documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

HOW TO GET YOUR CRUSH TO TOLERATE YOU

HOW TO GET YOUR CRUSH TO TOLERATE YOU

People suck.

I love people.

Yet I hate them at the same time for being so damn swell because before I know it, I catch the feels ..

& then BAM.

They break your heart.

& it’s by LITERALLY doing NOTHING.

Like no relationship ever existed, so there wasn’t a rom-com movie fallout where you desperately fall onto your knees in the middle of the street as the rain drenches you..

yet it still feels as if that very scene took place.

You still feel that grosssssss pain in your chest.

Or maybe it was actually heartburn from the salsa you had earlier..but my point stands.

Crushes suck. One day they are super duper thrilling & hilarious, & then the next day you find yourself gloomy & frustrated because you’re traveling in a circle.

Well, I’m probably the worst individual to take romantic advice from because I’m professionally trained in the field of being dropped, but ayyeee just trust me kiddos. What could possibly go wrong (other than everything)??

HOW TO WIN OVER THE HEART OF YOUR CRUSH:

  1. Memorize their schedule. Choose to take similar routes to class that they take. But don’t make it too obvious. Just stride on passed them, giving a quick glance, casual smile & nod of the head. & then GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE. Disappear off into the distance all mysteriously. So basically be a low key stalker & then run away like you’re a five year old who got caught snooping your Christmas presents. WORKS EVERY SINGLE TIME.
  2. Drink golden beet juice twice a day because it simulates your pheromones through a cellular process referred to as “the pheremonial cycle”, named after Swiss chemist Johnathon D. Pherimondalleon who discovered it virtually accidentally in 1957..brilliant I know. See, there are perks to being a biology major. I learn the tricks of the trade woot woot.***
  3. Whenever you are around your crush, be sure to mumble you gotta git schwifty…shit on the floor…This is absolute magic when it comes to the art of seduction.. I‘m Mr. Bulldops.. Like what human can resist that?? Not a human I’d want to associate myself with. So, not only does this make your crush fall in love with you, but if they don’t, then you know they are a fake fan & it’s time to get the hell outta there. Take off your pants & panties… shit on the floor..
  4. Wear your college ID tag around your neck. Yes, now you look like a freshman kiddo. SO EMBARRASSING AH. Wear a shirt that says “Fries Before Guys”. Annnddd, change your Facebook status to “It’s complicated ^-^”. Basically become your 2008 self because who doesn’t just adore a classy individual??????????????
  5. Lastly, take your daily vitamins, specifically the gummy ones that are shaped like bears. They are dank. Ha. & that has nothing to do with your crush, but just thought I’d share that with you all. Anything animal-shaped, like those dinosaur nuggets they sell at Costco are RAAAAADDD. They always provide an extra OOMPH to your days..if it’s a super duper day, maybe even a UNTZ UNTZ UNTTTZZZ.

In the end, I hope I opened your mind a bit with these incredible tips. Doctor approved.

***Furthermore, I completely made up the part about golden beet juice. Oops.

Don’t hate me.

Please?



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