documentation of my neuroses, eccentricities, imperfections, lame puns & other rad bullshit

Some Recent Stuff

RI’S CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE IS BACK

RI’S CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE IS BACK

Wreck this challenge kiddos. It is SNOW much fun.

FUCK IT.

FUCK IT.

I did what any smart girl would do: 1) cry on the toilet 2) take a bad ass selfie 3) leave all that shit where it belongs– in the public restroom & FUCK IT.

RILEY’S IPHONE NOTES–IT’S 12:13 A.M.

RILEY’S IPHONE NOTES–IT’S 12:13 A.M.

It was 12:13 A.M. in The Grand.

Sitting at a table for two.

Tired yet alive.

& it is when we are the deadest that we are also the most inspired, when we function the best.

So I pulled out my phone & opened up my notes & typed my raw thoughts & embraced the bad grammar & could not make any sense of these scattered ideas.

It’s all about potential energy.

I hope you just had a flashback to your fifteen year old self nodding off in the chemistry class you somehow managed an A- in.
But back to this potential stuff.
It’s crazy to think how the “potential” of something to take place can overcome a person, how it can consume your mind & up-charge you for the free will you thought was free…well you initially thought right since that shit is free, but then…yeah. You met someone. The potential was there. The energy was too powerful. & BAM. Free will now is going to require you to take out a loan. (no, Monopoly money & Kohl’s Cash are not accepted)
At first, potential is thrilling. It’s enchanting. It’s psychotic. It’s captivating. It leaves your eyes dilated & your arms covered in goose bumps.
There’s nothing more amusing than taking that potential energy, grasping it with your brain, & releasing it into your imagination.
This is a form of love, one of it’s early stages in development. It’s when the baby takes it’s first steps & must seek support in the closest object. Yes, the baby stumbled, but the huge smile resting upon it’s face is the beginning of something brilliant– potential. One day this love & passion will walk with grace all by itself–
& that’s a truly beautiful sight to witness.

But as time passes, the potential energy will take its toll. It burdens your heart. It weighs you down. It keeps you awake at night, staring at the blank ceiling, asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me?”
It’s the reason why your white pillow now has damp black streaks & it’s the reason swollen eyes stare back at you in the mirror every morning.
It’s the reason you overanalyze your physical appearance. The reason you changed your outfit 7 1/2 times today. The reason you now walk awkwardly in an attempt to no longer walk awkwardly. The reason you are literally making yourself fall apart in order to keep this potential energy safely contained& properly handled.
& last but not least, you are unable to throw away that potential energy into the “corrosive waste bucket” because it was merely potential & never became a polaroid you could add to your photo album or a goofy joke you could spit out later..
just like that–
it’s gone.
One morning you wake up, maybe after a drunk night when you stumbled down the streets & attempted to hide your despair from the uber driver (who definitely picked up on your broken voice that choked on air every time you spoke) & tried to warm your frail body up with a nice hot bath…
because you had lost the ability to feel with your fingers, your toes, your limbs, your bones…
yet your soul still felt the coldness of rejection & the slap on your pride for being SO FUCKING STUPID. For thinking that there was something when there wasn’t. For letting the potential of something blind you from the fact that maybe you were never very good at chemistry to begin with. It’s a rough realization & maybe it takes you passing out in a bath tub (&then waking up in room temperature water with a runny nose & a mouth that tastes of light rum) to finally understand this.

This is the part when you reach your low.
Feel a bit embarrassed.
Kinda weak.
Like a hopeless romantic.
When you decide to take the long way home so you have enough time to scream out lyrics you once proclaimed as “basic af”.
This is the part when you read the periodic table of elements & come to the conclusion that one can not read the periodic table of elements without first shutting off your dignity & icing yourself 16 times in a row.
This is the part when you decide that enough is enough
& that you deserve more than the potential-
the energy has to be kinetic–
or you must do the moving out of there yourself.

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 6

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 6

If you haven’t played Monopoly before, then you probably aren’t going to get my references.

12:07 A.M.

12:07 A.M.

I woke up to the nudging of words that wanted to be recognized..

HOW TO GET YOUR CRUSH TO TOLERATE YOU

HOW TO GET YOUR CRUSH TO TOLERATE YOU

People suck.

I love people.

Yet I hate them at the same time for being so damn swell because before I know it, I catch the feels ..

& then BAM.

They break your heart.

& it’s by LITERALLY doing NOTHING.

Like no relationship ever existed, so there wasn’t a rom-com movie fallout where you desperately fall onto your knees in the middle of the street as the rain drenches you..

yet it still feels as if that very scene took place.

You still feel that grosssssss pain in your chest.

Or maybe it was actually heartburn from the salsa you had earlier..but my point stands.

Crushes suck. One day they are super duper thrilling & hilarious, & then the next day you find yourself gloomy & frustrated because you’re traveling in a circle.

Well, I’m probably the worst individual to take romantic advice from because I’m professionally trained in the field of being dropped, but ayyeee just trust me kiddos. What could possibly go wrong (other than everything)??

