HOW TO PROPERLY VOYAGE FROM THE SAGUARO TO THE SAND
My favorite part about California? Awhh thanks for asking. Well, to answer that question even though no one actually cares about my answer, I’d just like to say it’s the ride there. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know that sounds so god damn weird, but I promise there is some logic to that madness.
I mean ever since I arrived to college without car keys connected to my lanyard, a piece of me has been missing. I’ve grown a new appreciation for my Kia Soul- one that stems from deep separation anxiety. I feel like most college students who were forced to leave their family, pets, and cars back home know what pain I am talking about. I could go on and on about the “it’s complicated” relationship status I have with my Soul, but I figured the few readers that are still clinging on to this post would stop reading if I did.
So over spring break, my friends and I made a spontaneous trip to California (shout out to brother Jake for letting us couch hop & for providing breakfast & for taking us to see llamas). And after a life-changing drive there (that I may have already taken a million times but I’m pretending this one was somehow mind-alteringly different), I’d like to give an insight on how to properly travel to your SoCal destination.
- Cheap coffee. You can’t drive anywhere further than 23 minutes away without a blazing hot cup of shitty gas station coffee in your hand. **Bonus points if you can enter the freeway without spilling it on yourself.
- Your car needs to come with a professional DJ. Example pictured below:
- Make the “HEYYY HAYYY!!!” joke. Again. And again. Keep saying it at least until you start receiving death threats from the other passengers.
- Hover your butt over one of them fancy rest stop toilets. And let it all out. Release the hounds. Empty the chambers. You’ve gotta make it for another 720,4381 miles after this.
- Look for the mountain shaped like a nipple. I was going to put a picture, but it’s one of those natural wonders with beauty an iphone simply can’t capture. I’m not sure it’s actual name, but when you see it, trust me, you’ll know. It’s pretty rad.
- Smuggle fruit across the border because you’re such a BAD ASS. You can’t be tamed.
- Play the Jurassic Park theme music as you pass the famous dinosaurs that have been making all of us excited since we popped out of the womb.
- Yell every curse word/ sentence enhancer you can think of as you cut cars off and accidentally drive on toll lanes.
- And as the beach comes into eyesight, put The Kooks on shuffle, roll the windows down, & embrace the gifts of humidity &frizzy hair.