documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

FUCKING UP IN FRONT OF MALES

FUCKING UP IN FRONT OF MALES

This picture is of middle school eyebrow-less Ri Bread crying.

My skills include having little to no skills, talking too much, stubbing my toes on coffee tables, forgetting where I parked my car, & fucking things up when I’m around boys.

I’ve learned to embrace these one-of-a-kind talents, particularly the fucking things up in front of the male species. I’m sure many of you hooligans can relate to the red face of humiliation when you turn into a vegetable in front of the person you’re trying so damn hard to impress…we’ve all experienced it from both sides. 

It can be quite traumatic am I right or am I right?

Well, today, I’m going to tell you six times (six for dicks *chugs king’s cup* *stumbles to toilet* *realizes I do not have a dick*) where I really fookin fooked up & rolled away into the sunset crying. ha. There’s like 500000 more stories I could tell, but gotta keep it casual aye.

HERE WE GO:

  1. Okay, I remember it was winter, so I was somewhat slacking on shaving my legs because my dorm shower water was like frigid torture & I was always wearing jeans. I was wearing these super duper ripped jeans, so I asked my pal if she thought I needed to shave my knee cap. I mean it wasn’t like an animal, but it was like rubbing against a prickly pear cactus. Well, she advised me not to because quote on quote “no one will notice girl”. I FUCKED UP. That night I was hanging with my crush (hehehehhehe) & he tried to jokingly touch the pressure point on my knee & at the very moment his finger came into contact with my limb, his hand was punctured & blood spewed everywhere & his hand was shredded & so was my heart & any chance I had of winning him over.
  2. On the very first day of my neurobiology class, we had to memorize everybody’s names, as well as where they are from (it was an association/ chunking game to start the course off). It worked! ‘Twas incredible (June 11th ayyeee “I WANTED TO GO BOWLING”)— my class was small, thus we were all homies by the end of the semester. It was stellar.. well until I saw one of the homies at a party & couldn’t remember his name. He called me “Riley”. My dumb ass self accidentally called him “Peoria” because that’s where he’s from.  Fooooooook. Yeah, his name wasn’t Peoria. Haven’t talked to him since. *cringe*
  3. Oh, fuck. Okay there was the cute dude that would always laugh at my lame jokes, so it was basically love at first sight. I was low key obsessed with him (not in a creepy way, but in the sense that Tori & I had a code name for him *insert middle school giggles*). One day at a small party, my buzzed self stood laughing with him about the chemistry class that we both suffered in. I for some odd reason thought it was a good idea to admit to him that every morning I’d time my walk just so I’d run into him before class. In my head it sounded adorable, but out loud I came off as a fookin’ creepy head. To save myself, I continued to add details about how Tori once called me to tell me she saw him & in the end, you guessed it, I probably should have kept my mouth shut. Yeah. We aren’t dating. Never did. & now we never will. WOOT WOOT WAY TO GO RI BREAD.
  4. So here I am boozin’ on a cruise ship, dancin’ with an 87 year old named Annie. What a sight. She was definitely showing me up. & apparently I was showing things too because this ASU lookin’ frat boy comes up to me & quietly whispers that he is coming to me as a friend & let me in on the fact I was on the verge of flashing the entire boat. What a true bro. My face grew red…thank god jesus lordy that I already had a sunburn. Foooooook it.
  5. Fifteen minutes prior to the shit show, I had met a guy for the first time & his friends & I were all standing around the counter as he poured shot glasses. Like god damn it, perfectly sober Ri knocks over the glasses, spilling alcohol everywhere. To make matters worse, after refilling them, I miss my mouth & spill it all over my face & clothes. Fook life. First impressions are everything, rigggghhhtttt. Hello, my name is Riley, but most people call me a dumb ass.
  6. Tori and I were at Barnes & Noble. YO IT SMELLS SO GOOD IN THERE CAN WE ALL JUST TAKE A MOMENT. Okay so these two dudes come up to us & ask if we’d like to join them for coffee. I was caught off guard & am also clueless af under pressure… I reply the first thing I can think of: “I would, but I’m not old enough to drink coffee yet.” Might I remind you that I am 16 or 17. They both give me the strangest stare & one says “Coffee?” & I had a heart attack as I responded “Yeah my parents won’t let me drink it yet. I’m too young.” Fucking fook fuck. It was a wee bit awkward after that hahahhahahah. Golly gee.
  7. December 31st.. I FUCKED UP so badly. I spontaneously went to a party & am still in shock that a guy waaaaayyyy out of my league (who I maybe said two words??? to in high school) was talking to me..wait for it..& actually chuckling at my bad jokes. Like he is absolutely one of those people you never develop feelings for because you already know that they are too good for you. & the chance of this person ever taking notice of your insignificant existence is..it’s just impossible. Everything magically fell into place. It was like a dream. Well, I wish it was dream because after the New Year’s kiss I clumsily poured an entire bag of wine on him. Then followed this momentous occasion by slapping his full wine glass off the table on to his fancy smancy pants. Thennnn to make matters worse, his little brother came up to Tori & said “..hey your sister is that girl who spilled wine all over my brother a thousand times”. Yup. Starting the new year off with a bang & some stained designer jeans. I was on top of the world for a few hours, but leave it to me to fuck it up. Ugh.
  8. HAHAHHAH next December 31st..I ate shit. Decadence. Cold air. From outside we can hear the countdown. 15 seconds until midnight. SHIT. So me & this guy start running inside. The night had been more flawless than I ever could have imagined & this was going to be the cherry on top for sure!!! It’s one of those experiences where you choose not to question why it is all falling into place. Then I actually fell. I mean legit tripped mid sprint, ate shit in front of everyone outside, & laid in the grass as the clock struck midnight. I looked up & he was gone. Same with my pride& dignity. I contemplated life face down in the dirt for a solid 7 seconds. Definitely would have been a snapchat worthy video— my hands & knees were green & muddy from the grass. Fucking up New Years is my favorite tradition.
  9. Last but not least, I was working my “test” shift at the bar I had applied at. It’s going sweet, but then a shit ton of people surround the bar. It resembled the very first Spongebob episode. If you don’t know what I’m referencing, please see yourself to the door immediately. Anywho, I’m getting drinks for these lovely dudes. Sweeeeet. Eventually, it gets so wild that my manager comes to the back to help us bartenders with the crowd. Well, long story told short, there was a mix up of orders& my manager makes me 6 Moscow mules for 6 of my customers that did not order them. He became super duper pissed, dumping all of the expensive alcohol drinks into the sink right in front of me. Frustrated, he tells me to go away. I begin to tear up— I mean I wanted the position more than I could ever put into words..I had worked my ass off..& one fuck up was going to make the time & energy I sacrificed worthless. So behind the bar, I began to cry in front of everyone. I quickly exited towards the back closest where I lingered for a bit. One of the lovely guys I had been serving came up to my disheveled self &must have saw me crying because he took the blame of the situation to my manager…& believe it or not, asked for my number. Fooooook. I sniffled & typed it in. First impressions, once again, are everything& I fucked up this one without a doubt. Yeeet.

There’s 9 stories instead of 6 because I once again fucked up.

Ooooooops.

THAT’S ALL FOLKS!

We all fuck up, but I’m not feeling any deep meaning shit right now, so I’m gonna end this with

UR MOM.

burn.



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