HOW TO WIN OVER THE HEART OF YOUR CRUSH:

  1. Memorize their schedule. Choose to take similar routes to class that they take. But don’t make it too obvious. Just stride on passed them, giving a quick glance, casual smile & nod of the head. & then GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE. Disappear off into the distance all mysteriously. So basically be a low key stalker & then run away like you’re a five year old who got caught snooping your Christmas presents. WORKS EVERY SINGLE TIME.
  2. Drink golden beet juice twice a day because it simulates your pheromones through a cellular process referred to as “the pheremonial cycle”, named after Swiss chemist Johnathon D. Pherimondalleon who discovered it virtually accidentally in 1957..brilliant I know. See, there are perks to being a biology major. I learn the tricks of the trade woot woot.***
  3. Whenever you are around your crush, be sure to mumble you gotta git schwifty…shit on the floor…This is absolute magic when it comes to the art of seduction.. I‘m Mr. Bulldops.. Like what human can resist that?? Not a human I’d want to associate myself with. So, not only does this make your crush fall in love with you, but if they don’t, then you know they are a fake fan & it’s time to get the hell outta there. Take off your pants & panties… shit on the floor..
  4. Wear your college ID tag around your neck. Yes, now you look like a freshman kiddo. SO EMBARRASSING AH. Wear a shirt that says “Fries Before Guys”. Annnddd, change your Facebook status to “It’s complicated ^-^”. Basically become your 2008 self because who doesn’t just adore a classy individual??????????????
  5. Lastly, take your daily vitamins, specifically the gummy ones that are shaped like bears. They are dank. Ha. & that has nothing to do with your crush, but just thought I’d share that with you all. Anything animal-shaped, like those dinosaur nuggets they sell at Costco are RAAAAADDD. They always provide an extra OOMPH to your days..if it’s a super duper day, maybe even a UNTZ UNTZ UNTTTZZZ.

In the end, I hope I opened your mind a bit with these incredible tips. Doctor approved.

***Furthermore, I completely made up the part about golden beet juice. Oops.

Don’t hate me.

Please?

SOAKED & SUCH

SOAKED & SUCH

Well, kids. Hello. Hey. Hi. Here’s some thoughts of mine regarding walking. It took a lot of thinking if you can’t tell by my featured image, which is me sitting on a stool, sipping a blueberry milkshake, deep in thought (& possibly staring at a cute dog-o).

GOING GLOBAL

GOING GLOBAL

Are you a neck banger like me? Do you wake up & cry every morning because you whipped a bit too hard the previous night? I’ve got a training plan for you. Aye.

ROCKS FOR US ROCK BOTTOM FOOLS

ROCKS FOR US ROCK BOTTOM FOOLS

I’m not really sure what this post has become. It’s kinda discombobulated. Kinda a big mess. Kinda cluttered. But I’m pretty confused with everything, so I guess you’ll get a chance to see things from my befuddled perspective. Good luck to my 13 readers.

I’ve reached the point in my existence where I’ve found myself with no destination in particular & no person left to turn to–

that sounded quite depressing, but lemme tell yuh. I’m soooo not about to kill your mood. I’m currently drinking a triple shot house coffee, so if anything, IT BOUT TO GET WILD.

Okay, anywho, on multiple occasions I have hit what appears to be rock bottom.

& as most of you know *insert cringe* I have a very weak spot for puns…

Soooo

in honor of this all-time low rock bottom state of being, I’ve rested my fate in the rocks themselves.

{{Side note: I just spilled a shit ton of steamed almond milk while attempting to pour it on my granola & I am getting the “god damn millennials” stare down from all of these old folks at Macy’s. Maybe they know I’m one of them kiddos who is willing to spend their retirement fund on avocado toast.}}

Hello, my name is Riley and you can catch me carrying around some dank stones in my handy dandy pockets like your average “this-many” years old *holds up hand raising 4 four- or is it five- fingers*

READY FOR SOME HIGH-KEY JUDGEMENT????

Okay, I confess. I’ve had my heart broken..no not broken.. more like completely annihilated. I swear my heart spontaneously combusted at least 17.613 times these last few months.

&what doesn’t kill you, can only make you stronger, right?

BULLSHIT.

I was convinced I was cursed. Karma? Bad juju? “Or maybe you’re just ugly” *insert Spongebob meme*

Now, I constantly carry around the stone of “Unconditional Love”. I’m actually wearing it around my neck at this very moment.

Why? Instead of attempting to explain, click this link if you care enough to waste your time reading about it.

Here’s a shout out to all of you boys who randomly dropped me.. I mean yo we don’t have to be in one of those spooky, serious relationships built on snapchat streaks &subtweets.. I just thought you were kinda funny & chill & would make a swell friendo.

Here’s another shout out to the mean girls. The girls that have made me cry. The girls that stole everything: my tenderness and healing, my nourishment and comfort, my compassion and peace. The girls that often left me questioning my self-worth every time I came face-to-face with my reflection. You are Earth’s finest creations.

& here’s one last shout out to the dog-os of Flagstaff. Tangent? Yes. Ha. But I love dogs so much. Yeeee.

It’s difficult to establish anything meaningful when we allow ourselves to be filled with doubt. As I said before, I’ve recently stumbled upon some rough patches– it’s been daunting. I think it’s easy to lose sight of the sun when we stop looking for it, choosing to face the ground rather than the limitless sky. I’ve put myself in a spiritless atmosphere. I’d like to thank the overcoming binds of fear for that. I mean it sucks. It absolutely sucks to lose people you care about. How it goes down is irrelevant because the burning sting of rejection hurts the same in every situation. BRB gotta go get caught up in the cycle of “what’s wrong with me” & “why am I not good enough”.

To protect myself, I removed the essential trust that gives relationships their durability. But it seemed necessary..if you don’t expect anyone to stay, then what is there to lose?

Let me answer that for you.

Everything. Substance. Happiness.

For a bit of time, I lived precariously. I can’t stress enough the scars we gain from heart break. Yes, those certain shitty songs played over& over on the radio make us more annoyed by this claim than ever, but that doesn’t make it not true. It’s terrifying to open up to others who might just disappear into the sunset the next day. (&I’m not talking about my favorite &classic roll away into the sunset, but instead the see ya later alligator that results in your tireless self leaving your phone volume on high, waiting for a single ring that you’ll probably never hear).

