documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

ALL OF THE THINGS I AM NOT GETTING DONE, BUT AM GOING TO LIE TO MYSELF & SAY I AM- SUMMER 2017 DOG

ALL OF THE THINGS I AM NOT GETTING DONE, BUT AM GOING TO LIE TO MYSELF & SAY I AM- SUMMER 2017 DOG

Summer break is your time to relax, yet still simultaneously be productive. It’s a time when you actually have time to get stuff done, but in a casual, stress-free manner. Throughout second semester, we all find ourselves saying “This summer I will…” or “When school is out of the way I will…” or “When I’m at last free in two months I’ll finally be able to…”

hmm is that so?

yuh

ha ha ha

noo

Let me guess. You pushed all your shit to the side, saved it for this summer, made a bunch of promises to yourself… right? Little did you realize all of that shit you procrastinated which supposedly comes “second to school” (just like everything else your lazy self doesn’t feel like doing) is going to get lost in the next 3 months along with your motivation, ambition, & the hours worth of notes & information you crammed into your head this past year.

Well, today I am here to call you out.

Is it to help you? Is it to make you half smile? Maybe boost my deteriorating self-esteem? Is it because I’d rather be typing a blog post then study for the final I have to take tomorrow?

Eh, I’d say you’re on the right track. But whatever the reason, here are 5 things your wonderful, hard-working self will claim is going to get done– dude. Face it. It’s never going to leave the “idea” stage.

  1. “THIS SUMMER I AM GOING TO MAKE MONEY.” Okay, maybe you did beat the odds & get a job. Maybe even two if you really wanted to get stacked. Buuuuuttt don’t get your hopes up. This money will take a detour on it’s way to your savings account; maybe making a stop at In ‘n’ Out for some animal fries, at Urban Outfitters (to the sale section obviously), at the gas station to fill-up the tank, at AMF for $2 Tuesday, & finally to Spotify when you forget to cancel your 3 month premium discount. Before you know what hit you, your wallet will be empty. && once again, you’ll be surviving off of Costco & Sephora samples. But I’m sure your broke college student identity will ease on back without a problem.
  2. “I AM GOING TO FIX MY SLEEP SCHEDULE.” Yeah school really screwed us over on that one. Finals had us doing all-nighters (psshhh as if we weren’t already used to them because of weekend shenans,, never!!). It’s a lovely thought, getting a solid 8-10 hours of sleep from 9:30 pm to 7:30 am. Waking up with the sun rather than an alarm clock. Joyfully leaping out of bed, eager to start the day rather than slowly falling towards the floor as your entire body is choked by your sheets as if they’re trying to warn you not to slap that snooze button. I already know that you are either going to be getting 3 hours of sleep (when it actually hurts to open your crusty eyes) or 17 hours of sleep (when it still hurts to open your crusty eyes). Don’t fight me on this one. It’s straight facts.
  3. “I AM GOING TO START FLOSSING MY TEETH.” Yoooo you’ve been saying that since grade 7. What makes this summer any different?? No you ain’t. I can’t really relate to this anymore because about 5 years back I started consistently flossing (like every day not just a week before my appointments) because I’m a giggler, so the dentist could see through my lies. Hooowweevverr, I know at least 50% of you don’t, so this is me telling you that that habit of not flossing will not magically change in the next 3 months.
  4. “I WILL BE TAN.” hahahahah I can’t tell you how many time I’ve said this. Yes, I am a ginger. Yes, I still have hopes and dreams. Yes, I now have come to terms that I will always be a pale marshmallow. &&& my continuous attempts at tanning will only increase the chance of getting the skin cancer that already runs in my family. Trust me yo, every single time I walk outside without sunscreen, I feel the sweet sensation of the DNA in my cells mutating. Many of you can relate I’m sure. Let’s be real. We can’t get everything we want in life.. shoutout to genes woot woot.
  5. “I WILL GET MY LIFE TOGETHER THIS SUMMER.” We all say this, but do we even have a clue wtf we are talking about. There’s no plan behind it. None. There’s no logic. There’s nothing there. So what is this gibberish????? What does it mean to get one’s life together? Superglue?? Hot glue?? Tape???? I can’t answer that. The closest answer I have is that you will unfortunately not be getting your life together just because the temperature is a wee bit warmer.

Well kids, I hope I didn’t break your hearts too much with this sad reality, but the truth hurts. And what doesn’t kill you, can only make you stronger.

L O L funny joke Riley, funnnnnyyy stuff.

Kinda.

Sooo kick off your summer with some fun hootenannies, some beyond low expectations, & some extra watery h2o (Always stay hydrated kids. I can’t stress the importance of this enough. The average person could live without food for nearly a month, but we could only survive about one week without water. Water is required to moisten &digest food through saliva &gastric secretions, transport nutrients to & from cells via blood, discard waste in our urine, as well as dissipate heat by sweat. Abraham Lincoln said it best: “Thousands have lived without love, but no one has lived without water.”) ADIOS.

hydration yo


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