documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

Some Recent Stuff

HOW TO GET BOYS TO LIKE “LIKE” YOU

HOW TO GET BOYS TO LIKE “LIKE” YOU

Yes, I am here today, as a long-time hopeless romantic with an astoundingly low success rate, to hand over some GUARANTEED to work advice.

FROM MEXICO TO VEGAS: A STORY OF SURVIVAL

FROM MEXICO TO VEGAS: A STORY OF SURVIVAL

From Mexico to Vegas– yuh I am not dead bitches believe it or not.

FUCKING UP IN FRONT OF MALES

FUCKING UP IN FRONT OF MALES

This picture is of middle school eyebrow-less Ri Bread crying.

My skills include having little to no skills, talking too much, stubbing my toes on coffee tables, forgetting where I parked my car, & fucking things up when I’m around boys.

I’ve learned to embrace these one-of-a-kind talents, particularly the fucking things up in front of the male species. I’m sure many of you hooligans can relate to the red face of humiliation when you turn into a vegetable in front of the person you’re trying so damn hard to impress…we’ve all experienced it from both sides. 

It can be quite traumatic am I right or am I right?

Well, today, I’m going to tell you six times (six for dicks *chugs king’s cup* *stumbles to toilet* *realizes I do not have a dick*) where I really fookin fooked up & rolled away into the sunset crying. ha. There’s like 500000 more stories I could tell, but gotta keep it casual aye.

HERE WE GO:

  1. Okay, I remember it was winter, so I was somewhat slacking on shaving my legs because my dorm shower water was like frigid torture & I was always wearing jeans. I was wearing these super duper ripped jeans, so I asked my pal if she thought I needed to shave my knee cap. I mean it wasn’t like an animal, but it was like rubbing against a prickly pear cactus. Well, she advised me not to because quote on quote “no one will notice girl”. I FUCKED UP. That night I was hanging with my crush (hehehehhehe) & he tried to jokingly touch the pressure point on my knee & at the very moment his finger came into contact with my limb, his hand was punctured & blood spewed everywhere & his hand was shredded & so was my heart & any chance I had of winning him over.
  2. On the very first day of my neurobiology class, we had to memorize everybody’s names, as well as where they are from (it was an association/ chunking game to start the course off). It worked! ‘Twas incredible (June 11th ayyeee “I WANTED TO GO BOWLING”)— my class was small, thus we were all homies by the end of the semester. It was stellar.. well until I saw one of the homies at a party & couldn’t remember his name. He called me “Riley”. My dumb ass self accidentally called him “Peoria” because that’s where he’s from.  Fooooooook. Yeah, his name wasn’t Peoria. Haven’t talked to him since. *cringe*
  3. Oh, fuck. Okay there was the cute dude that would always laugh at my lame jokes, so it was basically love at first sight. I was low key obsessed with him (not in a creepy way, but in the sense that Tori & I had a code name for him *insert middle school giggles*). One day at a small party, my buzzed self stood laughing with him about the chemistry class that we both suffered in. I for some odd reason thought it was a good idea to admit to him that every morning I’d time my walk just so I’d run into him before class. In my head it sounded adorable, but out loud I came off as a fookin’ creepy head. To save myself, I continued to add details about how Tori once called me to tell me she saw him & in the end, you guessed it, I probably should have kept my mouth shut. Yeah. We aren’t dating. Never did. & now we never will. WOOT WOOT WAY TO GO RI BREAD.
  4. So here I am boozin’ on a cruise ship, dancin’ with an 87 year old named Annie. What a sight. She was definitely showing me up. & apparently I was showing things too because this ASU lookin’ frat boy comes up to me & quietly whispers that he is coming to me as a friend & let me in on the fact I was on the verge of flashing the entire boat. What a true bro. My face grew red…thank god jesus lordy that I already had a sunburn. Foooooook it.
  5. Fifteen minutes prior to the shit show, I had met a guy for the first time & his friends & I were all standing around the counter as he poured shot glasses. Like god damn it, perfectly sober Ri knocks over the glasses, spilling alcohol everywhere. To make matters worse, after refilling them, I miss my mouth & spill it all over my face & clothes. Fook life. First impressions are everything, rigggghhhtttt. Hello, my name is Riley, but most people call me a dumb ass.
  6. Tori and I were at Barnes & Noble. YO IT SMELLS SO GOOD IN THERE CAN WE ALL JUST TAKE A MOMENT. Okay so these two dudes come up to us & ask if we’d like to join them for coffee. I was caught off guard & am also clueless af under pressure… I reply the first thing I can think of: “I would, but I’m not old enough to drink coffee yet.” Might I remind you that I am 16 or 17. They both give me the strangest stare & one says “Coffee?” & I had a heart attack as I responded “Yeah my parents won’t let me drink it yet. I’m too young.” Fucking fook fuck. It was a wee bit awkward after that hahahhahahah. Golly gee.
  7. December 31st.. I FUCKED UP so badly. I spontaneously went to a party & am still in shock that a guy waaaaayyyy out of my league (who I maybe said two words??? to in high school) was talking to me..wait for it..& actually chuckling at my bad jokes. Like he is absolutely one of those people you never develop feelings for because you already know that they are too good for you. & the chance of this person ever taking notice of your insignificant existence is..it’s just impossible. Everything magically fell into place. It was like a dream. Well, I wish it was dream because after the New Year’s kiss I clumsily poured an entire bag of wine on him. Then followed this momentous occasion by slapping his full wine glass off the table on to his fancy smancy pants. Thennnn to make matters worse, his little brother came up to Tori & said “..hey your sister is that girl who spilled wine all over my brother a thousand times”. Yup. Starting the new year off with a bang & some stained designer jeans. I was on top of the world for a few hours, but leave it to me to fuck it up. Ugh.
  8. HAHAHHAH next December 31st..I ate shit. Decadence. Cold air. From outside we can hear the countdown. 15 seconds until midnight. SHIT. So me & this guy start running inside. The night had been more flawless than I ever could have imagined & this was going to be the cherry on top for sure!!! It’s one of those experiences where you choose not to question why it is all falling into place. Then I actually fell. I mean legit tripped mid sprint, ate shit in front of everyone outside, & laid in the grass as the clock struck midnight. I looked up & he was gone. Same with my pride& dignity. I contemplated life face down in the dirt for a solid 7 seconds. Definitely would have been a snapchat worthy video— my hands & knees were green & muddy from the grass. Fucking up New Years is my favorite tradition.
  9. Last but not least, I was working my “test” shift at the bar I had applied at. It’s going sweet, but then a shit ton of people surround the bar. It resembled the very first Spongebob episode. If you don’t know what I’m referencing, please see yourself to the door immediately. Anywho, I’m getting drinks for these lovely dudes. Sweeeeet. Eventually, it gets so wild that my manager comes to the back to help us bartenders with the crowd. Well, long story told short, there was a mix up of orders& my manager makes me 6 Moscow mules for 6 of my customers that did not order them. He became super duper pissed, dumping all of the expensive alcohol drinks into the sink right in front of me. Frustrated, he tells me to go away. I begin to tear up— I mean I wanted the position more than I could ever put into words..I had worked my ass off..& one fuck up was going to make the time & energy I sacrificed worthless. So behind the bar, I began to cry in front of everyone. I quickly exited towards the back closest where I lingered for a bit. One of the lovely guys I had been serving came up to my disheveled self &must have saw me crying because he took the blame of the situation to my manager…& believe it or not, asked for my number. Fooooook. I sniffled & typed it in. First impressions, once again, are everything& I fucked up this one without a doubt. Yeeet.

There’s 9 stories instead of 6 because I once again fucked up.

Ooooooops.

THAT’S ALL FOLKS!

We all fuck up, but I’m not feeling any deep meaning shit right now, so I’m gonna end this with

UR MOM.

burn.

I’D LIKE TO CALL FOR A TOAST

I’D LIKE TO CALL FOR A TOAST

It’s been since February.. wut wuuuutttt iz dis??? I am back & here to stay!!!!!! Woooot woot

STILL CRUSHIN’ IT

STILL CRUSHIN’ IT

Crushin’ it since 2017– that’s all I can say.

THIS DOGGO IS ABOUT TO DRIVE THE TRUCK HAHAHAH NOW DON’T BE STRESSED YUH SILLY GOOSE THIS IS TOO FUNNY TO BE STRESSED LIKE IMAGINE IF YOU SAW HIM IN THE LANE OVER

THIS DOGGO IS ABOUT TO DRIVE THE TRUCK HAHAHAH NOW DON’T BE STRESSED YUH SILLY GOOSE THIS IS TOO FUNNY TO BE STRESSED LIKE IMAGINE IF YOU SAW HIM IN THE LANE OVER

Ah.
Ahhh.
Ahhhh my god.
I swear I’m on the verge of exploding.
Head pounding. Heart pounding.                                                                                      “Hmmm I suddenly have the urge to punch something.”

MAYBE A SMALL CHILD

I swear I might as well roll away into the distance at this very moment because I AM A BALL OF STRESS.
And being stressed might just be one of the worst feelings ever. No exaggeration my friendos.
What a frenzy our mind becomes…
so this is my shout out to @life *blocked & reported bitch* for being such a great pal to me these previous 19 years.
@life ALWAYS knows just the perfect time to spontaneously combust.

Hahahahahahahahahaha that’s noice.

Okay, okay, fine, mhmm, I’ll relax. As a professional stressor (Monday through Thursday from 9 A.M. to 5 P.M. and Sunday nights from 11:43 P.M. to 11:59 P.M.), I have learned numerous ways of toning down the time-to-scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-because-everything-is-falling-apart attitude that likes to overcome our rationality once in a while. So instead of stressing you out with a super duper long post, I’ll just hand over the list…

inhale
1, 2, and 3–
now exhale

*phase 1 of project un-stress has now been completed*

Now, here are some of my most stellar tips to alleviate that damn stress (damn as in crappy, not the damn that’s like “ooohh daayyyymmmn baby you hella swella fine ayyyee”)

I apologize if that explanation of the word “damn” gave you a rush of anxiety– ’twas a lot of ((what do the 2010 middle schoolerz call it again?? oh yeaahhhh ratchet!!)) ’twas a lot of ratchetness to take in all at once.

5 TIPS TO UNDO THE STRESS WAD IN YOUR DESIGNATED PERIOD UNDERWEAR (only home girls will understand the reference most likely):

  1. Take a bath. Shut up about the whole “swimming in your own filth blah blah blahhh” notion. I swear, there’s nothing better than falling (like legit falling because I am such a clumsy human) into a fresh, steamy, bubbly, so-tight-that-you-might-feel-like-you-are-returning-to-the-womb bath. *insert oohs and ahhs* The whole closing your eyes and detoxifying is such a lovely sensation. Just wash your problems down that drain. Simple. Oh, and rub your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/dog with those wrinkly prune fingers right on their cheek when they least expect it… so kinky am I right?? No, I am not right. Not right at all.
  2. Make yourself some avocado toast. Why? It’ll keep your mind busy! It takes a crazy amount of focus to cut, peel, slice, & spread avocado, yet the experience is such a freeing one. The pop of your accidentally burnt toast will be a moment of true enlightenment as you mend the damage with some mashed avocado. This is the real-life version of “You’re not broken, just burnt. You can learn to love again” ft. the world’s BEST fruit. Everyone, please remember that the pit in your stomach is temporary…throw it in the trash can in a similar fashion that you would remove an avocado pit.
  3. Go on a run! Sprinting up a steep mountain is my favorite destressifier (yes I made up that word). I know the mere thought of moving any faster than crawling on all fours immediately makes you surge in stress, but think about it for a second… *plays Jeopardy theme* Running might cause you the most excruciating pain EVER, but then it will make the pain from all you are stressing about seem insignificant! Don’t forget to stretch first!
  4.  Take a chill pill! Over-the-counter! At your local pharmacy! These don’t exist! Ha! I wish my struggles could be solved that easily! Okay, proceed to the last tip! Dude, get out of here! Go! I am not encouraging drugs! Now go to number five!
  5. Write what’s stressing you out on a piece of paper. This ACTUALLY helps me. I think putting your thoughts, appointments, worries, homework assignments, etc. right in front of you makes everything seem that much less of a big deal! In your brain, it is blown out of proportion. It’s important to realize most of the stuff we stress about is either completely out of our control or us future tripping. What matters is the present (don’t make me quote King Fu Panda kids). We put pressure on ourselves that’s completely unnecessary. Worry about shit when it happens because worrying about what might happen is only going to make you suffer twice.