Deprivation. That’s what that is. We deprive ourselves of our inherent aptitude- to bond. & here I am with the firm belief that I repel people. That the humans that I see the brightest lights in their eyes only see blackness in mine. That the blinking vacancy sign on cheap motels is always going to be hanging on my decrepit heart. That’s the problem. We give up on ourselves. Yes, there are a few bad apples we are going to encounter, who are going to temporarily set us back, but I’ve learned that the worst mistake we can do is let these junctures define who we are.

Before you realize it, you’ll put yourself on an island & how can we expect anyone to rescue us if they don’t know we’ve gone missing?

But for real, I’ve been carrying rose quartz around as my second heart. As my constant reminder that maybe some crappy people have left me standing in the cold, but the universe is more than those buttheads who just don’t understand (well hmm well um yeah somewhat debatable here in Flag. I’m always cold here. I blame Rita Cheng).

My MANY pieces of rose quartz have led me to a few thoughts:

  1. Maybe there’s not an absence of love in the world.
  2. Maybe it’s not that people are vile creatures who take & take & take.
  3. Maybe it’s that unconditional love can’t find a person who doesn’t unconditionally love themselves.
  4. Maybe we should start giving without the expectation of receiving anything in return.
  5. Maybe rose quartz isn’t going to solve all of my petty problems with its oh-so powerful energies.
  6. It’s my job. It’s not a matter of collecting love from others. There’s no point in waiting around for someone to sweep you off your feet, embrace you in a hug, & remind you that it’s going to get better. Love is always available inside of you& it’s your choice of whether to use it or not.

& it’s okay if this mission starts with carrying around a crystal. It’s a mental reminder. It is love my eyes can verify. It’s something I can grasp between my fingers.. Like a tool. Whoa whoa wait. Not just any average Bob the Builder tool… it’s MY bad ass, psychedelic mf rock tool.

If you are procrastinating homework or really dig rocks, continue reading.

Here’s the tale of how rose quartz and I first met. Unfortunately, it wasn’t via Tinder superlike or at one of those iconic frat parties (where everyone has such GREAT personalities)…

About 10 ish months ago, I remember that pit in my stomach (no not like an avocado pit hahaha that would’ve been stellar!!!). But a pit that reminds you of being punched in the gut… that forces you into the dreaded nausea & light-headedness. I had never experienced loneliness in such a sudden fashion. There were always people around me, yet the connection went missing, the comfort had run off, the memories were devoid.. I was empty.

& then one day, while exploring Sedona, I laid eyes on a stone.

It was pink. I never was a huge fan of pink. This one summoned me to hold it.

It was sooooo tiny, nearly microscopic. Smaller than the nail on my pinky.

& ’twas a piece of Rose Quartz. 

I thought it was pretty & it emitted an obscure energy.

God damn I sound like one of those Flagstaffians.  SMH.

& maybe it wasn’t rose quartz. Maybe it was time that naturally healed my wounds, maybe the pain was just part of the process of heart break, but regardless, my story made a complete (most likely illegal) U-turn. I was saved. I used to give credit to the power of the crystal.. but truly it was some extraordinary human beings-

& I doubt these significant people have any idea that they brought me out of my grief.

That was my mediocre (because you all are worth waaayy more than my lame vocabulary) shout out to those exquisite souls who retaught me how to smile.

Next time I pass you in the streets, you might be gifted a “hello” & a crystal.

 

SHE’S A REG

SHE’S A REG

The wise words of a regular… might be a waste of your time, but hey, they might alter your perception forever. Never know.

LUMBERJACKS OR SHOULD I SAY…LUMBERWHACKS

LUMBERJACKS OR SHOULD I SAY…LUMBERWHACKS

Heading up north? It can be scary, but don’t you worry. You’re talking to an expert on all things Lumberjack.

OPEN YO MIND OR YOU BE BLIND (HA RHYMES *CRINGE* HA)

OPEN YO MIND OR YOU BE BLIND (HA RHYMES *CRINGE* HA)

That single moment-

the lighting is different

the angle is unusual

you find yourself with a new perspective.

This was completely, one hundred frickin’ percent, your choice. You chose to open your mind to all of the potentials, possibilities, & outlooks..familiar & unfamiliar situations… foreign & uncomfortable ideas… clear& confusing concepts.

& that choice you made may have altered how you perceive existence

or maybe it did nothing at all.

Whatever the case, you did your duty as a human being.

Are you open-minded?

We all want to answer this with a “duhhhh”, but take a second, & really ask yourself:

AM I ACTUALLY OPEN-MINDED?

and

AM I AS OPEN-MINDED AS I WANT TO BE?

annnnnddd

UR MOM

Sorry yo. That last one wasn’t a question. I am an immature child, please forgive. ha. *nervous chuckle*

Regardless if you answered “yes” or “no” or “maybe” or “I don’t know” or “only every other Tuesday” or you didn’t answer any of the questions because you have the right to remain silent. & if you did say anything, what you said could be used against you in a court of law, I want you to keep reading aka SUFFERING.

Today *clears throat* I’d like to present a few things you can do to acquire, as well as maintain a third eye (no surgery or body mutilation required WHOA WHAT A DEAL!)

