How To Convince Everyone You Have Your Life Together
Okay so like I often describe my life as a Nature Valley Granola Bar…a complete mess. I used to eat those in high school & it was terrible because my desk would look like I threw up a bunch of crumbs on it & I would casually brush it off onto my neighbors desk because I ain’t getting that shit on my Miss Me jeans (yes I also wasted money on those jeans since all of the cool kidz did…thx 4 nuthin’…I was still a loser).
Today I have come here to tell you how I have managed to cover up the reality that I cry myself to sleep every single night because I am still not over the fact that they don’t make Nathan For You episodes anymore.
Here are 8 ways to make the world think you are a bad ass:
- Walk in heels. Whenever I feel like garbage, I put on a pair of heels, go out in public & pretend I have somewhere important to be. Make sure your stride is somewhat quick so you give off that determined vibe.
- Don’t snapchat yourself singing in a car. Only the weak do that.
- Post a picture of a yoga mat in an aesthetically-pleasing room every single day. This has been super hard for me to do because the house I live in has carpet that once endured frat parties (it still smells like testosterone & Fleischmann’s). In the final pose of yoga, you do what’s called “Savasana” where you lay on your mat & completely let go of the world. Lemme tell yuh, this carpet smells so bad that I legit pass out. This pose is called corpse pose & it is funny because it actually brings me in a near-death state. Heh.
- Practice good hygiene. Don’t present yourself as if you went on a 17 day backpacking trip. Smell fresh. I will automatically think you have your life together. Likkkeee mhhmmm.
- “Living my best life”. Yo, put that in your bio. Now everyone will know that you are living your best life. It’s sooOoo obvious! I mean it is in your bio. Yeah. Clearly.
- The key is NATURE. So post a picture of a tree, dirt, mountain range, etc. Sometimes I crawl around the ditches in my neighborhood to get a rad angle of a rock or two. I add a VSCO C7 edit for the extra oomph. Duuuddee, people will think you are like this adventure person who spontaneously gets up at 4 A.M. to drive across the country in search of the mountains on the Arrowhead water bottles that nobody drinks. Caption it: “I’d rather have sunflowers on my head than diamonds around my neck.” BAM. You are not falling apart like a Nature Valley Granola Bar.
- Get the claws. I swear getting your nails done & excessively clicking them against everything is boujee af. Like you automatically look like you have your life together as you casually take pictures of every cup of tap water with your claws. Pshh who cares if you damage your real nails… *insert dramatic music* nothing real every lasts.
- Watch Shrek every single day. This is definitely the absolute most effective way to present yourself to the world. The opening with “Hey now you’re an all-star” is a motto that a true bad ass would live by. It is also a reminder that us ugly people can still find love. It is also also a good reminder that waffles are a great breakfast item. If people know you watch Shrek, they will show some respect. Guaranteed.
Hope this helps y’all during these quite interesting times. Stay golden.