And I close this with:
Good luck. Give everything that stresses you out a middle finger. Well, hmmm, maybe not your boss. Or your mom. Or that little old lady that just took the grocery cart you were about to grab…
eh, you get the point.

AND THAT IS THE REASON YOU ARE SAD

AND THAT IS THE REASON YOU ARE SAD

Came upon this little piece I scrambled up in the notes on my phone a while back– oh Ri.

BE MORE RESPONSIBLE

BE MORE RESPONSIBLE

First impressions are everything. But are they really? What about last impressions? What about the impression YOU made last night when you strolled into the party? Champagne glass resting in your hand. Shoulders back. Posture straight. Graceful gestures. Delicate smile & all. The last idea […]

CATEGORIZING PEOPLE BEEECH

CATEGORIZING PEOPLE BEEECH

Last September, I wrote about .2% of this blog post, forgot about it, & it disappeared into my drafts. However, recently I had one of those Nicholas Cage  moments when I discovered this treasure (didn’t even have to steal the Declaration of Independence) & thought “hmmm maybe I should get off my lazy ass & finish it”. So I did.

Okay, basically what I did here is categorize the groovy humans at raves because.. um well.. I don’t really have a reason..which is more of a reason not to read the rest of this blog post. But hey! It’s 2018! Spread some love by at least skimming???

Soooo, um yeah, I guess these are a few of the types of people you melt next to at raves:
  1. The Rave Fam: These people are the raddest folks you will ever meet.
  2. The Head Banging Hooligans: The people who happily form a heart-warming circle to all head-bang in & allow everyone, friendos or strangers, to join in on the action. The people who are willing to deal with chronic neck pain. The people who grab hold of the railing and let the music do the rest. They also complain the next day for not remembering the set.
  3. The High School Mates You Forgot Existed: The scariest thing about raves is seeing people you knew from high school. You awkwardly make eye contact, have a double-take, sometimes projectile vomit, & give each other the look. I honestly adore the weird expressions they give me for being there. “Like who would have thought that girl who sat in front of me in AP Language Arts would someday be wearing pasties, glitter, and be dancing like an absolute fool?” Well, lemme tell yuh, beeps, barks, & boops can change a person.
  4. Mom & Dad: Your second parents. The ones who remind you to drink your H2O..basically breast feeding you with their hydropack. The one who gives you the much needed back massage, chills with you on the cold floor, holds your hair back when you vomit, & whips out the vicks & shoves it up your nose. Mom & Dad, you know who you are. You rage with us, but still manage to keep all of your children in check. I’d just like to take a moment to thank you for saving my life on numerous occasions & for always coming in clutch. (especially @ emerald)
  5. The Handsy Squirmy Wierdos: The people who stand uncomfortably next to you & casually rub their sweaty self against your left leg, so you scoot to the side, yet they still somehow keep swiping you BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE SENDING THEM PISSED OFF LOOKS & CONTINUE TO STEP AWAY, THEY STILL INTERPRET THAT AS YOU BEING INTERESTED IN THEM. Like yo. Dude. Give my left leg some breathing room. Let me thrust my body to the music in peace. Jeez. Is that too much to ask? This type of person LITERALLY makes me want to scream.. I swear you turn around & suddenly there’s like 7024913 more of these weirdos lookin’ like a human centipede grind line that you see at hormone imbalanced middle school dances. Gross. *bashes head against wall*
  6. The Starers: There’s always that one person, maybe a stranger or maybe a friend, who you somehow make eye contact with every 30 seconds regardless of where they are in the crowd. And then you just stare. And stare. And stare a little more. And then stare a lot of more.
  7. The PLUR Cult: PLUR is an amazing thing, don’t get me wrong here. I love the whole concept & think it is super duper hilarious to make kandi that says “I need to poopy help me” Yes, I did make this once & accidentally gave it to a coworker.. ha. Yeahhh..regrets.. ha..haa.. ha. But, however, even so, everything has an extreme. & those EXTREME PLUR people can be a bit much to take in. It’s really hard to describe them, but if you go to a rave/ festival, you’ll know who I am talking about because you’ll instantly get anxiety when in close proximity.
  8. The Overdosed On Emotions Kiddos: The people who won’t stop smiling, hug you in 10 second intervals, take photos of you, cry over “HOW BEAUTIFUL YOUR GLITTER IS”, & stand there observing the crowd with their hand covering their heart & mouth.
  9. The Lost Puppies: The pals that you can’t lose sight of for more than 2 minutes or they’ll wander off. You then have to search for them in the lost & found aka the area right behind the main crowd where there’s like a huge pit of lost puppies roaming in circles as if they’re being herded. Innocently looking around. Big eyes. Maybe a scared expression. All they had to do was use the potty, but ended up becoming a stray. *”In the arms of the angels…” can be heard in the background*
  10. The Folks You Will Never See Again: The posers. The fake fans. Name 52.4 albums or you aren’t a REAL fan. What’s the DJ’s mother’s maiden name? Don’t know. FAKE. That’s you. Faker. These people are seen at one rave. Never again. Why? It just seemed like the trendy thing to do. Furthermore, catch ’em there for Steve Aoki, Martin Garrix, and DJ Khaled. Catch ’em hyperventilating when they can’t find an aesthetically-pleasing wall to take a hand at hip picture that would soooo fit perfectly next to that duck face selfie on their Instagram! Catch ’em upset when they realize concert lighting is straight shit & will not accentuate your make-up, but instead make you appear to be on drugs.
  11. I originally had 16, but to make life simpler, I narrowed it down to 10, but 10 is waaayyy too predictable, thus I re-added one to make it 11. Hipster. The Hype: These people are stellar. Their presence elevates the experience by a million percent. They are constantly moving, dancing, vibing, jumping, etc. They are the woot woot. The people who race towards the mosh pit. The people who can get from the back of the crowd to the front rail with “the hype walk tactic” (I swear it is possible to hype your way through sardines & yes, I did come up with that name & yes, I realize that’s a very clever name). The hypers are the reason you walk out the gates at the end of the night grinning & fist bumping. Woot woot.

We all know these people.

Until next time -4 viewers.

Thanks & have a good night,

Ri Bread

I’ll be here ’til Thursday.

Woot.

2018 ‘TIS SOME SHITTY RESOLUTIONS

2018 ‘TIS SOME SHITTY RESOLUTIONS

Seven snazzy resolutions that will magically alter you into a rad individual. Sick.

NAVIGATION

NAVIGATION

Well, once again you are getting a glimpse inside the notes on my severely cracked iphone.

RI’S CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE IS BACK

RI’S CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE IS BACK

HEYYY! TAP THE LINK BELOW TO A POST OF MINE FROM LAST YEAR (AKA GOOD OL’ 2K16) THAT JUST SLEIGHS.

puns.. ha.. hahah.

merry xmas kidz.

remember to be good.

FUCK IT.

FUCK IT.

I did what any smart girl would do: 1) cry on the toilet 2) take a bad ass selfie 3) leave all that shit where it belongs– in the public restroom & FUCK IT.

RILEY’S IPHONE NOTES–IT’S 12:13 A.M.

RILEY’S IPHONE NOTES–IT’S 12:13 A.M.

Just some stupid shit that’s taking up storage in the notes on my phone!!

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 6

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 6

GO TO JAIL.

GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL.

DO NOT PASS GO.

DO NOT COLLECT $200.

Riley Shae tends to draw the wrong card on occasion.. eh, on most occasions.

Starting over has always been difficult for me.

It’s rough to watch all you’ve worked for..all of the blood, the sweat, the tears..

*GONE!* *WHOOSH!*

was it worth it?

But really, was it?

I remember the uncontrollable smile on my face as I completed my final lap around the track

10 miles.

This was a momentous event for my wild self.

I hadn’t reached such a distance since the dispute with my body.

It took my two years to heal.

It took my two entire years of ups & downs

of ice packs & athletic tape

of doctor & therapy appointments–

& then one day, I finished the race.

I was back.

‘Twas a beautiful September afternoon.

I basked in the glory for a bit. I was shocked. Never did I imagine actually coming back from the dead.

But before I could do my cool down jog, life smacked me in the face.

7 classes later.

Crumbling friendships.

Tension.

Bad decisions.

Endless job hunting.

Illness.

Lack of sleep.

The hopeless endeavor to win over a guy.

The wrong priorities.

So many damn mistakes.

It was exhausting.

I stopped writing. I stopped calling my mom. I stopped making drinks. I stopped smiling.

I stopped running.

I cried a lot. My pillow put up with some mad shit lemme tell yuh.

My body screamed stress.

& I cursed “everything”.

I am a perfectionist, what more is there to say?

(no, this is not the anticipated way I answer “so what would you say is your biggest weakness?” at a job interview)

My performance in school is always on my radar (*cough* annoying perfectionist *cough*), thus it’s easy for me to trade my happiness & well-being to maintain a 4.0 GPA.

But a single realization can change a person.

Right.

What if I die tomorrow?

Would I be lying in a casket of regret for choosing perfectionism over laughing at myself?

For giving up so easily when once again my 10 mile victory morphed back into a one mile jog?

True strength is in flexibility.

It’s acceptance.

Accepting yourself.

It’s being able to reach the top at certain points in your existence, yet still being okay with all of the times you graze the bottom.

It was tough to find content in a body that once again aches as I attempt to conquer a trail (elevation yo).

It’s drawing the “GO BACK 3 SPACES” card, landing on Marvin Gardens (with a hotel eeek), & being chill with that.

But it is about your perception–

you can see yourself panting up a small incline–

or you can see yourself as making that wannabe Everest mountain YOUR BITCH.

 

As I struggled to complete that mile run today, I reminded myself:

the only way for me to truly appreciate my highest highs is to be okay with my lowest lows. As I said before, starting over just plain out sucks. & no matter how many times I have to start over, it’s still going to suck. Buuuuuttt it’s all about acceptance.

Life doen’t hand out “GET OUT OF JAIL FREE” cards (sadly).

Sometimes you just have to be okay with it.

12:07 A.M.

12:07 A.M.

I woke up to the nudging of words that wanted to be recognized..

HOW TO GET YOUR CRUSH TO TOLERATE YOU

HOW TO GET YOUR CRUSH TO TOLERATE YOU

I’m an expert. What more is there to say? Nothing aye. So check out this blog post because I can make your crush tolerate you. If not, you can brawl with me (stool & Irish pub not included) Buuuttt it’s a money back guarantee!

SOAKED & SUCH

SOAKED & SUCH

A quick read about my quick thought.

-When it rains, it pours.

It’s kind of funny– I mean this September Phoenix had a whopping total of zero inches of rain, yet I still found myself drenched the entire month.