  1. Listen to every style of music. I firmly believe that you can learn a lot about who someone is as a person by asking what types of music they like. If they are stuck in one genre… on a single artist…. shaking my head (no no nooo, not head banging yay stuff, but the slow shaking of disapproval). Even if you don’t “appreciate” Wu-Tang Clan, David Bowie, Flosstradamus, Edith Piaf, Keith Urban, Duke Ellington, Hollywood Undead, Hannah Montana, Lorde, Glass Animals, WHOEVER, your willingness to check out a song by Arctic Monkeys even though you absolutely can’t stand high-quality music is a wholesome attribute to have. Unless it’s Luke Bryan..I mean I ask you to do crazy shit, but I wouldn’t want you to completely torture yourself my friendos (ahh please don’t be offended or egg my house Country Thunder dingalings!!!) 
  2. Watch AND (hence the “and” in all caps. I am serious because I didn’t use my usual “&”) enjoy adult cartoons. If you don’t “get” or “understand” the humor& genius presented by Homer Simpson, then you don’t know much about society or current events. If you have any idea what’s going on around the globe, than your mind would require you to watch these television hootenannies as a form of therapy..as a way to laugh at the cold & bitter & heart-wrenching truth. If you fail to comprehend the references than clearly you need to catch up with everybody else. To be open-minded is to allow Mr. Poopybutthole, Gene Belcher, Kenny McCormick, Sterling Archer, etc. into your household. It’s to allow Brian Griffin, a talking dog, to teach you a thing or two about a thing or two (no, that is not a typo).
  3. Time to legit open your mind. Scalpel. Thanks Deb. WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOOOAA WAIT…you heard me say no body mutilation required? Stop rereading. You did in fact hear me correctly.

Yes, I was lying. Yes, lying is okay. Wake up yo it’s been TWO KAY SEVENTEEN since January frickin’ first. That kinda no-good shit is what everyone *cough* politics politics politics polidicks *cough* do. Embrace it.

As of the body mutilation, I will just be gently stabbing your brain with a medical utensil that I’m sure holds some sort of medical significance– repeatedly. This will continue until you finally perceive the world without a closed-mind or my arm cramps up (is it sad that the likelihood of me getting a charlie horse before you stop thinking like a narrow bishhhh anymore is much higher????). Don’t worry, though. This is not surgery, ’tis simply a procedure (as the BEST doctors choose to call it).

4.  Have a conversation with a complete stranger. Walk into it with no expectations. No assumptions. No preconceived notions. &&&& l i s t e n. Use only your ears. Don’t clog the words of another with your gibberish. Your gibberish is snug as a bug in a rug in your head 24/7. But this stranger’s experiences, outlooks, visions, & ideologies can only emerge if you provide them the chance to. Maybe their perception of the sky is absolutely bonkers & maybe you’ll feel a wee bit confused when they mention how they’ve found a way to reach it’s blue depths. However, if you interrupt, you (unknowingly) might never bond over your similar infatuation with half-baked cookie dough ice cream… what a shabby way to live.

5. Last but not least, to officially be an open-minded individual, you must provide me with a few minor details which includes your social security number, your day of birth, your mother’s maiden name, the name of your first pet, your credit card number, & anything else that holds a value to who you are as a person. Just shoot me an email: 98rileyshae@gmail.com & I’ll take it from there. I gotchu. Smooootthhhhh, right? Yup, mhmmm, yeah I’d say I’m pretty damn smooth…that’s how I get all of the boys……………………………………………..I did mention earlier that lying is okay……sooooo……..when I said “boys”, I might have meant “men”……….okay……….you caught me..again……….when I said “men”, I really meant “meningitis” *rolls away into sunset*

Ugh, not really sure the appropriate way to close this post other than with an apology. I am sorry if you wasted a few minutes reading that & were not enlightened or didn’t half smile or chuckle the word “same”. Also, I apologize if your reading was inhibited by &/or negatively affected by my numbers not being in a straight line, but I legit spent 7 years trying to fix it with no prevail (that’s like 49 years of your dog’s life so that’s a hell of a long time). All in all, I hope you are able to replenish in a bath tub of joy & your own filth somewhere else. God bless. Thank you. & have a good night. Signing off. *points at crowd* *smiles with teeth*

DAAAMN THAT PASSION LOOKS SO GOOD ON YOU

DAAAMN THAT PASSION LOOKS SO GOOD ON YOU

“YOUR PASSION! OMG! WHERE’D YOU GET IT? I WANT ONE IN PINK!”

NOCTURNAL NONSENSE

NOCTURNAL NONSENSE

I’m in a coffee shop. Black & no room. There I typed away for 36 minutes. & I’m sure you can figure out what sort of blog post came from another one of my sporadic ((aka unorganized& discombobulated)) revelations….

LEMME HELP YUH SPICE UP THAT MILD LIFE OF YOURS

LEMME HELP YUH SPICE UP THAT MILD LIFE OF YOURS

I am using the above picture because the wrap I am holding in that polaroid was cr-AYE-zy spicy!! Bless complimentary cups of H2O.
Hi & welcome to a mild morning!

*alarm goes off*

*wakes up*

*gets up aka falls out of bed but miraculously survives*

*drinks up* (coffee or alcohol depending on where you are at in life)

*morning dumps* (whether you enjoyed it also depends on where you are at in life)

*eats*

*deep sighs in 10 minute intervals*

*attempts to put self together*

*walks out door* (or crawls depending on where you are at in life)

*realizes that self is not together*

*nearby stranger’s phone rings

the tone is the sound of your alarm….

*falls to ground because TRIGGERED YO*

*insert Squidward “future” meme*

*time reads 7:32 A.M.*

Should I leave it at that? I think you probably get my point.

Life can be a bland ol’ rice cake sometimes. Am I right or am I right? & I became done with that non-shindig (yes, ’tis a word I invented..surprise, surprise) type of living. & today, I’m going to pretend to be an expert on all things spicy/mom lifestyle blogger who prefers to breathe aesthetic over oxygen to help amp up your day! It will work I think. Maybe. No guarantees.

Most likely not. Ha.

Let’s turn the ‘M’ in MILD upside down & make it a ‘W’ for WILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can’t believe I said that. Hopefully it didn’t detour all 13 of my readers..

