documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

5 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR LOCAL BARISTA CRINGE WITH SPECIAL GUEST TORI RAE

5 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR LOCAL BARISTA CRINGE WITH SPECIAL GUEST TORI RAE

As most of you know, the other Ir-twin, Tori, is a trained barista who I often take advantage of for free drinks.

“Yeaaahh Tori um yeah I am definitely visiting you because I miss you! Not for the dirty chai..WITH ALMOND MILK by the way.”

Well, everyday she comes home with intense stories composed of heartbreak, triumph, & deception. It blows my mind how wild those aesthetically-pleasing coffee shops can get.. like damn, you hipsters are animals sometimes. Today, Tori is with us to inform you all on the absolute BEST ways to ruin a barista’s life. Everyone put your hands together for

the one, the only, Tori!

yay!

*audience puts hands together*

Sooooo, stay tuned if you are down for some enlightenment…

“Aye Tori, so what pisses you off at work?”

-When people don’t know how to tip.

“But I mean like regarding coffee?”

-When people bring their coffee shop chain shit into MY coffee shop. They can get the hell off my territory. *snaps fingers in z-formation* That Unicorn Frappe & that Caramel Annihilator can get outta my swamp.

“What else drives you insane?”

-Here’s what drives me insane: when people want latte art & order anything but whole milk. End of story. (Tori explained to me later that it’s nearly impossible to do art on milk that lacks fat).

“And?”

-When people ask for decaf espresso. It’s survival of the fittest; people who cannot handle caffeine will eventually die out. The sooner, the better.

“How does it make you feel when I leave all of my food scraps & napkins & other junk in your dishware tub (even though the trash can is like 2 feet away) & then casually make a run for it?

-Grateful. Now I get to lather myself in your food scraps. Thanks for the soggy moisturizer.

“Tell me a few of your triggers yo…”

-Odd numbers. When people order espresso shots in odd numbers. We only pull in doubles. Way to make my life complicated. 

-When people yell at me because their computer is a piece of shit & won’t connect to the wifi. 

“@ me next time.”

-When costumers complain about the price off coffee…”It’s sooo expensive!!!!” Well, no kidding, that’s why I got a job here. Cheap coffee? Try McCafe or Dennys. Sincerest apologies.

“What’s the worst coffee drink a person could order? Yuh know, just in case we are ever about to brawl & I need to low key get back at you.”

-Iced Cappuccinos. Mostly because they don’t exist. Stop with the orders.

“I will remember to request that next time. Don’t you worry.”

“Last question. This is a personal one. How many cups of coffee do you drink per day? Is it a necessity? Does it dilate your pupils & give you a rush like no other? Since your constantly surrounded by such an addicting substance, have you lost control yet?”

-I am a slave to coffee. The smell of my pee is a great indicator of that. It has the power to manipulate me more than any other drug known to man…luckily it’s legal. Waiting on my intervention. Come at me withdrawal headaches. I already have migraines so these are going to be petty.

PSA: The Tori Irwin loves her customers and loves customer service and loves everyone despite their lack of coffee knowledge. She requested I inform you all that shitty customers only make her appreciate the good ones more. She also requested that you all should come visit her at work.

 

 

 



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