& it kinda sucked because I was never prepared. I never seemed to have brought my rain coat & I never invested in a cute yellow pair of rain boots & I always seemed to have my make-up & hair all made up when suddenly I’d hear the sound of thunder…

&next thing ya know, I’m a mess. Completely soaked.

& it’s so damn easy to lay down on the ground & just let your problems defeat you (this is a metaphor. I love laying on the floor, particularly after a long ass day or a warm shower. This is not the stellar experience I am talking about folks.)

But regardless of how rough the storm is, never stop going on walks.

Literally.

You can interpret that as being a somewhat overly-used (I prefer the word clever) way of me saying “DON’T GIVE UP KIDS. STAY STRONG. RAINBOWS AFTER RAIN. *insert 2009 Facebook status*”

I am talking about actual walks.

Like move your feet along the Earth’s surface, get that flexion & extension at the hip, knee& ankle joints & at the front part of the foot, get that abduction & adduction at the hip joint& get that rotation at the knee &hip joints.

Maannn, that was a mouthful. But I am sure you get my point now. Walk. This is real walk.

ahhahahahaha see what I did there?? “walk” instead of “talk”

hahahah oh-so canny right?????

Okay, okay, I will shut up.

Taking walks are soooooooo damn underrated. Yeah it might not be that swagful (yes, I just said swagful) to hit your pals up with “ayyyeee wanna go for a stroll?”

…But then again, you can make it pretty bad ass.

*puts on shades*

*makes way downtown*

*walks fast*

*homebound*

*nods at strangers*

*wind suddenly changes directions*

For real though, I truly believe we all need an occasional walk. We all need a chance to breath some fresh air (well the quality is somewhat debatable). & maybe that means finding a nearby trail & connecting with nature. Or maybe it means walking across your apartment complex to take out the trash you’ve neglected for over a week, but low key choosing the long route so you can pass the cute boy with the cute dog.

I remember my friend Nicole told me that when I am at a loss of words, when my mind is discombobulated, when I’m losing touch with the present, to go outside. Absorb some Vitamin D. Notice your surroundings. Sometimes we get so caught up into ourselves, our problems, our mini universe, that we forget about the trees & the rocks & the dip in the road that we always curse at for slowly murdering our cars. & sometimes when we are overwhelmed beyond our limit & are on the verge of exploding, we simply need the breeze to slap some sense into ourselves.

I think its important to pay attention to the bric-a-bracs that lack any quality that would make them worthy of your attention. Hmmm sorta like the faded lanes that decorate the streets. Or sorta like the weeds you’ll catch your neighbor picking tomorrow morning, hunched-back & groaning. Or sorta like the sound of the bushes rustling.. & it might be because of the wind or because a venomous snake is about to fly out & eat you. Who knows. Or sorta like (like like like like like like hahah @ me when I’m doing presentations) the feeling of the little stones below your feet that are determined to make you roll your ankle at least once.

Just take a second to notice.

Just take a few minutes to go on a walk.

Even on the sunniest days, it rains– &when it rains, it does in fact pour.

But that’s your reason to go outside.

GOING GLOBAL

GOING GLOBAL

Are you a neck banger like me? Do you wake up & cry every morning because you whipped a bit too hard the previous night? I’ve got a training plan for you. Aye.

ROCKS FOR US ROCK BOTTOM FOOLS

ROCKS FOR US ROCK BOTTOM FOOLS

Yes, I’ve hit rock bottom. So why not make life one giant lame pun & turn to rocks?

SHE’S A REG

SHE’S A REG

There’s no greater feeling than walking into a coffee shop with your head up, shoulders back…

*whips off shades like you just erased the memories of a bunch of UFO witnesses*

…proudly grinning as you accept nods from all of the workers.

You basically own the place.

This is your joint ayyeee.

You don’t even have to order.

Your drink is already made.

Total badass vibes lemme tell ya.

I’d say I am a regular at two stellar sites for caffeine: Macy’s European Coffee House (Flagstaff, AZ since the 1980’s) & Elevate Coffee Company (Phoenix, AZ & make sure to order the blended dirty chai with almond milk). These places make my actual home feel more like a second home. Regardless of the circumstances, I always end up at these coffee shops somehow, whether it’s to type a blog post, attempt to do homework, or just chillAXE (go lumberjacks) & sip some flesh-burning black coffee. It’s actually kinda funny because I am currently typing this at Macy’s right now. Pssshhh don’t act so shocked!!!

But in all seriousness, being a regular provides me with somewhat of a sanctuary on the worst of days. Having somewhere to go that you are familiar with & always feel welcomed is comforting. Having a window seat to run away to when you’re completely lost, to look out at the strangers with mysterious stories, & reevaluate your entire existence is a luxury everyone should experience. It’s how to keep upright in this wild, insane universe.

Becoming a regular is similar to relationships.

When you initially see the building, your judgement on whether to go inside or not is that same judgement that made you swipe right on that dog Tinder account.

You can’t force a genuine bond; it will develop overtime on its own. It’ll probably take a super dramatic moment in your life, where you find yourself with nowhere to go….& BAM. You hide away in your local coffee shop. Alone, yet not alone– surrounded by others who may not be acknowledging you with anything more than a half smile or a “can I take your order”.

But sometimes all we really need is the simple act of someone holding the door open for us.

I was planning on this blog post being more of a joke, but DAAAMMMNN the wind shifted directions & I got deep & emotional for a second there. Noice.

I was planning on providing you with some useful tips (actually not useful, but I was going to pretend to be a wise ultra genius like I normally do with goal of making ya kidz chuckle a bit). But as I am sitting here, right now, pondering. {{Fun fact: I originally typed “thinking” but DAMMMNN the word “pondering” makes me sound intellectual & gives off more of the Ernest Hemingway feel rather than the illiterate child I often portray.}}

Well, anyways, I was ruminating (brb just one-upped pondering yo *flips table*) & I have decided to leave you with one vital piece of information…

Find somewhere that fills you with content. Somewhere to take cover when the world is raining on you. Somewhere that’ll catch you off guard when you realize that you are smiling for no reason whatsoever. Being a regular may seem a little weird–

but I swear, there’s just something about being able to walk into a coffee shop, where maybe everyone knows your face, your name, & your order, but no further questions asked–

you can just breathe.

LUMBERJACKS OR SHOULD I SAY…LUMBERWHACKS

LUMBERJACKS OR SHOULD I SAY…LUMBERWHACKS

Heading up north? It can be scary, but don’t you worry. You’re talking to an expert on all things Lumberjack.

OPEN YO MIND OR YOU BE BLIND (HA RHYMES *CRINGE* HA)

OPEN YO MIND OR YOU BE BLIND (HA RHYMES *CRINGE* HA)

Are you with me? Okay, I want you to close your eyes with me on the count of three & as soon as you can’t see a thing, I’m going to ask you to open your mind & see everything. Okay, one, two, thr-wait. CRAP. Scratch that. Open those eyelids, so you can read my post!!

DAAAMN THAT PASSION LOOKS SO GOOD ON YOU

DAAAMN THAT PASSION LOOKS SO GOOD ON YOU

Passion.

The way someone’s eyes glisten, their face lights up, their uncontrollable smile–

it’s absolutely exquisite. 

As the words roll from their lips, I watch carefully.

As they dive into their dreams & aspirations, I see it.

& what I see is difficult for me to formulate…I just can’t place the right adjectives in the right order to create an accurate description.

I remember sitting on one of those uncomfortable chairs that are included in every dorm room. My body was pointed towards the window. The anticipation man. I had never seen snow fall before & as the temperature dropped, my eagerness rapidly heightened. PLEASE PLEASE SNOW. I remember listening as my friend began to talk about the nooks & crannies of his favorite music genre.. actually more like gushed as he entered the trance of passion for this art. Not going to lie, a great deal of the time I had no idea what he was referencing & saying, yet I wanted to hear more& more. The intellect. The ardor. The intricacy. The explanations. Every. Single. Little. Detail. It did not matter that I was not at the same level of knowledge on the subject, the passion in his voice & movements were beautifully distinguished. Screw the snow. Tell me more.

Without passion it seems nearly impossible to find purpose within one’s life. There’s nothing more depressing than meeting a person who views just about everything as bland using “ugh” & “I’m tired” & “eh” & “sure I guess” & “I don’t do stuff” to sum up the daily. I mean one can have a passion for absolutely ANYTHING. Some have a passion for football, while others have a passion for Harry Potter- what’s the big deal? Some have a passion for white wines, while others have a passion for DIY crafts. That’s cool. I dig it. & even more, I want to hear about it! Regardless of what it is, how common or how quirky, passion is passion & that’s the only requirement.

“I don’t want to bore you talking about this.”

I remember when a different friend said that, pausing mid-sentence. Yes, I am a noob when it comes to vehicles, but the way my friend told his story, how he grew this interest in cars & how overtime his dad & him bonded over it, ’twas absolutely exquisite. I did have to use my imagination as he mentioned a variety of car parts & models, but the devotion in his voice allowed me to understand. & at that very moment, something in the atmosphere changed. I could have sworn he was glowing. I swear by it.

I remember our conversation. My friend did the speaking. & when she noticed this, my lack of response, it was just like that.. she stopped. I hadn’t been expecting the sudden interruption. I had been so embodied in her vehemence. It was enchanting. Her passion for a teensy bean is one-of-a-kind & yes, maybe the history lesson on coffee wasn’t something I, myself, could rave about the way she could, but I was perfectly content. The passion she held was beautiful. Her infatuation with the culture behind it may be something most (*cough* lame *cough*) people don’t give a shit about, but I wanted to hear it. The happiness that shot through her veins was contagious. Her genuine happiness provided me with genuine happiness.

& that’s just what passion does.

Neat, huh?

“Okay, so who is beautiful to you? Who are these girls you want to look like?”

I made a list aloud off the top of my head.

“You realize none of those girls you named look anything alike, right? They are different shapes & sizes & have completely different features.”

I had not realized this.

“Buuuut, what they do have in common is that they always seem to be smiling & have passions & ambitions & dreams.”

& suddenly it made sense to me.

Beauty shows itself through passion.

Here we are living in a society so obsessed with ourselves & bodies & looks. The extremes we go to physically…it’s absolutely insane. &I love my highlighter (so don’t get me wrong), but I swear one can intensify that glow in a way no palette can ever with a passionate attitude. Nothing is more attractive than a driven person, especially one with a genuine smile on their face.

A friend once caught me off guard when he asked me what I was passionate about. Such a simple question, right? Yet I did not have an answer I was satisfied with. It bothered me in ways I can’t explain. It took me over 48 hours: I have a passion for people (which explains my album full of polaroids of everyone I meet) &a passion for trying new things (which has proven to be the absolute best AND worst simultaneously).

& everyday I’m still learning about myself, still changing my mind, & discovering new passions–

it’s exhilarating.

Try it.

NOCTURNAL NONSENSE

NOCTURNAL NONSENSE

I’m in a coffee shop. Black & no room. There I typed away for 36 minutes. & I’m sure you can figure out what sort of blog post came from another one of my sporadic ((aka unorganized& discombobulated)) revelations….

LEMME HELP YUH SPICE UP THAT MILD LIFE OF YOURS

LEMME HELP YUH SPICE UP THAT MILD LIFE OF YOURS

Sorry, but your life is just a plain ol’ rice cake. I can fix it. *insert Holes meme*

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 5

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 5

Us athletes are extraordinary creatures. We are insane. We are passionate. We are mentally & physically strong. Yet here we find ourselves vulnerable to the limitless horizons.