(out of curiosity, did you pronounce that as “dee-tour” or as “dee-ter”??)

Here are a few INCREDIBLE tips to aid you in this journey:

  1. What better way to spice life up than to jam to Spice Girls? Turn up “Wannabe” (because everyone knows the lyrics to this one) in your car until it blows out your speakers. & keep turning it up until it blows up your car. Damn that just went from spicy to spicy AND hot.
  2. Invest in a spice rack. Now you can make those dinosaur nuggets from Costco extra gourmet by adding some herbs. OOOOHHH HASHTAG TUMBLR!!! Add some thyme to your Eggo chocolate chip waffles! Throw some basil on your favorite cereal & almond milk! Toss some paprika on your paprika!!!! ‘Tis a game changer lemme tell yuh.
  3. Switch out your shampoo for hot sauce. You know what? Be a doll & fill every shampoo bottle in the house with hot sauce. That’s how you earn some brownie points with mom & dad…& casually one up your siblings. The best part is that the red coloring of the sauce totally looks like blood, so now is the perfect opportunity to wash your hair & play Law & Order at the SAME EXACT TIME. Just don’t forget to turn up the theme song (you’ve def heard it..it goes duh duhh duh duh duh duh duuuh duuuuhhhh) & find someone on Tinder who gives off the classic Jack McCoy vibe to represent you in court.
  4. Instead of cursing you out-of-control adolescents you, start using the word “spice” as your new, clean sentence enhancer. “What the actual spice.” “Spice you.” “God spice it.” “You jackspice.” “Spice the spiced spice spice spiiicccee.”  Initially, you might perceive this specific tip as insane, but try it out. In a 4-5 years, you’ll thank me when it still makes you sound absolutely insane. “Spice you, Riley.”
  5. Last but not least, drop out of school to pursue MY dream of becoming a professional DJ. Then I can live through you minus the consequences that I’d have if I, myself, ditched NAU. (I have some semi-stellar song ideas I need to put on the market before someone else does first.) This whole college student turned party hardy DJ will spice your life up sorta. & you’d get a pretty cool name, too. So why not? *insert peer pressure*

Well, I guarantee if you take this advice to heart, your life will be slightly better. Furthermore, by reading this sentence, you are agreeing that I can not be held liable for any injuries, deaths, or spice-related incidents regarding these tips. Gotcha.

 

 

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 5

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 5

Us athletes are extraordinary creatures. We are insane. We are passionate. We are mentally & physically strong. Yet here we find ourselves vulnerable to the limitless horizons.

LIPSTICK & LUNGES

LIPSTICK & LUNGES

YOU have been selected to receive two free passes on a totally legitimate cruise! This is not a scam. I repeat, this is NOT A SCAM! Click the link below to receive a special email with your special tickets because you were chosen with a million other special people! I am going to need your social security number, your mother’s maiden name, & your credit card number– no big dealio, am I right. But WAIT there’s more!!! This link is also the link to a blog post I wrote & I would love love loooovveee if you checked it out!! & hopefully you caught on to my joke & aren’t actually blocking me right now!!!!! Let’s all join hands, sing Kumbaya & understand my lame sense of humor together. Please.

HONEY, I’M HOME! & slightly DISCOMBOBULATED

HONEY, I’M HOME! & slightly DISCOMBOBULATED

Home from school. But what is home? Where am I? Whoa whoa wait. You’re telling me I don’t need a 1:10 guy to girl ratio to come in??? Wuuuuuttt????

5 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR LOCAL BARISTA CRINGE WITH SPECIAL GUEST TORI RAE

5 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR LOCAL BARISTA CRINGE WITH SPECIAL GUEST TORI RAE

Tori takes the stage & reveals the PERFECT ways to make your local baristas suffer…& what’s more fun than being a high-maintenance customer? Am I right or am I right?

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 4

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 4

You have been diagnosed with perfectionism.

Oh, perfectionism.

Such a terrible burden on you.

Your symptoms are of the upmost praise. I am sure you were not expecting to hear that. Ambition? That will get you anywhere you desire to go. Perseverance? I admire your drive to push on even when you are handed every reason not to. You show signs of enthusiasm. Inspiration. High engagement. Determination. Productivity. Keenness. Everything that leads to a successful person, a successful career, a successful life. You are an outstanding individual if I might add. So many people in this world will never reach the heights that you will. Their eyes will never see the breathtaking views bestowed by your achievement. You are quite a lucky one. Born with this passion. Born with this fervor. No, actually with this zeal. You have a light in you that others spend all of their hours& days & weeks trying to capture. It is a light that lines your gyri & sulci, making a runway in your brain, allowing new ideas to take off & land effortlessly. Hold on to these sparks. Learn how to use them for the better. It is essential for you to be aware of their weight, their impact. Please, please promise me you will be careful.

But on another note, you are in danger. Some of your most prestige qualities are what will lead you to a rough downfall. It sucks. The traits that give you that signature glow (the majority of people lack) can also lead to the dimmest form of living. Together, they can morph into an extremely addictive substance often referred to as “perfectionism”. It is known for the poison it releases onto the greatest of us. Even after the perfectionism has been addressed & fought off, it simply remains dormant, sort of like a virus. It is not alive, thus it can not be killed. Only controlled. Temporarily put out of business. Perfectionism is not real. Perfectionism has no ending; it is ceaseless. Perfectionism is not defined, but rather it is a place marker for the more. We can always do more. There is always more to our existence. So where do we stop? Where do we cross the finish line & accept that the race is over? How do we know enough is enough when our passion, our determination, our enthusiasm, etc. are screaming on the sideline to keep going? Perfectionism takes hold of reality the same way excessive drinking on a Friday night does. It causes you to lose your sense of proportion, suddenly creating the illusion of invincibility. One more shot. No, just one more shot. A bit more. One more can not possibly do harm…

& VOILA

You have “awoken” from the blackness, only to find yourself having done immense damage to your body. Stomach pump & hospital bills & feelings of being not so “invincible”.

