HOW TO IDENTIFY A FRESHMAN IN THE WILD
I think the inspiration behind this documentary began when I was young– during the afternoons us children would spend chasing each other in grassy fields, energized by Goldfish and imagination. I remember being fascinated by wildlife in their natural habitat. Basking in the sun, hunting for their prey, and shitting in the woods… quite magnificent to the naked eye.
The opening scene of a documentary often lacks words as a screen is painted with videos and images that allure the viewers in. So that’s what I am going to do. I’ll be describing the scene and I want you to picture it in your minds for me. I feel like you should include some panning nature landscapes and read my narration in a British accent. You are going to have to put some effort in here since I don’t have the funding of a Hollywood film company.. well I don’t have the funding of a no-name independent film company either.. so work with me now..hahahah *nervous chuckle* please.
Black screen. The sound of NAU fight chant pride song thingy slowly grows louder. Fade in black. Dramatic AF.
Freshmen pups scurrying everywhere. Some will reach their destination, some will not. It’s survival of the fittest in this ponderosa pine forest (& I actually mean fittest because those staircases mixed with high altitudes are KILLA.) Among the pups, nicotine fiends are prowling for vape smoke in great desperation…for they know these next few months of snow will leave most humans inside, in dorm room hibernation….. juul availability around campus shall be scarce.
Okay. I am bored. This is too hard to type & I am sure you sly dogs probably didn’t even read my narration in an accent. THIS is why I have trust issues. God damn.
While mentally filming this documentary (that will soon make me millions when Animal Planet goes ape shit PUNS HAHAHH over this never before seen footage), I truly applied my BIO 182: Unity Of Life II: Lives Of Multicellular Organisms knowledge. I mastered the art of identifying a freshman in their natural habitat. Here are the universal traits you must look for in order to confirm a sighting:
- There is a lanyard around their neck. Student I.D. connected at the end. Freshmen must mark their superiority over their previous pack of high schoolers by letting the world know they are now in college.
- Look for them frantically waddling around the walkways..most likely on the left side…since they haven’t yet discovered that the rules of the road do in fact apply to the halls. Dude, you stay on the right.
- It’s important to listen for the sounds they make. In science classes, you might hear them accidentally squawk “orgasm” when they meant to say “organism”.
- They often travel in herds on Friday nights. Their eyes wide as their pack searches for a frat party. Once in a while one pup will stray from the group’s protection without realizing it, stumbling into the street.. those 1.4 shots of Smirnoff Cherry Vodka have the pup confused.. placing the youngling in imminent danger. There will often be an alpha of the pack, which can be verified by seeing if their phone screen has Tinder pulled up. The alpha shall lead the group to their destination..most definitely The Grove.
- It’s clear which herds will not survive the night. They can be identified by the signature 10:1 male to female ratio, high count of necks with I.D.’s, Dutch Bro’s Rebels (most likely chasers), & everyone in matching white vans.
- You might also notice them with their Starbuck’s Frappuccinos.. for they are not yet broke from dropping all of their parent’s money on Adderall. & have not yet been forced to embrace the bold taste of CHEAP, hence CHEAP, drip coffee. Their time will come. Some things are inevitable & this is one of them.
- The way to identify one is by screaming “COPS ARE HERE!!” in a crowd. Deer in headlights. That’s what you’ll witness. All freshmen will gallop to the nearest piece of furniture to hide behind or race towards the fence to attempt (hence attempt) to jump over it. These younglings haven’t yet realized that the trick is to casually walk out the front door, politely greet the cops, & let them know you have a sober driver. That’s all they want to hear.
Well, to conclude my documentary…
The freshmen, a species of diversity, a species willing to brawl for an aux cord, a species that must overcome the almighty forces of the wilderness, will continue to roam on. It is through some of the most dangerous struggles & teeth gritting obstacles that they will discover the power not only within their individual souls, but within the united squad. For now, we watch on, in amusement, but also in reminisce as we are reminded where we all came from—15 pounds less.
**VIEWER DISCRETION: this is 104% humor. Please do not be offended by these lame jokes. Embrace them. I’m literally describing myself two years ago. There is nothing wrong with any of these observations— it’s the circle of life. *insert lion king music* & if it makes you feel any better, I used to be an avid “rawr means ily in dinosaur kind-of-gal” in 7th grade, which is REAL rock bottom. Retweet to show support& spread awareness.