PERFECTIONISM IN ATHLETES

The wrath of perfectionism- remember my somewhat suspenseful (at least pretend it gave you goose bumps for my sake) blog post regarding such an ailment? Well, here I am today continuing my TO BE CONTINUED.

Okay, so perfectionism is associated with teen girls who want to be like these “ideal” women on magazine covers who have been photo-shopped & dehumanized beyond belief. Yes, ’tis a problem in our current society. However, this is NOT what I am addressing in this post. Perfectionism is more than a problem fourteen year old girls have, it’s a problem that your “RESILIENT, POWERFUL, AMBITIOUS” athletes are facing. & it’s being ignored. Or maybe it’s that we just have not recognized this plague for what it truly is.

The desire to be THE BEST is the difference between a mediocre athlete & a successful athlete. Regardless of one’s physical stamina & ability, the mental drive to leave it all on the field, court, etc. is what determines the overall outcome at the end of the day. The blood, the sweat, the tears, that’s what to look for…that exhausted, red-faced competitor stepping onto the field with shaking legs but carrying oneself with a firm pride, chin raised. We know that image well. We’ve perceived it in movies, in books, in our favorite professional athletes. & how can we tell the admirable, determined youth that enough is enough, especially when they are demonstrating the forte we have all dreamed of grasping? To see someone do the impossible.. how can we tell someone who appears so close to reaching their dream to turn it down a notch?

Exercising provides me a rush like no other- instant happiness. I spent years juggling soccer, track, cross country, dance, martial arts, etc. These were definitely some of the most rewarding moments of my life, even when my body ached & the Arizona sun fried me, there was always a smile on my face. By the time senior year came around, I knew it was my final lap in high school sports, thus I knew it was my last chance to give it everything I had. Eventually, I would not be able to turn to my teammates as we walked off the soccer field & yell “see you at practice next week!” It was rough to think about. I really avoided the topic of “after graduation” whenever I could. (Sports were something I wanted to view a positive& rewarding use of my time rather than a job, so I never pursued the idea of competing at a college-level).

To perform the best, I knew simply showing up to practice wasn’t going to cut it. ‘Tis the little things that add up. My diet, my technique, my equipment, my recovery, what I did after hours, were important components I knew were essential to consider. If I could perfect all of these outside factors, then surely I would see my hard work reflected in my performance, right?

WRONG.

Perfection strangled my brain & suffocated my sanity. It was a sign of my future downfall.

But it was disguised as the traits of a passionate athlete.

Initially, the enjoyment fueled my drive. & eventually, the praise kept me from seeing that my tank was at empty.

& it all began when I decided to become aware of my diet. If I ate the right amount of carbs, protein, fat, vegetables, fruits, dairy, liquids, oils, etc., then I would definitely perform better. Or at least better than I would if I mindlessly ate food. My goal was to help my body & in return, wouldn’t my body help me out a bit? Run a bit faster? Hold out a bit longer? Kick a bit further? That’s what the professionals do, right? That’s what they are always promoting on their Instagrams, yuh know? Every move, every bite, every hour are decisions being made ALWAYS regarding their future performance. Life becomes a strategy game, so one must trade the spontaneous shenanigans for a planner.

But there is no right way. There’s no perfect diet. Previously, I’ve mentioned how every single diet claims to be “the one” yet they all have contradicting ideas. So someone is not being completely honest here. It’s about the money. What diet is going to be upfront & admit “this lifestyle change will only be a temporary fix, but your mind is going to convince you that you’ve never experienced such a high& must donate your soul if you ever want to feel this great again”.

Needless to say, my first mistake was trust.

Never trust the only business in the world with a 98% failure rate.

Never.

This seems quite obvious, right? But how many of you have cut dairy out? How many of you shop in the gluten-free section because gluten is “bad”? How many of you refuse to eat white bread…or bread in general? How many of you count calories? How many of you have dropped the oils & the dressings? How many of you ignore your hunger cues because you heard that your body should be fed every three hours?

& who told you to do this? You weren’t born with this knowledge or inclination. You learned it from somewhere, someone, hmmm. Interesting.

Not to point fingers or anything, but the dieting industry is over there awkwardly standing in the corner avoiding direct eye contact.

Perfecting my diet was the first step to make me a perfect athlete.

Take a guess on how that turned out?

LIPSTICK & LUNGES

LIPSTICK & LUNGES

YOU have been selected to receive two free passes on a totally legitimate cruise! This is not a scam. I repeat, this is NOT A SCAM! Click the link below to receive a special email with your special tickets because you were chosen with a […]

HONEY, I’M HOME! & slightly DISCOMBOBULATED

HONEY, I’M HOME! & slightly DISCOMBOBULATED

Going home for the summer.

But what is home? Where am I? Whoa whoa wait. You’re telling me I don’t need a 1:10 guy to girl ratio to come in??? Wuuuuuttt????

Hmmm.

So many mixed feelings.

Free stay. Sweet. Family & pets. Extra sweet. Home-cooked meals. Hell yeah too damn sweet. 

Something about walking through those doors you know well & setting your bags & junk back into their old spots…well if we’re talking about me, I just casually shove it in my closet as I mumble that I will put this shit in its rightful place later. Later means “in the near future”, but it is often used by myself as a more optimistic way of saying “never gonna happen man”. 

Everything is the same. Yet there’s still that feeling of being a stranger.

Hmmm.

Well, summer is now partially over for us kollege kidz. & the struggle is still going on. It’s like I’ve adapted into the college lifestyle a wee bit TOO much. & here I am. Stuck. Hell yeah extra damn sweet. 

After long looonnggg looooonnnnnggg..ehhh sorta like the long kind of brief if you’re picking up what I am putting down…hours of pondering (yeah mhmm I do that sometimes), I’ve narrowed it down to 5 things that have got me going berserk:

  1. Friends. Before, all of my pals were always nearby. I mean even if I didn’t see them for a week, I knew they were still within a few miles (somewhere on/near campus). && that was definitely something I didn’t appreciate until last month when I was dying for some hootenannies, only to realize my entire contact list would have to carpool via airplane if we wanted to hang. Sweet. &&& that’s been difficult to get used to. I miss the familiar faces & smiles & middle fingers exchanged throughout the halls…*single tear drop*  “Good times, good times.”
  2. Nocturnal Nippers. It’s simple: my day starts at 7:30 a.m. (yeah I’m an early bird, please withhold judgement if possible), but my day REALLY starts at 11:07 p.m. when it’s time o’clock to see my pals. So it’s weird not being able to just stride out of my house at midnight. Now I find myself feeling awkward just asking for permission to go to Dutch Bro’s at 7:43 p.m. I mean being home requires you to ask permission to be lame. & I haven’t adapted to this one yet, that’s for sure. It still takes a second for me to comprehend why my parents give me confused expressions when I want to leave the house in the middle of the night. “This is normal mom I swear.” Sweeeeet stuff.
  3. Language. Yeah, soooo apparently the crude sentence enhancers shouldn’t be spoken every other word (insane to imagine such a life to live, I know). Never thought it’d come down to this, but these bad words have become natural. They roll off the tongue effortlessly.  Sweet habit. & now I find myself having mini heart attacks 7139824 times per day– “That is so fu- *insert intense pause* *clears throat* fudgin’ rad!” *nervous chuckle* *wipes sweat from forehead* *prays to a god that I don’t believe in* (that was a reference to the song Breakeven by The Script, so feel free to sing that last asterisk) 
  4. Cooking? Never heard of it. Must be foreign. Wait… are you telling me that food can be prepared without a microwave…that there’s higher-quality meals than that wannabe Chipotle burrito place…that coffee doesn’t come from just keurig kups???? Duuuddee that is sooo sweeeeet. This is new to me. Kinda shocking. *Turns into Guy Fieri* *Rolls away into sunset* 
  5. Motorized Vehicles. I MISSED MY BABY SOUL. *insert ginger joke* I MISSED THE POWER OF BEING ABLE TO GO ANYWHERE I DESIRE WHENEVER DESIRE. What I sure as hell didn’t miss was paying for gas. Rush hour. Sharing a car with Tori. The I-10. The semi trucks that like to play roulette when switching lanes. &&& what do you know, this summer has resulted in a traffic ticket & an empty savings account. Sweet. Now I kinda miss having to walk 30,000 steps per day..’twas refreshing for the muscles & VERY refreshing for the wallet. Cars. Children. What’s the difference???
Discombobulated is the best way to sum up the summer situation. I was hoping writing it down would help clear the brain, but I honestly just feel like I need to take a shower now. College lacked numerous hygienic necessities…hmmm…damn I really should have ranted about that one. That would have made this post way more tolerable. Hairballs & whatnot. Okay, I think this is my cue to shut up & post this..so AU REVOIR MES AMIS. Have a splendid July.

 

5 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR LOCAL BARISTA CRINGE WITH SPECIAL GUEST TORI RAE

5 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR LOCAL BARISTA CRINGE WITH SPECIAL GUEST TORI RAE

Tori takes the stage & reveals the PERFECT ways to make your local baristas suffer…& what’s more fun than being a high-maintenance customer? Am I right or am I right?

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 4

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 4

47 minutes spent sitting at my computer + sipping Colombian coffee (after my whopping 48 hour cleanse from coffee) + people watching at Elevate Coffee Company (no dogs sighted sadly) + numb legs that fell asleep because I was cross-legged on the floor (had to stay in reach of the plug) = this. See I am still pretty okay at math after not taking it for over 2 years now. Ya man.

I CAN'T HELP BUT RAVE ABOUT THAT OUTFIT OF YOURS

I CAN'T HELP BUT RAVE ABOUT THAT OUTFIT OF YOURS

‘TIS MONDAY! My article is up! &special shout out to all of you lovely people who donated your rave pictures to the “Riley Has A Crappy Camera Plz Help” foundation. Tap the link below if you want to upgrade your mediocre life to slightly-less mediocre (oooh changing things up a bit with a fancy smancy link wooooot woot) I CAN’T HELP BUT RAVE ABOUT THAT OUTFIT OF YOURS

THE MOST GOD DAMN INNOVATIVE CAKE RECIPE ON THIS PLANET & I DON'T EVEN GO TO ASU WHA WHAATT

THE MOST GOD DAMN INNOVATIVE CAKE RECIPE ON THIS PLANET & I DON'T EVEN GO TO ASU WHA WHAATT

Step up your cakin’ game. Steal my idea. I dare ya. Know who originally came up with the fidget spinner? Exactly.

Settlers/Discoverers

Settlers/Discoverers

Dig this. Always relevant.

AVOCADO TOAST, BABY FT. BETTER BUZZ COFFEE

AVOCADO TOAST, BABY FT. BETTER BUZZ COFFEE

(Hi, my name is Riley and I am traveling the nation to find YOU the world’s BEST avocado toast.

IMG_4259

My unconditional love for fruit (YES IT IS A FRUIT) and my desire to understand the universe has led to me to this new stage in my life. What can I say, I am an avocado enthusiast, expert, and proud consumer, thus I knew I had to commence this journey of enlightenment.

Furthermore, I’ve discovered that famous people get to eat STELLAR food all of the frickin’ time. && here I am having to casually grab 50000 mints (a months worth of dinner for a broke college student) whenever I go to a semi-fancy, mostly mediocre restaurant. Okay, okay, I need a chill pill.. I know. (& no this is not code for some psychedelic drug mom). Buuuttt I’m just too riled up because A V O C A D O S. Aye stop judging you judgmental readers.

I just reread this post & I honestly sound like a neurotic freak. Ha. Oopsies?