…left wishing you had not lost your consciousness. Regretful.

This is what perfectionism does to a person. This is exactly why you need to be careful. It’s destroyed the best of us. It has put a halt on our dreams that we spent every ounce of our breath on. & for the less fortunate of the bunch, it has completely annihilated our dreams. Permanently out of our grasp now.  Nothing is more difficult than having to sit back & reflect on what could have been. What could have been achieved if perfectionism had not blindfolded us from the truth-

that we were enough, we did enough… but it failed to inform us that enough IS enough.

Perfectionism is definitely one the roots to the bitter wrath of “health” (ugh the h-word causes me to cringe more harsh than the moment I found out an emoji movie was in the makes & last week when anchovies were accidentally put on my pizza COM-FRICKIN-BINED). I will leave ya hanging here.. because if I have not yet secured your attention this far in, then I am probably not going to get it later. This is your opportunity to never read my blog again, have a stretch break, or let these words peacefully settle until next time.

I would dig if you read that last sentence with suspense. Or if you pretend it made you eager for part 5!!

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THE MOST GOD DAMN INNOVATIVE CAKE RECIPE ON THIS PLANET & I DON'T EVEN GO TO ASU WHA WHAATT

THE MOST GOD DAMN INNOVATIVE CAKE RECIPE ON THIS PLANET & I DON'T EVEN GO TO ASU WHA WHAATT

Step up your cakin’ game. Steal my idea. I dare ya. Know who originally came up with the fidget spinner? Exactly.

MY ROOM IS A MESS *MENTAL CRASH*

MY ROOM IS A MESS *MENTAL CRASH*

I’ve found that one of the easiest ways to check your current position in life is to look at your bedroom. ‘Tis a metaphor of thy mental state! If my room is a mess, clothes & random crap making it like an obstacle course, then my brain is usual the same way.. tangled & disoriented. When my room is well put together,  sooo “on point”, matching the Instagram aesthetic, Pinterest-worthy, lets off that one perfect sparkle like when something is clean in cartoons… all symptoms that my head is calm & collected. Not a madhouse similar to that one Spongebob episode where his brain is on fire & the mini hims are in a frenzy, running in circles, burning documents & such.

& it is at these moments of great insanity that we for some reason feel like we have to match it. One up the crazy with our own shenanigans. When everything around us is spiraling out-of-control, we decide to join the confusion, whether it be by making sporadic decisions or by temporarily unleashing our neurotic side. It seems to me that this happens beyond our knowledge & 3 months later we look back & are left muttering “oh shit”  when we realize that we had been a wee bit too wild.

I’m guilty. Hell yeah kids. I’m not even going to try to pretend otherwise. Personally, I think it’s funny.  I mean for example, I had really wanted a second tattoo, but just needed the extra push to ink myself again. & what do you know, GOT IT! *raises the roof* Cringing right now as I type this, but yes, yes, yeeeeesss, I blame a male. Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Before you judge, please let me explain. This boy, probably cootie infested (I’m only saying that because I’m a bitter woman) was sooooo damn confusing. It reminded me of one of those EDM songs where the bass drops, then complete silence, & then one of those freakishly high-pitched sounds catches you off-guard & you are extremely overwhelmed, but still smiling as you head bang. Okay, so that comparison was basically the best description via words of what my heart was experiencing at the time. & I guess I needed to one up the dramatic situation, give it a little shove, show it who the alpha is (me yo), & do something reckless…liiiikkkeee draw three stars on a sticky note at 11:37 p.m. & get it permanently drawn on my shoulder the next day!!! He. He. Ughh. *incomprehensible noises* Go Riley!! Did it ease the pain? Sorta. Homeostasis? That’s what I’d prefer to call it.

I know you’ve all had glorious stories that are a million times more thrilling & STUPID than mine. Let’s hear it. I want to know the dumb stuff life pressures you into doing. It shapes who we are as people & always makes a good laugh during a coffee date or the 6 hour drive to Disneyland. AYE THIS IS ME LOWKEY TELLIN’ YA TO HMU WITH YO TALES.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I really-

okay this middle aged human in cargo shorts is looking at me weirdly because I’m eating my ice. Umm? Excuse me, but I paid $4 for this cold brew, thus I am going to finish it. This ice is money. Gotta stay hydrated, too. Jeeeeezus. Sheeeesh. Man.

Okay, now that I’m thinking about it, my blog posts are inspired by so many of y’all. Kinda want to tell you who, kinda don’t. A few of you would definitely be surprised to hear your name, your face, your existence was what I saw as I was typing. Better be blushing at that. It’s the humble thing to do, right? *wink, wink* 

It truly blows me away how much other people affect me. We choose to take the paths we do based on the emotions we feel, the people we meet, the voices we hear, the sensations, the sights, the goose bumps…

you have impacted me.

& I hope I have impacted you.

Maybe it was no big deal or maybe the impact was so large that you spent $72 of your “emergency money” on a tattoo (this was not too shabby of a deal in my opinion).

 

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 3

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE PT. 3

Every diet claims to be the “perfect” lifestyle plan for you.

Every diet has a set of rules & regulations & ideologies.

But every diet is different… they all contradict each other.

& every diet claims to be the “right” one.

ummm?

Well, today I am calling BULLSHIT.

Let me provide you with an alternative perspective.

