INCREDIBLE tips to aid you in this journey:

  1. What better way to spice life up than to jam to Spice Girls? Turn up “Wannabe” (because everyone knows the lyrics to this one) in your car until it blows out your speakers. & keep turning it up until it blows up your car. Damn that just went from spicy to spicy AND hot.
  2. Invest in a spice rack. Now you can make those dinosaur nuggets from Costco extra gourmet by adding some herbs. OOOOHHH HASHTAG TUMBLR!!! Add some thyme to your Eggo chocolate chip waffles! Throw some basil on your favorite cereal & almond milk! Toss some paprika on your paprika!!!! ‘Tis a game changer lemme tell yuh.
  3. Switch out your shampoo for hot sauce. You know what? Be a doll & fill every shampoo bottle in the house with hot sauce. That’s how you earn some brownie points with mom & dad…& casually one up your siblings. The best part is that the red coloring of the sauce totally looks like blood, so now is the perfect opportunity to wash your hair & play Law & Order at the SAME EXACT TIME. Just don’t forget to turn up the theme song (you’ve def heard it..it goes duh duhh duh duh duh duh duuuh duuuuhhhh) & find someone on Tinder who gives off the classic Jack McCoy vibe to represent you in court.
  4. Instead of cursing you out-of-control adolescents you, start using the word “spice” as your new, clean sentence enhancer. “What the actual spice.” “Spice you.” “God spice it.” “You jackspice.” “Spice the spiced spice spice spiiicccee.”  Initially, you might perceive this specific tip as insane, but try it out. In a 4-5 years, you’ll thank me when it still makes you sound absolutely insane. “Spice you, Riley.”
  5. Last but not least, drop out of school to pursue MY dream of becoming a professional DJ. Then I can live through you minus the consequences that I’d have if I, myself, ditched NAU. (I have some semi-stellar song ideas I need to put on the market before someone else does first.) This whole college student turned party hardy DJ will spice your life up sorta. & you’d get a pretty cool name, too. So why not? *insert peer pressure*

Well, I guarantee if you take this advice to heart, your life will be slightly better. Furthermore, by reading this sentence, you are agreeing that I can not be held liable for any injuries, deaths, or spice-related incidents regarding these tips. Gotcha.

 

 



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