*Shrugs*

*Dignity rolls away into the sunset*

Anywho, the point of this adventure is to help you kiddos out. All of these memes on Twitter about millennials spending their retirement money on overpriced avocado toast makes me quite emotional– the truth is painful lemme tell yuh. Soooo, my goal is to find the perfect avocado toast. Like so god damn prime that your mouth melts from happiness & you suddenly becoming willing to take out a loan if it means having such an enticing meal again.

BAM

Y’all ready for this?

Bomp bomp-bomp
Bomp bomp-bomp, bomp-bomp bomp-bomp
Bomp bomp-bomp, bomp-bomp bomp-bomp
Bomp bomp-bomp, bomp-bomp bomp-bomp
Bomp bomp-bomp, bomp-bomp bomp-bomp
Bomp

Today’s Special Guest: Better Buzz Coffee- located in San Diego, CA

DAY 1- 7:03 a.m.

I can recall the basic bitch sensation that ran through my veins as I walked through the doors of Better Buzz Coffee.

“Pssshhh hell nahh, I am waaay too hipster to take a picture in front of the ‘Life’s Better Buzzed’ wall.”

So I took this insanely arty, candid, tumblr-worthy, snazzy jazzy photo instead

afdasdfaSDfd

I ordered the Killer Bee (which was quite lovely) with some…

wait for it…

wait for it……….

wait for it…………………..

AVOCADO TOAST *insert young children cheers*

Here is an outline of my observations:

  1. Very neat with an excellent, precise cut down the middle.
  2. The use of seeds (sesame, chia, & hemp WHOA MAN TRIPLE THREAT) & microgreens was definitely a smooth move by the cook.
  3. The avocado had been smashed & evenly spread with grace.
  4.  The toast was the thick french toasty kind, providing the avocado with steady support. I prefer my toast dark, so next time I would ask for it burnt.
  5. The lemon & wood board gave the presentation just the right amount of zest.unnamed (73)

Overall, it was absolutely worth the investment. Also, it is photogenic, making it a ravishing addition to your Instagram story.

Until next time,

Riley “Ri Bread” Irwin

World Class Avocado Toast Critic

 

DEAR MY 13 READERS,

DEAR MY 13 READERS,

I love you. Was that too soon? I apologize if so. But here I am. Here I am sitting cross-legged in a coffee shop, sipping my 12 oz black coffee (as you might have expected), & reflecting. ‘Tis what I do. & I am sure […]

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE. PT. 2

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE. PT. 2

You know, it makes me really sad to see so many posts about failed diet & work out attempts & the unhappiness that has come with dedicating all of one’s time to this supposed “lifestyle“. *Anderson Cooper eye roll* Anyone who knows me well, knows […]

KICKIN' OFF SAN DIEGO WITH A BANG

KICKIN' OFF SAN DIEGO WITH A BANG

Hey everyone! These last few days, you could catch my other half & I scampering around the Pacific Coast (which I initially thought stood for “Peanut Butter” shhh don’t tell anyone). & we were being somewhat reckless by not putting on much sunscreen or drinking much h2o– kids, some just never learn. Buuutttt we survived the journey, so it’s chill right? I mean there were some bumps in the road here and there (specifically on the I-10), but we made it alive with great stories to tell. That’s what truly matters. Mhmm.

It was on the way to California where the troubles went down. ‘Twas a straight descent. Not an exciting roller coaster kind of descent, but the kind where you see Ri crying in 10-minute intervals. Okay, some of you may have found enjoyment in that sight, but I’m going to pretend you don’t so I can fall asleep smiling tonight. Soooo, you curious how to start a road trip off with a bang? Here’s how:

  1. On your way out of your house, drop your FAVORITE ICONIC BEAUTIFUL INNOCENT FRAGILE sunglasses. Watch as time plays out in slow motion…the heart-shaped lens falls out… is it a metaphor…is it foreshadowing my future heart break… *single tear drop*
  2. Forget to download the playlist you made for the drive on Spotify. Make sure you are out of data first, though, if you want the full effect!!!!!! Yay!!! Now listen to the same two songs OVER & OVER & OVER & OVVEERR                                                       …&OVER.
  3. Speed up when you enter the freeway in order to get to the carpool lane. Pass that semi with grace. But make sure it is right in front of a cop so you can get pulled over for the first time ever. Frantically hand him a bunch of papers in your glove box hoping one of them is your insurance & not the car manual. Sit there with a content expression as he makes fun of your spray tan (CHEETO FINGERS). & wave a friendly bon voyage as he drives away with all of your vacation hype & dignity. **Also shout out to Tori and Erik for jinxing me. & another shout out to all of my “friends” who made jokes about this incident..too soon…just way too frickin’ soon.
  4. 18 MPG. Might I say more? The lower the better. Get down. Like downer than down. Especiiiaaalllyyy if you drive a rad car that gets around 33 MPG on an average day aka my Kia Soul.
  5. Make a blog post about it because talking about your struggles eases the pain. Sorta. Not really. If anything, I really feel some hardcore judgment coming my way. Buuttt at least I tried.

SAFE TRAVELS THIS LOVELY MEMORIAL WEEKEND. GOOD LUCK.

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE.

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE.

Becoming healthy is the most unhealthy thing I’ve ever done. Low blood pressure. Check. No diseases. Check. Normal cholesterol. Check. Low heart rate. Check. Not overweight. Check. 20/20 vision. Check. Athletic. Check. Adequate sleep. Check. Hydrated. Check. Did you eat your fruits and vegetables today? […]

WELL..UM HEY I GUESS I HAVE.. LIKE CHANGED A BIT

WELL..UM HEY I GUESS I HAVE.. LIKE CHANGED A BIT

Yes, college in fact changes us children emotionally & mentally. Some of us experience transformations- sometimes in the upward direction of maturity & sometimes in the downward direction towards our graves (foreshadowing a young, imminent death). But what about the physical aspect????? Would you like […]

ALL OF THE THINGS I AM NOT GETTING DONE, BUT AM GOING TO LIE TO MYSELF & SAY I AM- SUMMER 2017 DOG

ALL OF THE THINGS I AM NOT GETTING DONE, BUT AM GOING TO LIE TO MYSELF & SAY I AM- SUMMER 2017 DOG

Summer break is your time to relax, yet still simultaneously be productive. It’s a time when you actually have time to get stuff done, but in a casual, stress-free manner. Throughout second semester, we all find ourselves saying “This summer I will…” or “When school is out of the way I will…” or “When I’m at last free in two months I’ll finally be able to…”

hmm is that so?

yuh

ha ha ha

noo

Let me guess. You pushed all your shit to the side, saved it for this summer, made a bunch of promises to yourself… right? Little did you realize all of that shit you procrastinated which supposedly comes “second to school” (just like everything else your lazy self doesn’t feel like doing) is going to get lost in the next 3 months along with your motivation, ambition, & the hours worth of notes & information you crammed into your head this past year.

Well, today I am here to call you out.

Is it to help you? Is it to make you half smile? Maybe boost my deteriorating self-esteem? Is it because I’d rather be typing a blog post then study for the final I have to take tomorrow?

Eh, I’d say you’re on the right track. But whatever the reason, here are 5 things your wonderful, hard-working self will claim is going to get done– dude. Face it. It’s never going to leave the “idea” stage.

  1. “THIS SUMMER I AM GOING TO MAKE MONEY.” Okay, maybe you did beat the odds & get a job. Maybe even two if you really wanted to get stacked. Buuuuuttt don’t get your hopes up. This money will take a detour on it’s way to your savings account; maybe making a stop at In ‘n’ Out for some animal fries, at Urban Outfitters (to the sale section obviously), at the gas station to fill-up the tank, at AMF for $2 Tuesday, & finally to Spotify when you forget to cancel your 3 month premium discount. Before you know what hit you, your wallet will be empty. && once again, you’ll be surviving off of Costco & Sephora samples. But I’m sure your broke college student identity will ease on back without a problem.
  2. “I AM GOING TO FIX MY SLEEP SCHEDULE.” Yeah school really screwed us over on that one. Finals had us doing all-nighters (psshhh as if we weren’t already used to them because of weekend shenans,, never!!). It’s a lovely thought, getting a solid 8-10 hours of sleep from 9:30 pm to 7:30 am. Waking up with the sun rather than an alarm clock. Joyfully leaping out of bed, eager to start the day rather than slowly falling towards the floor as your entire body is choked by your sheets as if they’re trying to warn you not to slap that snooze button. I already know that you are either going to be getting 3 hours of sleep (when it actually hurts to open your crusty eyes) or 17 hours of sleep (when it still hurts to open your crusty eyes). Don’t fight me on this one. It’s straight facts.
  3. “I AM GOING TO START FLOSSING MY TEETH.” Yoooo you’ve been saying that since grade 7. What makes this summer any different?? No you ain’t. I can’t really relate to this anymore because about 5 years back I started consistently flossing (like every day not just a week before my appointments) because I’m a giggler, so the dentist could see through my lies. Hooowweevverr, I know at least 50% of you don’t, so this is me telling you that that habit of not flossing will not magically change in the next 3 months.
  4. “I WILL BE TAN.” hahahahah I can’t tell you how many time I’ve said this. Yes, I am a ginger. Yes, I still have hopes and dreams. Yes, I now have come to terms that I will always be a pale marshmallow. &&& my continuous attempts at tanning will only increase the chance of getting the skin cancer that already runs in my family. Trust me yo, every single time I walk outside without sunscreen, I feel the sweet sensation of the DNA in my cells mutating. Many of you can relate I’m sure. Let’s be real. We can’t get everything we want in life.. shoutout to genes woot woot.
  5. “I WILL GET MY LIFE TOGETHER THIS SUMMER.” We all say this, but do we even have a clue wtf we are talking about. There’s no plan behind it. None. There’s no logic. There’s nothing there. So what is this gibberish????? What does it mean to get one’s life together? Superglue?? Hot glue?? Tape???? I can’t answer that. The closest answer I have is that you will unfortunately not be getting your life together just because the temperature is a wee bit warmer.

Well kids, I hope I didn’t break your hearts too much with this sad reality, but the truth hurts. And what doesn’t kill you, can only make you stronger.

L O L funny joke Riley, funnnnnyyy stuff.

Kinda.

Sooo kick off your summer with some fun hootenannies, some beyond low expectations, & some extra watery h2o (Always stay hydrated kids. I can’t stress the importance of this enough. The average person could live without food for nearly a month, but we could only survive about one week without water. Water is required to moisten &digest food through saliva &gastric secretions, transport nutrients to & from cells via blood, discard waste in our urine, as well as dissipate heat by sweat. Abraham Lincoln said it best: “Thousands have lived without love, but no one has lived without water.”) ADIOS.

hydration yo
23 MINUTES WORTH OF MY BRAIN'S THOUGHTS (HA SO NOT MUCH)

23 MINUTES WORTH OF MY BRAIN'S THOUGHTS (HA SO NOT MUCH)

Put Riley alone in Macy’s for 23 minutes on a fine Sunday morning. &&& BUH-BAM. She randomly spits out wisdom.. or is it absolute crap..or could it possibly be her flesh-burning coffee?? Eh, I’m going to go with D) all of the above because I think at […]

RI’S KINDA DECENT TIPS FOR FINALS PREP

RI’S KINDA DECENT TIPS FOR FINALS PREP

Finals are here. & I am out. Yuh feel me? ‘Tis a rough period for most college students. I’m guessing your semester-long disillusionment is fading and you’re finally sober enough to realize your grades aren’t as superb as you last remember? Maybe you’re in a […]

THE DEHYDRATED, SLEEP DEPRIVED IR-TWINS WRECK THE ECO-FASHION SHOW FT. NO DRAMATIC FALLS ON STAGE OR WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS IN FLAG, AZ (ELEVATION 7000) & SORRY THIS TITLE IS SO ODDLY SHORT

THE DEHYDRATED, SLEEP DEPRIVED IR-TWINS WRECK THE ECO-FASHION SHOW FT. NO DRAMATIC FALLS ON STAGE OR WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS IN FLAG, AZ (ELEVATION 7000) & SORRY THIS TITLE IS SO ODDLY SHORT

Whoa whoa wait. Hold up. Riley’s not writing a blog post made up of nothing but sarcasm and bull shit?? What is this world becoming?? *confusion* *chaos* Unrecognizable.