Here are a few of my faaavvvoorrriitee diets:

  • Atkins Diet
  • Macrobiotic Diet
  • The Shangri-La Diet
  • The 3-Hour Diet
  • Breatharianism
  • Fruitarianism
  • Candida Theory
  • Elimination/Food-allergy Diet
  • Veganism**
  • The Rice Diet
  • The 5 Factor Diet
  • Zone Diet
  • DASH Diet
  • Blood Type Diet
  • Vegetarianism**
  • The Biggest Loser Diet
  • Modern Naturopathy
  • The Spectrum Diet
  • Overnight Diet
  • Raw Food Diet
  • The Fast Food Diet
  • The Aztec Diet
  • Paleolithic
  • 1500 Calorie Diet
  • The Protein Power Diet
  • Cabbage Soup Diet
  • Tablet and Supplement Diet
  • Traditional Hindu Health
  • Traditional Naturopathy
  • Colorado Diet
  • Classic Chinese Medicine
  • Pizza and Beer Diet
  • South Beach Diet
  • Kosher Diet
  • Runner’s Diet
  • The Morning Banana Diet
  • Medifast Diet
  • Weight Watcher’s Diet
  • The Flavor Point Diet
  • Nutrigenomic Diet
  • The Baby Food Diet
  • The Caveman Diet
  • The Pritikin Principle
  • The Volumetrics Diet
  • Juicing (liquid) Diet
  • The Gabriel Method Diet
  • Mediterranean Diet
  • The Perricone Diet
  • Nutrisystem
  • The Personality Type Diet
  • The Dukan Diet
  • Grape Fruit Diet
  • Sonoma Diet
  • Jenny Craig Diet
  • Park Avenue Diet
  • Slim-Fast Plan
  • Acid-Alkaline Diet
  • Facial Analysis Diet
  • The Virgin Diet
  • The Alpha Male Challenge
  • The Hot Belly Diet
  • Quantum Wellness Diet
  • Montignac Diet Method

Hey, I didn’t copy & paste any of those. I typed each & every single one out to release my anger. That is how serious I am right now ha (unlike the usual Ri we all know & sorta kinda love…tolerate?).

All of these diets claim to be “the one”. Hello??? Guys??? If every single diet is claiming this then why are we still believing them? Someone has to be lying here???

The dieting industry is the only business in the world with a 98% failure rate.

What does that tell you?

It tells me everything.

It tells me that maybe I shouldn’t be devoting all of my time & energy following the instructions of a business that doesn’t want me to be successful– they want my money.

It tells me that maybe I should trust my brain, my body, myself… over a non-human company that clearly has not empathy.

These companies see you as a stat, not as a person.

It tells me that maybe our diets never were the real problem.

Maybe it is that we were told our diets were a problem, so we changed them.

So we forgot what it meant to be mindful. We forgot to trust our own cues & instincts. We were taught that our body was going to hurt us if we gave it the reins. That it would catch us off-guard. We were taught that our bodies are our enemies & need to be controlled & constantly monitored.

Your body is what keeps you alive. How can you not trust it with your life when your body is your life?

But maybe, just maybe, we were okay this entire time.

& we still are okay.

–regardless of what we are brainwashed to think.

Until next time,

Ri

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**Hello, again. Look, don’t get me wrong. It’s great to be a vegan or vegetarian for moral reasons. I really admire those that do. But there’s a right & a wrong way to do it, & when a diet turns into an obsession then it’s time to reflect on the true reasons behind your choice of lifestyle. We all deserve happiness, thus do what will make you happy, starting with treating your insides & outsides with respect.

AVOCADO TOAST, BABY FT. BETTER BUZZ COFFEE

AVOCADO TOAST, BABY FT. BETTER BUZZ COFFEE

Famous chef Riley Irwin sweeps the nation in search of the world’s best avocado toast.

DEAR MY 13 READERS,

DEAR MY 13 READERS,

I love you. Was that too soon? I apologize if so. But here I am. Here I am sitting cross-legged in a coffee shop, sipping my 12 oz black coffee (as you might have expected), & reflecting. ‘Tis what I do. & I am sure […]

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE. PT. 2

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE. PT. 2

You know, it makes me really sad to see so many posts about failed diet & work out attempts & the unhappiness that has come with dedicating all of one’s time to this supposed “lifestyle“. *Anderson Cooper eye roll* Anyone who knows me well, knows that this topic brings out a passion in me like no other. Because I was there. I remember what it was like. I still can feel all of the great memories I could have made. And even more, I can feel all of the memories I made that could have been greater if someone would have slapped some sense into me. I was saved before it was too late. I was lucky. Look, there’s no such thing as a miracle diet. We all know that. Yet here we’re are still cutting out fats, carbs, dairy– essential nutrition because someone scared us into believing they are bad for our bodies. I don’t think something deemed “essential” could possibly be harmful. What’s even more funny, is the fact that we are able to ignore our biology lessons on cells, cycles, etc. & believe that we truly run on water & air. Nothing else.

Furthermore, the energy wasted on this never-ending quest to reach “perfect health” (oh shit I just said the h word!!) is energy that can’t be given back– it’s exhausting. The time spent & pointless dedication involved in calculating exactly how much & what to consume is completely unnecessary. Focusing this much on one thing is what is truly unhealthy. Not only is the physical aspect of food important for our bodies, but the social aspect has an equal importance for our minds & emotional well-being. I mean think about it.. think about the joy sharing a pizza with your friends brings. Think about all of the holidays & birthdays where a meal is shared amongst your family. Think about the spontaneous trips to IHOP for some pancakes at midnight. These are moments we shouldn’t have to evaluate; these are moments that shouldn’t require us to endure guilt &hesitation because someone decided that certain foods are too many calories. It’s stupid. It’s draining. I know for a fact that when you’re on your death bed you’re not going to be regretting that froyo you had last Tuesday.

