documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit





A shit ton of sweat.

Burning quads.

Correction. Again. 

Quads burning so bad that they are on the verge of spontaneously combusting.

Shooting pain down the neck & back.

Ha. Sorry. But correction.

Permanent damage from C2 to L3 & potentially 4 herniated discs…


hahahahahahaha jk

I actually meant shooting needles down the spinal cord 24/7 to the point where you’re unable to get out of bed in the morning because you can’t lift your neck.

no biggie.

Well, that is my opener. That was me setting the stage for you kiddos. Yup. This is part of the rave experience– completely unavoidable in all honesty. When you purchase a ticket, you also purchase an extremely high medical bill. When you print out your ticket, you also print out a referral to your local physical therapy.

& now you all caught me. This is why I am going into the medical field. Ha.

Okay, so the reason I am writing this post today is because raves & concerts in general are survival of the fittest. It’s a battle. We all transform into wild animals willing to eat anyone that gets in the way of our vibes the very second we walk through the doors. So, I’m here to help. I’ve constructed the ABSOLUTE BEST PERF INCREDIBLE training plan to get you fit enough to withstand your next music hootenanny. Yeah mhmm WUT NOW DARWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENIE.


Ri’s Rave Training Plan:

  1. Train for an ultra marathon. Follow that insane running schedule. It’s all about the mentality, thus if you can run 50 miles with a big smile on your face, then you’ve got this. Then you can make this crowd your bish. *Tori & I repeat “for the rave, for the rave, for the rave” as we make our way around the indoor track (lap 52 if you’re counting)*
  2. Focus on weight lifting that requires abductor movement. These psychedelic raves are going to make you think you’re getting abducted by aliens, so if you build up some arm strength, the extra tension coming from the spaceship beams will help you float away effortlessly.
  3. Buti yoga. Sign up. This class is a combination of yoga and hip hop.. trust me when I say if you can stay in a squat position & shake your butt for an hour long class, then you’ve got this.
  4. Hover over toilets. Okay so we all know public restrooms are our reason for existence. They just bring a light into my life no boy will ever compare to. But damn, people wreck ’em. Like jeeeez, I swear people had to actually put in effort to destroy that stall that badly. Sheeesh. Add it to your resume or something: “Expert at getting my poo to chill on the toilet seat”. Therefore, now is the time to get used to hovering. When you’re exhausted at a concert, the booty muscle memory will have you covered.
  5. Strengthen that core. If there’s anything I’ve learned from head banging, it’s definitely that you should NEVER use your neck. You’ve got to whip your entire body, throttle it full force, if you want to avoid injury. The trick is to use your stellar abdominal muscles rather than your vertebral column. This sounds quite obvious, but lemme tell yuh, it’s a lot easier said then done. The next day, I still wake up in immense pain & possibly permanent damage, but it could be waaaaaayyy worse. Trust me on this one, though. You won’t regret it. As someone who head bangs in a circle of strangers for 6 hours straight, I do in fact know a thing or two about the art of neck bumpin’.

***Quick side note: It’s smart to train in warm environments at higher elevations, so you can get used to the feeling of not being able to breathe as your body slowly shuts down.

That was my super duper rad training plan. There’s a lot more technicalities in my personal preparation, but I wanted to start you newbies off with the basics. Let me know if you’d like to hire me to be your personal rave trainer– I gotchu.

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