Well, two weeks ago (the night before Phx Lights), I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to wear an outfit Tori designed, which was made completely from recycled materials. It was such an enjoyable experience even though walking up flights and flights of stairs in heels for about 12 hours made my legs a bit numb. The tingling subsided eventually, so WE ARE GOOD. Her dress is something I am struggling to describe (it was just TOO beautiful), thus I’m just going to be straight forward & keep it simple for once by just telling you what each part is made of. Easy enough, right?

 

Atlas Maps:

She not only used them for the top, but she also used the maps to create a clutch that actually works! The clutch honestly resembles one of those Etsy items that cost $50000 even though they only took like $5 to make. The clutch really came IN CLUTCH because I was sick and needed somewhere to hide my nasty tissues.

I’d like to take a moment of silence for all of you who lost brain cells reading that pun. rip.

Cutie Orange Bag:

Tori used the red net bag that holds those wonderful cutie oranges (commonly known for the life they provide during 90 minute soccer games in 110 degree weather) to make fish net. Trash can honestly come a long way. Moments as such give me hope for my future, as well.

Blank CDs:

It’s really rad to break things. Don’t even try to argue with me on this one. Esppppeecciiaalllly when they shatter. So, for the shoes, we took a bunch of blank CDs and basically murdered them. Yes, the pieces of glass sticking out from the heels can be used as a weapon. Yes, the million shards of glass now on my dorm floor puncture my feet often. Yes, on the runway I did cut myself numerous times by accidentally brushing my feet together. Yes, it was worth it.

Table Cloth:

Tori took one of those plastic table cloths we all remember demolishing at birthday parties (with cake, capri suns, & cooties) and she made a skirt out of it! It was super duper fun to wear because it was all flowyyy! & underneath she made a pencil skirt out of another table cloth (yuh know for protection from humiliation if my whole outfit were to casually shimmy its way off while on stage).

Goodwill Jeans:

& finally with an old DOPE pair of jeans from Goodwill, Tori designed a denim choker (that probably has a higher value than my life) & matching cuffs. What more can I say? She is an absolute genius. Bam. Watch out for her kids. She’s going far.

Just to sorta wrap things up (since I don’t want to disappoint my previous language arts teachers by not including a crappy conclusion), I want to say this experience was unlike anything I’ve ever participated in. It was absolutely out of our comfort zones, but Tori and I took the risk– & damn am I glad we did. Earth Day (what the fashion show was inspired by) is around the corner, but I can’t stress enough that we need to celebrate the gift of life that our planet provides us every single day, whether it’s through campaigns, eco fashion shows, unplugging your chargers, using a hydroflask, whatever. Just do it.

Oh, hey Nike! Wut izzz up yo? I did not get permission to say that, but don’t worry. I’m not famous, so umm only like hmmm maybe 7.4 out of my 13 fans are going to read that last line. Promise.

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PHOENIX EN[lights]TENMENT

PHOENIX EN[lights]TENMENT

The experience was absolutely indescribable. I can tell you that the euphoria took place Saturday and Sunday night last weekend, but that is it. Words can’t adequately explain April 8th and 9th of 2017. So why even bother trying? Anyone who has been to a […]

RI'S 7 MEDIOCRE CONCERT TIPS

RI'S 7 MEDIOCRE CONCERT TIPS

There’s nothing more euphoric than a taste of live music. Regardless of the size of the venue or the genre of music, hearing it in person is a one-of-a-kind experience. However, if we aren’t properly prepared for the obstacles that come with attending festivals and […]

WHAT'S BREWIN BOYS

WHAT'S BREWIN BOYS

Hello, my name is Riley and I am considered a regular at multiple coffee shops. Many baristas remember my order as soon as they see my face in line. Currently, I am cradling a cup of coffee in my hand. Dark roast is running through my veins. I burn the roof of my mouth every time I take another drink. There’s a lot worse things to be addicted to..right?

Okay, I’m going to start off by admitting that I am that annoying individual who has to go to the back of the line because she still hasn’t decided what to order by the time she gets to the front. But let’s be real here, it’s such a struggle when you’re in a new place, feeling ballsy, and are bombarded by a menu full of items that all sound equally divine. Yes, I sound like such a nincompoop, but I know these nincompoop life obstructions are somewhat relatable to your norm problems. Soooo, I decided to compile a list of a few of my favorite coffee shops that y’all should definitely check out. BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE.

I also included the drink that you ABSOLUTELY need to try when you go there.

  1. Macy’s European Coffeehouse- Macy’s Special- The name doesn’t lie. This drink is basically the two most essential substances on this planet (hot chocolate & coffee) combined with the utmost soul to produce an incredible drink that always includes a rad design on the top (a guaranteed instagram aesthetic)
  2. Elevate Coffee Company- Blended Dirty Chai With Almond Milk – Okay, okay, this drink is to die for. It has a higher value than my life. No joke. I can’t even put into words how it tastes because no adjectives are worthy enough. & everytime I bring friends to Elevate, I force them to order this exact drink- gutsy I know. But it’s been a success every. single. time. hell. yes.
  3. Elevate Coffee Company again– Rude Awakening- Make sure you request “no room” because you need to experience the full ride with this caffeine loaded body shaker. It’s like doing drugs minus the illegal part. Go for it kids.
  4. Dutch Bro’s Coffee- “Your Favorite Coffee Drink” “Give Me The Best Thing You Can Possibly Make”- I get more hyped about the Dutch Bro’s atmosphere than the coffee itself, so that’s why’d I’d recommend taking a shot in the dark by ordering one of the worker’s favorite drinks. Don’t get me wrong, they have delicious beverages, but if you took away the people & the music, it’d probably look like Wicked. Never heard of Wicked? Exactly. But this is the place to be open-minded & try a staff pick because if it doesn’t taste how you want it to, they won’t hesitate to fix it up.
  5. Sip Coffee and Beer Garage- Cold Brew Coffee- Sip is soooo underrated. This old car shop traded oil for coffee & alcohol & is the place to hit up at night. & it is dog friendly too..that’s how it won my heart. I’ve never tried their cold brew, but Tori, a barista & espresso expert, claims it to be “an enigmatic phenomena that cleanses the ignorant mind and sends a subliminal message of prudence.”
  6. Cultured- Matcha Green Tea Latte with Almond Milk- Oh Cultured, you left the universe all too quickly. You impacted the hearts of many, as well as provided college students a place to overdose on froyo samples. God bless & may you rest in peace. & lemme tell ya, their matcha green tea latte hit the spot. Ah, the good ol’ days. However, since they are no longer with us today (sorry unemployed Tori), I’d try the matcha at The Flagstaff Collective because rumor has it that this coffee shop “borrowed” Culture’s recipes.
  7. Gypsy Den- Banana Mocha- You dig Roosevelt Row? Admit it, you are an artsy, nonconformist hipster. Well, if you happen to be in Costa Mesa (SoCal), check out The Lab (where Gypsy Den is located). I recently found myself at this coffee shop without a clue of what to expect & damn it was love at first sight. Definitely order the banana mocha, which is basically bananas, mocha, espresso, & a bunch of other good shit blended together. It’s truly one of a kind. & quite magical.

Try these drinks. They will ease the pain of your sad, mediocre lives. 

I strongly believe that every person should go chill at a coffee shop at least once a week. It’s a great place to catch up with friends, as well as catch up on that homework we all procrastinate. It’s a great place to relax, unwind, appease, take a breather, meditate…I always seem to have epiphanies and moments of enlightenment while inhaling a smooth cup of coffee.

P.S. There will be a part 2, 3, 4, etc. of this post because as I proudly stated earlier, I, Riley Irwin am an addict.

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HOW TO PROPERLY VOYAGE FROM THE SAGUARO TO THE SAND

HOW TO PROPERLY VOYAGE FROM THE SAGUARO TO THE SAND

My favorite part about California? Awhh thanks for asking. Well, to answer that question even though no one actually cares about my answer, I’d just like to say it’s the ride there. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know that sounds so god damn weird, but I […]

HOW NOT TO BE A FAMOUS BLOGGER

HOW NOT TO BE A FAMOUS BLOGGER

I wear shades inside public places so my fans don’t recognize me.  As it says in my bio on my “About Me” page, which you probably haven’t read because I am not famous: “One of the first things I remember reading in a book on how […]

CRUSHED IT.

CRUSHED IT.

Do you ever make spontaneous decisions?

I know for a fact that you know the insane ideas I am talking about. We all have them. But the question is… do you ever follow through with them?

Well, my friends and I are crazy. Soooo we often find ourselves making split-second choices that lack rational thought about the possible future consequences. Thus, at the end of every week, we normally have a stellar, somewhat ridiculous story to tell. But it was on February 18th at 12:17 a.m. that we made one of our most nonsensical decisions yet. We decided within a span of about 13 seconds that the next day we would drive from Flagstaff to Chandler to none other but a rave. I mean pshhh what could possibly go wrong?

Ha.

February 18th 12:17 a.m.

*The Ginger Illuminati (Tori, Ri, & Nat) all exchange glances*

“Who’s down to go to Crush tomorrow”

*a triangle of smirks*

February 18th 9:34 a.m.

“Wait… are we actually buying tickers or”

February 18th 1:07 p.m.

*3 ticket purchases later*

“We need to leave by 1:30”

February 18th 2:11 p.m.

*frantically searches for car in parking garage*

*spills coffee*

*soaked in rain*

February 18th 2:34 p.m.

“Hell yes! I found the car!”

February 18th 4-ish p.m.

*shops at a Walmart located in  judgmental, white-privileged community*

*gets weird looks at our rave outfits*

February 18th 5:32 p.m.

*arrives*

*drenches each other in pink glitter*

*Riley smuggles cliff bar in pants*

February 18th 5:34 p.m.

*exits rave because not willing to throw away Nat’s cough drops or Tori’s Ginger Spice flavored chapstick*

*Riley smuggles cliff bar in rave via pants again*

As we walked in, time became an insignificant, inaccurate form of measurement.. we had entered The Twilight Zone.

*Peace, Love, Unity, Respect*

*Candy*

*Sees entire NAU including ambassadors from orientation*

*Meets Eric, Tony, & Molly*

*Becomes one with music*

*Stays hydrated* -quick shoutout to Eric for providing an endless supply of H2O

*Butt is wet, shorts are soaked from sitting in water*

*Kaleidoscope eyes*

*Jumping*

*Dancing*

*Vibing*

*Tells everyone we are triplets*

*Everyone believes us*

*Porta potty*

*Lights*

*WOOT WOOT*

February 19th After Rave- Time is still irrelevant 

*Goes to IHOP for some black coffee and french fries*

*Wears only socks because shoes are muddy and wet*

*Meets drunk lady in bathroom who reminiscences about her old rave days*

*Drunk lady gives Ri and Nat life advice*

*Drunk lady randomly sits at our table*

“Wow I love you guys!! Let’s all be friends”

*Tori “accidentally” leaves with her IHOP coffee cup.. again.*

*Nat, Tori, and Ri crash at Sam’s dorm at GCU*

“GCU- God Can’t Unsee.”

