documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

HOW TO WIN OVER THE HEART OF THAT GIRL YOU LIKE BUT AREN’T SURE IF SHE LIKES YOU BACK SO YOU DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO TAKE A RISK & MAKE A MOVE OR INSTEAD JUST WAIT A BIT LONGER TO SEE HOW THINGS GO TO AVOID MAKING A COMPLETE FOOL OF YOURSELF BUT IT REALLY SUCKS BECAUSE WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DAMN COMPLICATED

HOW TO WIN OVER THE HEART OF THAT GIRL YOU LIKE BUT AREN’T SURE IF SHE LIKES YOU BACK SO YOU DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO TAKE A RISK & MAKE A MOVE OR INSTEAD JUST WAIT A BIT LONGER TO SEE HOW THINGS GO TO AVOID MAKING A COMPLETE FOOL OF YOURSELF BUT IT REALLY SUCKS BECAUSE WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DAMN COMPLICATED

AYE MALES. I know it’s rough getting that girl of your dreams to swipe yuh back on Tinder. I mean us females often find ourselves in similar situations (of course minus the heights in our bios). Buuuttt heeeyyyy, I’ve got the inside scoop for you gentlemen. If you want to get her to have a double take next time you catch her eye in Starbucks (or is that too mainstream of a location?? how about the Starbucks IN BARNES & NOBLE?? now that’s a game changer I might add). Well, follow these simple steps to become men..let’s just say the seaweed mustache thing is a whole lotta hoopla. WARNING: If you didn’t understand that reference, then you are not advanced enough for this course.

  1. Quote Spongebob in everyday conversations.
  2. Get glittered up at Raves & Festivals. For bonus points, act overly excited about the fact that you sparkle.
  3. Order your cold coffee drinks light on ice– intelligence & manipulating the system is very attractive.
  4. Master the ability to slice all types of fruits..specifically AVOCADO (pshhh no I am not being biased here).
  5. Hit the high notes in Bohemian Rhapsody. Trust me, you can do anything if you just put your mind to it.
  6. Make sure you have toilet paper in your bathroom. I swear every single time I use a male’s restroom, I have to frantically search for toilet paper & when I have no luck in finding any, I curl up in a ball on the dirty floor & desperately cry & you don’t want to see that go down, do you???? Like god damn PEEING CAN BE SO DRAMATIC.
  7. Rescue a dog (preferably off the streets one day on your way home from work) & give it a quirky human name. Don’t ask why. Just do it.
  8. Steal a shit ton of complimentary mints for your girl at restaurants. It makes you look like such a sweet bad ass. I’d rather have fancy mints in my pocket than diamonds around my neck. #justgirlythings #tumblr #goalz #like4likeĀ 
  9. Let her know how beautiful she was during her no eyebrow phase. All girls go through this when they first discover the power of the tweezers… ’tis an iconic moment & a traumatic one… once you start, you just sorta get possessed& suddenly can’t stop plucking… & next thing you know, you look like you belong on the cover of a late 90’s sex magazine (tears included):sex machine
  10. Steal the Declaration of Independence…& if you’re feeling ambitious, uncover the treasure map on the back via blow dryer…& if you’re feeling daredevil ambitious, get plastic surgery to look like Nicholas Cage.

Boys, please take my advice. I’m speaking for all of us gal pals with ovaries. This is the way to get THE femme gem (dude crying that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever said- well almost) to fall for you. Trust me, I’m a doctor (I’ve taken Bio 182. I know about algae. Basically an expert on everything now yo.)



3 thoughts on “HOW TO WIN OVER THE HEART OF THAT GIRL YOU LIKE BUT AREN’T SURE IF SHE LIKES YOU BACK SO YOU DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO TAKE A RISK & MAKE A MOVE OR INSTEAD JUST WAIT A BIT LONGER TO SEE HOW THINGS GO TO AVOID MAKING A COMPLETE FOOL OF YOURSELF BUT IT REALLY SUCKS BECAUSE WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DAMN COMPLICATED”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *