documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

HOW NOT TO BE A FAMOUS BLOGGER

HOW NOT TO BE A FAMOUS BLOGGER

I wear shades inside public places so my fans don’t recognize me. 

As it says in my bio on my “About Me” page, which you probably haven’t read because I am not famous:

“One of the first things I remember reading in a book on how to start a blog was that in order to be successful, the blog needs to have one specific theme and target audience.”

And if you continued to read on, which you probably didn’t because why would you since I’m not famous, you’d learn that:

“…I don’t want to be successful, so my blog doesn’t have either of these things.”

I also remember reading that blogs should be posted routinely. You know, like exactly two posts per week, every Monday and Wednesday. It’s supposed to show that the blog is persistent & dependable. I actually gave this idea a shot, but I quickly discovered that this turned Her Life On The Veg into a scheduled chore. & I can’t decide that on Sunday night every week I am going to feel inspired enough to write something that is semi-decent & won’t completely waste your time. It just doesn’t work that way. Furthermore, why would I blog shit on a regular basis? Then all of you would learn which days not to go on social media (in order to avoid my Instagram posts of desperation begging you to click the link in my bio). Yes, this could be another reason I am not famous. I am well-aware of that.

I am still not famous. This is my 41st post. Is it because I constantly talk about how much my blog sucks? Eh, possibly. But I don’t want to run around telling everyone my newest post is going to cure their chronic bunion pain or clear their credit card history. I mean that’s complete bull shit. Let’s be real here- at the absolute most you may half smile at one of my jokes or get a slight confidence boost because you’re not stupid enough to devote all of your energy to writing an unsuccessful blog.

I am doing it all wrong. If you want to be successful, do the complete opposite of me. My logo? I made it on the paint program (that came with everyone’s computer) in a little over 15 minutes. Should I have paid someone, maybe a big name artist, maybe someone who can draw a pretty circle without the assistance of the bottom of a cup? Yeah, sure. But like I said, I am not famous so most of you have probably never even noticed the carrot at the top of this page. My lack of fame has probably also kept you from noticing that same logo on my hydroflask (you know the thing every true Flagstaff-ian carries around). By the way, I have about 13 more identical stickers of my logo, so if you’d like to promote an unsuccessful, not famous blog, hit me up.

I am not famous nor am I semi-famous. This brings about the question– how does one “start from the bottom, now I’m here”? But where is “here”? The top? Let me tell you, I don’t know your definition of “the top”, but I am currently sitting at Macy’s sipping a cup of house coffee, hunched over my computer typing, pretending the Childish Gambino playing on their speakers is the score to the movie I am starring in & my god I am on top of the world. I’m digging this high location. This is the height I’ve wanted to reach. The view is great; this is fame.

 

 



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