I hope you all enjoyed this play-by-play of our spontaneous decision to go to a rave. Yes, you are allowed to judge us, but I truly hope you get something from this post. I truly hope that maybe next time you have a crazy idea, that you take a risk and go for it. Because even if it doesn’t work out perfectly, it’ll make a great story to tell later. & it’s the stupid moments that will create the deepest bonds with your friends. & it’s the lame choices that form the memories you will hold closest in your heart. So, my 13 readers, today I am telling you to stop thinking so much, just go for it.

5 VERY IMPORTANT THINGS COLLEGE HAS TAUGHT ME

5 VERY IMPORTANT THINGS COLLEGE HAS TAUGHT ME

College is a learning experience. It is a zoo, a prison, & a luxurious spa vacation all compiled into one place (10 million miles long, 100 million buildings wide, & lacks any logical pattern of arrangement) for your convenience. There’s always a new face to meet, a […]

CHEAP DATE, AYE?

CHEAP DATE, AYE?

Putting together the perfect date to impress the perfect girl is probably more stressful than that time you cried in 15 minute intervals as you frantically tried to teach yourself an entire chapter of math the night before your last test.  The perfect date requires three things: […]

LET’S GET BREAKFAST

LET’S GET BREAKFAST

The chaos of college is thrilling; finally having the ability and the power to take any path without having to ask permission first is something that never gets old. We are always warned to not let the freedom get to our head, but here we are letting the freedom make our decisions, choosing not to listen to that gibberish. I mean the rush we get from getting ice cream at 2 a.m. when we have an 8 a.m. class the next morning can never be truly understood. What can I say- we are just silly. It’s something LAME we could never get away with in high school, so now it’s suddenly irresistible to try when in college. Gotta mark it off the bucket list am I right? But for real, with all these random outings to random places, far-off or near, absurdly safe or absolutely reckless, there seems to linger a feeling of emptiness. It’s on the Sunday nights that I tend to find myself missing home the most. Missing the spaghetti squash dinner we would have at the end of every week. When we’d sit around the table conversing, while simultaneously trying to get the perfect amount of spaghetti on our forks (you know just enough to fit in your mouth, but not so much you get sauce all over your face). To be honest, I’ve never been all that great at multitasking. And as exciting as it is to live life doing what you want whenever you want, it is the habitual acts that keep me grounded. It’s the habitual acts that make the most hectic, frustrating weeks stable again. It’s these moments that I continually devote time to every week that hold me accountable. My mind can’t spiral into insanity and be completely lost if I have a habitual act to bring me back to reality at the conclusion of each week. Does this make sense at all?

I’ve really come to appreciate Saturday mornings up here in Flagstaff. Regardless of the sleep deprivation, regardless of the weather, regardless of what took place and what will take place, Tori and I always make time on Saturday morning to get breakfast together at Macy’s (our favorite coffee shop downtown). When I’m struggling to get through the week, it’s always something to look forward to; it gets me through the days when I’m sitting in front of my chemistry book ready to burst into tears. It’s something that I can predict, even when life is being an unpredictable asshole. The weeks where I’m busy from sunrise to sunset, making sweet memories (most likely captured on my polaroid), I still have a breakfast to reflect on the crazy 7 days I conquered. To look back on all of the accomplishments I achieved in those 168 hours. A reminder to grasp those 10,080 minutes in my hands and promise to never let them fly away. It’s a pat on the back because those 604,800 seconds I survived told me that there’s only good things to come in the future.

I think all of us human beings need a Saturday/Sunday morning breakfast tradition. Whether it be with your mom, dad, sister, brother, friend, colleague, that person who lives across the hall– make a tradition. We all need some eggs and avocado toast to keep us in check. To remind us that the tears we shed last night over some stupid boy (or girl) are nothing compared to these beautiful chocolate chip pancakes on our plate. To remind us that the embarassing shit we did last night when we were completely wasted can be giggled away over a strong cup of coffee. To remind us that the  8 page essay we spent all night writing is making this acai bowl taste that much better. And across the table sits your droopy eyed pal, who probably needs this tradition just as much as you do. Who may need a hug or a kiss on the cheek or maybe just a nice, warm breakfast.

You down?

Don’t Say The H Word!!

Don’t Say The H Word!!

H*****y A new year brings many new goals for people, most of which will be forgotten about within a week or two. I mean life is unpredictable & time is something we all could use a little more of, so I don’t blame anyone for […]

FIVE EMBARRASSING FACTS ABOUT TORI IRWIN

FIVE EMBARRASSING FACTS ABOUT TORI IRWIN

She eats from a trough or so you would think. She talks in a British accent in her sleep. This actually happened. No joke. We were at a sleepover and let me just say, I was so incredibly grateful that everyone was necked when she […]

LOVE IS MITOSIS

LOVE IS MITOSIS

Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation. Or it could be the excessive black coffee in my veins. Or maybe it was that philosophy class I attended one time before switching out. I have no idea why I am typing this blog post. I do know that it was on a Sunday morning, my wedges clicked on the ice as I struggled to speed walk back to campus. I felt like an elderly lady as I complained about my immense bunion pain and apologized for continually whacking my bulky purse at Tori. Like I said, maybe the cold weather was starting to cloud my thoughts. Maybe I had been narcotized by the almond milk I had with breakfast. Or was it me just being weird- again?

Tori and I, just like any eighteen year old’s who are convinced they’ve seen and felt it all, had a deep conversation about love.. I mean what even is it?

love
noun
1.
an intense feeling of deep affection.
“babies fill parents with intense feelings of love”
synonyms: deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment;
2.
a person or thing that one loves.
“she was the love of his life”
synonyms: beloved, loved one, love of one’s life, dear, dearest, dear one, darling, sweetheart, sweet, angel, honey;
verb
1.
feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).
“do you love me?”
synonyms: care very much for, feel deep affection for, hold very dear, adore, think the world of, be devoted to, dote on, idolize, worship;

I am calling bullshit.

There are numerous aspects of life that I choose not to accept and this is definitely one of them. I truly believe in my heart that love is a word that can’t be defined. Love isn’t anything. It is everything.

Some people say that the word “love” is overused. That it lacks meaning when said so often. But how can it lack meaning when it is the one speaking of it that gives it meaning? Like I stated previously, love isn’t one specific thing. It’s definition is different to everyone. And the love one has for each person, place, thing, and action in their life are unique. Love is an individual. The love I feel for one person is something only I will know and I can never feel that same love for anyone else.

Love is more than romance and passion. Love is more than the person you want to go down on one knee for. Love is that person you want to lay on the floor with in fuzzy socks, laughing at the infinite possibilities both your futures hold. Love is that peanut butter and banana toast you quietly enjoyed last night for dessert. Love is that bridge you drive under everyday; the one with the breathtaking view you vow never to take a picture of. Love is the way your eyes light up when a stranger lets you pet their dog. Love is that friend you just wish had the slightest clue about how many heads they turn when they sashay around a room. Love is everything. It’s something we all feel, but leaves us unsatisfied as we try to describe it to our friends.

Sometimes love lifts people higher than the sun, providing them with a smile that even the worst news can’t break. And sometimes love knocks the wind out of people, leaving a pain in their gut that even the strongest of medications can’t ease. And sometimes love is right in between. It leaves people confused why they can feel electricity racing under their skin like the computer pinball game we all remember playing as a child. Love can be beautiful and ugly at the same time.

And love isn’t something we acquire with age; love is the umbilical cord that gives a baby the oxygen and nutrients it needs to survive. Love is the universe: the planets, the galaxies, the black holes, the darkest parts of space that we don’t know exist. Love is mitosis. Love regenerates and grows.

Tori told me the love she felt for a person was identical to the awe she experiences when her eyes discover that one piece of art in a museum. And I believe that love feels like the moment you suddenly uncover the deeper meaning of that one piece of art your eyes discover in a museum. She told me that “you fall in love with your perspective of a person– your understanding of who they are might be completely different than someone else’s. Their little details that no one else will ever see captivate you.” It is the wrinkles you try to rid with cream. The wrinkles from that big smile you wore more often than your favorite pair of shoes. The wrinkles you cringe at in the mirror that everyone else finds so beautiful about you. That is love.

Since love can’t be defined, I could describe it forever. As frustrating as it is not to know the meaning of a single word composed of only four letters, it’s okay. That’s the beauty of it. Love is mysterious. Love can’t be prepared for since we never know what to expect. Maybe that’s why people claim that there is an absence of love in our world. Maybe they just don’t know where to find it. That love is in every fracture and crevice. Love isn’t meant to be understood or mastered;

Love is.

Riley’s Cover Video

Riley’s Cover Video

Hey guys!!! Finally made a cover video after so many requests! Enjoy! The link is below!!

I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY

I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY

It was on January 23rd that I celebrated my birthday– hold up– whoa whoa whoa– but wait a minute.. “Riley’s birthday isn’t on January 23rd… it’s on May 21st.” Exactly. The story takes place this past winter break. Riley, a fashion enthusiast, seized a few good […]

It Just.. Like.. Happens.

It Just.. Like.. Happens.

Once again, Ri is writing a pointless blog post about random ass thoughts that hopefully at least make a little sense?? (Be an angel please & ignore any bad grammar or typos)

Isn’t it funny the way people can affect us without even trying? Or how people can affect us & we don’t even realize that we are being affected? It just.. like.. happens.

We encounter people- for a split second our gazes met or maybe all I had heard was your name, & suddenly I’m fascinated. Like, who is this person? && then comes the question of why do I even care? Why does this mystery stranger stand out in the crowd to me? &&& next thing you know, you see them again. You’re thinking about them again. But you know nothing about them, only that you want to know more about them. You find yourself wondering how they spend their days..& did they notice you the same? You find yourself hoping to run into them somewhere once more. But why? Why do we care so much about someone we have never met? Why do we want to know them so bad? Is the universe using gravity to pull us together? Are we supposed to cross paths eventually? Is some kind of invisible force screaming we could have a solid conversation? That maybe you’d understand the jokes I make that no one else seems to get? Honestly, who knows. I think it’s quite hilarious that complete strangers can have such a strong hold on us & simultaneously have no clue of their power. How a stranger has no idea that their presence is desired, that their presence is on someone’s mind, that their mere existence one day impacted someone. & they weren’t even trying. & yet they will never know that this has occurred.

I’ve recently had friends point out to me that they’ve caught a new light in my eyes. A light that comes about when certain people are brought up. Whether I say their names, their names are said to me, I see them, or something reminds me of them, it’s as if I suddenly glisten. Moments as such I have lacked notice of, for the lights in our own eyes are not visible to our own selves. I wouldn’t even know what so-called “light” to look for since our eyes don’t actually light up like a frickin lamp or something. Once again, I think it’s funny how someone can affect me in ways I will never notice. & when this stuff is pointed out, I am often somewhat shocked…I mean why is this person affecting me? It’s kind of embarrassing. Why must I blush &giggle like a little kid when they enter my mind? I didn’t give them permission to be there. & how do I make it stop? How do I keep the person from influencing me? & here I am all nervous, slurring words, jumbling sentences, forgetting all my greatest puns. Here I am focusing on each step I take– wait do I walk weird?? Here I am being driven insane by someone who is LITERALLY not doing anything to me. How can someone I don’t even see everyday have such a large impact on me? It just blows my mind how much other people can affect us without even realizing it. I tried to reflect on my recent decisions & it started to make me wonder.. how many of these decisions were influenced by other people & how many of those people have little significance in my life? And why did I let these people have a say in my actions (basically my future) when they hadn’t even said anything to me?

