documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

23 MINUTES WORTH OF MY BRAIN'S THOUGHTS (HA SO NOT MUCH)

23 MINUTES WORTH OF MY BRAIN'S THOUGHTS (HA SO NOT MUCH)

Put Riley alone in Macy’s for 23 minutes on a fine Sunday morning. &&& BUH-BAM. She randomly spits out wisdom.. or is it absolute crap..or could it possibly be her flesh-burning coffee?? Eh, I’m going to go with D) all of the above because I think at least two of those are true. Also, I haven’t bubbled in a D) in a while.

You know, I’ve never really believed in the whole idea of “finding yourself”. I mean I look in the mirror and there I am. What else is there to see? And then I find myself in a psychology class my junior year of high school, learning of theories about an entire unconscious part of our mind that we don’t even realize is lurking. I mean yeah, it makes perfect sense and is quite interesting– yet I still found myself treating life as if that notion didn’t apply to me. Like I’ve said before, I’ve never viewed a part of me as hidden, but now that I think about it, it’s probably because I was unaware that there was another part of me in existence. Similar to the way a knock in the head can trigger migraines, a knock in my head released a new Riley. Or maybe “new” is the wrong word. Maybe it’s not a “new” version of me, maybe it’s just Riley.

We, humans, society, everyone, have the awful habit of turning down our saturation. Yes, we all express our passion, our quirks, & our qualities, but we minimize their vibrancy. We withhold the extremes of our traits. For example, a person may express their love for modern poetry, but the internal explosion taking place within one’s heart when their eyes read a beautiful demonstration of symbolism isn’t shown. We tone down our “weirdness” in order to be normal, mature, socially accepted, & what not. By doing this, we are entrapping a special aspect of ourselves; an aspect that sets us apart from the rest of the world. The aspect that helps us really understand each other as an individual human being. & it makes me sad to think about this because I want to know you for you. I don’t want to know the version of you created by your desire to fit in. I want to know the person who head bangs to Tiesto in the shower. The person who’s almost been in multiple brawls over their fantasy football team. The person whose parent’s disapproval could never overcome their obsession with the art of piercings & tattoos. Isn’t it more lame to hold yourself back for no reason? To keep a piece of yourself a secret from the universe?

The feeling of complete expression is freeing. The second you let go of your fears & teachings & reveal yourself to yourself, you partake in an enlightening experience. It’s a moment of bliss & serenity, of purity & genuineness, & of true, legitimate happiness. I remember last November being one of the most difficult months of my life, each day spanning longer & longer, just wishing it’d be over. Yet here I am today, content that I was chosen to feel that pain & dread. Without the suffering, I would have never realized that I had barely known myself. The mind that I used everyday, that of which I assumed I knew so well, turned out to be a complete stranger to me. A change took place– it was not immediate & is still taking place. I can’t really put this change into words, but I hope you can locate it in my smile. Maybe you can’t see my third eye, but I promise you it has opened. & I really hope yours will someday, too.

This whole process of “finding oneself”  is something I still have a difficult time believing, but as of last Fall, I underwent a transition. Okay, I might be a wee bit crazy. Or is it overly optimistic? You might be convinced I was abducted by aliens & probed with insane thoughts. You might think I’ve made too many stupid decisions these last few months. I’m chill with that. If you get anything from this blog post, I hope that it is the desire to turn your saturation back up, to not be afraid of the qualities that make you you, & to not hesitate so much. No more overthinking.



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