- & here I find myself, blankly staring into the bathroom mirror
The longer I face myself, the more I question the world. Do you ever wonder why words can knock the wind out of you more aggressively than a blow to the solar plexus (bio major– apologies)?
Where did I go wrong? Was it when I decided to take the long route to class today? When I decided to post that BEAUTIFUL Snapchat of myself with about 4.7 chins (depending on the angle)? Was it when I decided to stop caring about my appearance so much?
Adele may hit some pretty damn high notes.
Joywave’s newest album touches on the idea a bit.
I never really experienced “rumors” when they were at their peak in middle school.
I’ve always perceived them as shitty sitcom plot lines– you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.
But here, standing. Looking over myself as if the answer to all of this confusion was in some dirty, spotted mirror…
I got nothing.
It became clear to me overtime that fire can not be fought with fire.
That anger will only feed the hate.
That despair will only fuel the hostile.
So I wiped away the tears (somewhat hidden with the aid of my handy dandy readers)
It’s choosing to walk out that door without the bullshit weighing me down that made all of the difference.
Last night was one of those bedtime fiascoes that involve you dramatically waking up from nightmares over & over, your heart pounding so terribly hard that you’re afraid to get up, goosebumps covering your body, yet your forehead is quickly heating up..
was it foreshadowing the next morning?
I’m a pretty sensitive girl. Words stick to me. It sucks. & I know many of you know exactly what it’s like. People can be mean. People can be assholes. People can say things you would be better off not hearing. People give weird looks in your direction & when you walk in their direction people might think you look weird. People will leave your brain discombobulated & your heart in a deep ache. People will see your social media posts & determine who you are– deem you as a slut, a prude, a loser, a genius, a wannabe, a not-so photogenic dweeb..& that’s cool.
You do that. You were born with the power to have your own individual thoughts & never would I want to take that away from anyone.
But I think it can’t be stressed enough that we don’t let these thoughts of others impact our lives negatively. These thoughts shouldn’t make us hesitate. They shouldn’t make us think twice. They shouldn’t make us give up the empowerment & self-worth we spent so much energy trying to grasp.
Well, I say:
This might be information coming from someone who still calls her mom balling her eyes out when “MOOOOOMMM EVERYTHING IS COMING TO AN END!!”, but lemme tell yuh, the answer is always:
f u c k i t .
Maybe that’s not inspiring enough for you, maybe it’s not your choice of wording, but damn is it always relevant.
Today, my advice to you pals is to flip off the negativity.
- Scream “FUCK YOU” to all of the obstacles holding you back.
- Buy some sunflowers for your enemies because roses are a little too predictable.
- Hold the door open for the stranger that would not do the same for you.
- Get a wild haircut you know people will disapprove.
- Proudly lift those three pound weights at the gym.
- Buy YOURSELF an entire bottle of cheap pinot noir & down that shit.
- Call your parents & tell them you love them.
- Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in line (maybe even upgrade it to a large).
- Make your bed.
- Pet your friend’s dog (but don’t steal it even though that’s nearly impossible).
- Send your pal that never shows up to class today’s notes.
- Eat the rawest salmonella-infested cookie dough you can find.
- Post that selfie you’re afraid won’t get “enough” likes.
- Talk to the QT you head banged with at a rave.
- Don’t use flash cards during your presentation, use your bad ass charisma instead.
- Wear that fur coat that’s a bit bulky but snazzy af.
- Thank your bus driver on your way off at your stop.
- Choose a few Christmas Angels from Walmart & play Santa Claus for an afternoon.
- Ice your friends who have important business matters to tend to later.
- When you’re driving during rush hour, let that desperate car move over a lane.
- Smile at your friends, at your enemies, at the “nobodies”, at the people who are just “too cool”, at your professors, at the limitless sky, & even at the cracked sidewalk below you..
because to let the negativity overcome you like a virus is only feeding the hate, fueling the hostile, & igniting a fire you never intended to start.
because when times are rough, you just have to lift your chin up, pull back your shoulders, give a nod of your head,
& f u c k i t .