If you’re looking for a purpose in this post, I apologize. Or if you’re looking for answers to any of these questions, I honestly don’t have them. I’m just describing the shit I observe that gets me thinking. That’s kinda sorta it.

A DEEP INSIGHT ON THE STUDY OF GIRL CRUSHES

A DEEP INSIGHT ON THE STUDY OF GIRL CRUSHES

My intro can be summed up with: read on if you feel like it. Okay, admit it. We all have girl crushes. I am not talking about a random “flawless” girl you saw on Instagram who immediately makes your entire body fill with jealousy. I’m […]

The Irwins Go Indie

The Irwins Go Indie

HEY PALS! How’s it going? As winter break comes to a close for many of you kids, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc. are being filled with indie video after indie video. Well, even though “if you’ve seen one video you’ve seen them all”, you should still waste […]

THE ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE STORY OF KARMA & BEANIE’S FIRST HIKE EVER

THE ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE STORY OF KARMA & BEANIE’S FIRST HIKE EVER

 After moving to Flagstaff 6 months ago, I discovered a new dream of mine. It was inspired by the plethora of dog & owner dates I’d watch every Saturday morning through a window at Macy’s European Coffeehouse. I suddenly knew what I wanted in life. I decided in order to find happiness, I needed to adopt a dog on death row, live in a van, and solve mysteries together. But let’s be real here, with college going on, that fantasy wasn’t going to happen any time soon. So, when I came home winter break, with my broken-heart and all, I realized that I had six dogs who could temporarily fill that void- well, actually four a week later. Yeah I know, it was definitely a “Welcome Home Riley! Life Is PoopShitCrap” kind of week. Ha. Buuuutttt back to the story.. okay, so Tori and I decided to take two of our dogs, Karma and Beanie, both of which have social anxiety & extreme cases of couch potato syndrome, out for a hike. Well, here is how it went..

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Karma didn’t even make it to the car. Nice.

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Beanie beat the odds & successfully made it to the car.

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Beanie’s First Pee Break
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Beanie’s Second Pee Break
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Beanie’s 11th Pee Break
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Beanie about to take another pee break.
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Finally reached the trail head!
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17 seconds after reaching the trail head, Beanie decides it is time to go back.
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Refueling after the journey. Stay hydrated kids.

Pals, I hope you enjoyed this photo story of my naked dog. The hike may have been super duper short, but baby steps yuh know? We took many pictures because did you even go on a hike if you don’t take 530918472 pictures of yourself to post for the world to see? I mean everyone will be so amazed to know you walked a mile uphill and you wear sports bras when you exercise!! (Unfortunately, Beanie never reached the top, so we didn’t see a point in taking a sports bra pic of him flexing his limbs). Honestly, I have no idea what the purpose of this blog post is or why any of you took the time to read it, but kudos to you!! Have a great weekend!!! xo

Empty Wallet, Full Closet

Empty Wallet, Full Closet

Yes, I am passionate about a few too many things- but is it really that bad to find yourself fascinated by everything &very enthusiastic about life? I honestly don’t think so. Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that I am somewhat normal. Who knows. […]

Um Why Is That Pizza Green?

Um Why Is That Pizza Green?

Before you judge the pizza for being green, you need to try it first. I mean isn’t that the polite thing to do? I always see such creative recipes on Pinterest, so I pin them. Buuuttt rather than attempt those recipes, I end up just […]

In a Holidaze

In a Holidaze

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December 24th 5 P.M.

Christmas has officially started (regardless of what the calendar says).

December 24th 5:01 P.M.

The anticipation is here- this is when it truly begins.

December 24th 6:49 P.M.

It’s tradition at my house to open one present this evening, but “just one” always turns into “just one more please” & we tend to get carried away.

December 24th 7:07 P.M.

*Pretends there is not enough room for all the cookies to evenly bake on the pan, so I have no choice but to eat a few pieces of raw cookie dough*

December 24th 7:21 P.M.

*Drinks the World’s Finest Hot Chocolate and casually becomes drunk on holiday spirit*

December 24th 9:24 P.M.

Ends the night with Shrek the Halls because.

(I decided to cut that sentence off because who needs an explanation.. I mean it’s Shrek).

December 24th 9:24 P.M.

*Leaves carrots for the reindeer. And three mediocre-looking, maybe broken cookies (no one ending up eating) for Santa(s)*

December 24th 10:32 P.M.

I decide that I am going to bed early because I am actually 6 years old and still find myself rising before the sun does every Christmas morning.

December 24th 11:59 P.M.

I lied to myself. I am still awake. Counting down the clock. Watching 90’s cartoons. Petting my dog. Thinking deep thoughts about the universe.

December 25th 12:00 A.M.

I’d say “Merry Christmas”, but like I said, Christmas began on December 24th at 5 P.M.

December 25th 5:45 A.M.

*Checks trash can for carrots and cookies* …just to make sure

And finally, my gift to y’all are two amazing recipes that will rock your fuzzy socks off-

The World’s Finest Hot Chocolate Recipe (if it sucks blame Tori):

Ingredients:

  • 3 Scoops of Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Chips
  • Approximately 12 oz of Almond Milk
  • 1 Heaping Teaspoon of Cocoa Powder and/or Cinnamon
  • 1 Mini Candy Cane (Because it looks cute)
  • Mini Marshmallows on the top.

Steps:

  1. Duuuude if you don’t know how to make hot chocolate by now, then you are out of luck and probably need to reevaluate your life.

The World’s Finest Cookie Recipe:

Ingredients:

  • Pillsbury Holiday Cookies (The one’s with either the reindeer, Christmas trees, or snowmen printed on them)

Beeeeecause why spend time and energy on homemade cookies when these beautiful things exist? Am I right or am I right?

Steps:

1) Go to the store.

2) Buy them.

3) Eat some dough.

4) Bake. Burn a few (every house contains a person who prefers them VERY well-done).

5) Eat some cookies.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful, holly jolly, amazing, magical, fantastic, Christmas-y Christmas! And don’t forget to dress your pets in festive outfits and shake your presents when no one is watching. xo

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The Farewell Friends

The Farewell Friends

Hello everyone. I’ve been using my blog to put down a lot of my random thoughts lately, so I apologize if anyone is annoyed! But when new obstacles & challenges block my path, words tend to come easy to me. And by writing them out, […]

SMILE, YO

SMILE, YO

If you know me than you most definitely know that any well-trained doctor would diagnose me with an extreme case of the giggles. Or that I can’t keep a straight face for more than .2 seconds (the frowning Snapchat filter is the only way I can do […]

Just My Rant About Your Worth No Big Deal

Just My Rant About Your Worth No Big Deal

Hi, what’s up guys? So today I was waiting outside an office for a meeting and all of a sudden I felt the need to rant. But I had no one to rant to (unless you count the receptionist, but I didn’t want to interrupt her Facebook stalking). I know y’all find yourself in similar situations.  In a span of ten minutes I typed like a maniac in the notes on my iphone. And I decided to copy and paste them here. Tada! Yay!

I think the biggest mistake I’ve ever done is letting others determine my worth. I think it’s an issue most people struggle with. Just because a boy doesn’t text you back or your friends don’t post the picture you took together shouldn’t be interpreted as you not being good enough. I remember feeling heart broken when I found myself in a situation as such. But why? Our self-esteem shouldn’t derive from what the “popular” people think. It shouldn’t be based on how many likes your instagram photo gets. I remember I used to alter my personality when trying to impress groups of people I desired to be friends with. But even if I accomplished that, who were they even friends with? Not Riley. As I slowly transitioned into allowing my true self to show, it’s like a weight was lifted off my chest. Yes, rejection still hurts me just the same. Actually, it hurts a little bit more since I am putting my complete self out in the open now. But the relationships that have come from just being myself are friendships I know will last a lifetime. My friends love my quirky and silly attitude, which was something I was ashamed off for the longest time. They appreciate my crazy music taste and “harmonize” with me rather than judge my off-key notes. And most of all, they see my flaws as unique qualities that make me Ri. Yes it’s important to not live a life of isolation because you chose not to care about what anybody thinks. But it’s also important to be you. Wear those retro shoes you got from a thrift store, dye your hair neon blue, embrace your secret obsession with boy bands. Go for it. You’re afraid someone is going to judge you? I understand that. I was too. But guess what? I want to hear your life story. I want you to sit down with me at a coffee shop and tell me it all. I want you to talk about the good times and the bad times that made you into the incredible human being you are today. So many of us walk around embarrassed of our past. Regretful of our mistakes. But why? I’ve done some stupid shit. I’ve let my emotions get the best of me before. Recalling certain memories hurts me in ways I can ever explain. But these accidents are what made the happier times feel so amazing. Without the lows how can we ever expect to enjoy the highs? Well, I want you to give me a playlist of your ten favorite songs. I want to know about you. So you can’t use the excuse now that people won’t like you or people don’t want to know the true you. Because I do. There’s nothing more magical to me than to see someone’s eyes light up as they explain their passions. Or the small wrinkles people get around their mouth when they half smile while talking about their dreams. These are the things I appreciate. These are the moments that determine your worth. The giggles, the tears, the sweat, that is you. That is what matters. Not some stupid subtweet or bitchy remark from another person. Don’t ever forget that. Promise me you won’t?

Ri’s Christmas Challenge

Ri’s Christmas Challenge

Okay so yes Christmas is about a lot of things- love, appreciation, family, cookies… But lets face it. We can’t act like Christmas has nothing to do with presents (as much as our grateful selves try to convince everyone). Presents are one of my favorite […]

ED & Me

ED & Me

People are obsessed with food. We talk about food, we bond over food, we take pictures of food and post them for the world to see, we read about food, we wear food, we personalize our food, we fight over food beliefs. But what if […]

HYDRO HOOPLA

HYDRO HOOPLA

In order to complete the transition from high school wannabe to kool kollege kid, every individual must make a purchase that is normally between $25 and $40 (no, this is not including the cost of tuition). This purchase is how one can finally feel like a true member of young adulthood. It is college culture. It is the… hydroflask.

*insert “whoas” and “wows” and interested readers*
1) Temperature can make or break a drink. Hot coffee should not be cold. Cold coffee should not be hot. Put your coffee in a hydroflask and suddenly you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Your coffee will always be juuuuussttt rriigghhhtt. Hashtag serious business.

2)  H2O is good for you. I swear being dehydrated is the worst feeling ever! I automatically become a tired, grouchy, giant pimple when I am parched. So if I’m carrying around a hydroflask, I’ve always got some water ready to go.  And that is beautiful.

3) I LOVE MY PLANET and you should too. An easy way to help the environment is to use a reusable bottle *cough* hydroflask *cough* instead of plastic ones for your beverages! So now all you people who deeply desire an eco-friendly world are actually getting off your asses and doing something to preserve the environment!!! Yay!! And when you’re in college and have a tiny trashcan, it is extremely important to avoid a full trashcan. It’s such a struggle to walk 15 feet outside to the dumpster. So less plastic= less trash! Less full trash cans= less walking! Yay for laziness! and yay for the Earth!!

4) Hey you actually have something to put your stickers on!

5) Discounts!!! As you 13 readers of mine should know by now, money is a substance my wallet lacks. The investment in a hydroflask is worth it because you will get your money back. How? I already told you (first word if you forgot)…DISCOUNTS! A lot of places give discounts to people who bring their own cup! Hell yeah!!!