I could go on & on for a bit, but with so much to say, I figured spitting everything out at once would be overwhelming to my 13 readers. For now, I leave you with these words. It’s up to you what to do with them. 

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TO BE CONTINUED…

((pretend the screen dramatically turns blank yuh know like one of those dramatic movies))

KICKIN' OFF SAN DIEGO WITH A BANG

KICKIN' OFF SAN DIEGO WITH A BANG

Hey everyone! These last few days, you could catch my other half & I scampering around the Pacific Coast (which I initially thought stood for “Peanut Butter” shhh don’t tell anyone). & we were being somewhat reckless by not putting on much sunscreen or drinking […]

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE.

BECOMING HEALTHY IS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING I’VE EVER DONE.

Becoming healthy is the most unhealthy thing I’ve ever done. Low blood pressure. Check. No diseases. Check. Normal cholesterol. Check. Low heart rate. Check. Not overweight. Check. 20/20 vision. Check. Athletic. Check. Adequate sleep. Check. Hydrated. Check. Did you eat your fruits and vegetables today? […]

WELL..UM HEY I GUESS I HAVE.. LIKE CHANGED A BIT

WELL..UM HEY I GUESS I HAVE.. LIKE CHANGED A BIT

Yes, college in fact changes us children emotionally & mentally. Some of us experience transformations- sometimes in the upward direction of maturity & sometimes in the downward direction towards our graves (foreshadowing a young, imminent death). But what about the physical aspect????? Would you like to hear about that today?? If not, this is your warning to close this tab. If you’re actually interested, please proceed to scroll. (Aye extra brownie points for you *wink wink*)

  1. My pee officially smells like coffee. Do I drink too much coffee? Possibly. Can you ever really drink too much? Nah. Is this new scent good? Let’s just say that Yankee probably won’t be making a candle inspired by this scent any time soon.
  2. My posture straight sucks (puns L O L).  Lugging a HUGE bag around, sleeping on a lopsided bed, & ravin’ to the grave has led to a very pretty arch in my back. But I like to look at glasses half full rather than half empty, thus I’m choosing to see that arch as a metaphor. Maybe it’s symbolizing a rainbow. Always rainbows after rain kids- hashtag never forget hashtag just girly things hashtag tumblr hashtag hashtag.
  3. The pressure on my body has decreased. Throughout this semester, I have worked to not be so hard on myself; ’tis okay to not be perfect, simple as that. Yes, I am a bio major which requires hours & hours of energy dedicated to studying & class, but I’ve found a balance that still includes time for shenanigans. I did learn in chemistry that when elevation increases, the atmospheric pressure decreases…so um this could be what I’m truly feeling. Buuuttt, I definitely wouldn’t have retained this lovely fact if I would have spent all of my blood, sweat, & tears on school, completely disregarding what makes me happy. I left enough life in my brain to actually remember knowledge two weeks past the test. It’s great.
  4. My majestic, voluminous beard grows a lot faster now that I am a lumberjack (even without the daily watering & sun exposure). I think it’s an NAU thing. It’s sorta like a rite of passage into Flagstaff, yuh know. Rita Cheng sees you have a beard? Acceptance letter is officially on its way. Congrats.
  5. I’ve developed chronic bunion pain. YAAAYYY YIPPEEEEE YAAASSS I can finally relate to the bunion removal commercials on TV.. exciting right? Try not to be too jealous! Honestly, if anyone is to blame, it is definitely the NAU bus system. If it wasn’t so shitty, I wouldn’t choose to walk 3 miles to class in my wedges. Buuuutttt fashion requires endurance.& crying myself to sleep every night because of stabbing sensations in my innocent feet sounds less painful than attempting to navigate around campus via Louie Line.

BEFORE & AFTER

ALL OF THE THINGS I AM NOT GETTING DONE, BUT AM GOING TO LIE TO MYSELF & SAY I AM- SUMMER 2017 DOG

ALL OF THE THINGS I AM NOT GETTING DONE, BUT AM GOING TO LIE TO MYSELF & SAY I AM- SUMMER 2017 DOG

Summer break is your time to relax, yet still simultaneously be productive. It’s a time when you actually have time to get stuff done, but in a casual, stress-free manner. Throughout second semester, we all find ourselves saying “This summer I will…” or “When school […]

23 MINUTES WORTH OF MY BRAIN'S THOUGHTS (HA SO NOT MUCH)

23 MINUTES WORTH OF MY BRAIN'S THOUGHTS (HA SO NOT MUCH)

Put Riley alone in Macy’s for 23 minutes on a fine Sunday morning. &&& BUH-BAM. She randomly spits out wisdom.. or is it absolute crap..or could it possibly be her flesh-burning coffee?? Eh, I’m going to go with D) all of the above because I think at […]

RI’S KINDA DECENT TIPS FOR FINALS PREP

RI’S KINDA DECENT TIPS FOR FINALS PREP

Finals are here. & I am out. Yuh feel me? ‘Tis a rough period for most college students. I’m guessing your semester-long disillusionment is fading and you’re finally sober enough to realize your grades aren’t as superb as you last remember? Maybe you’re in a delirium because you’ve discovered the “W” on your transcript stands for “withdrew” not for “winner”? ‘Tis a struggle. Reality always seems to hit us vulnerable kids head-first. The hysteria is spreading through campus more quickly than that cough every college student gets at least once a month. Ugh.

The angst sucks, so I’ve worked with a team of specialists (me, myself, & I) to establish 7 tips to help you prepare for finals. See, I’ve got yo back.

WARNING: These statements are backed-up with no evidence. Ha. Oops. My bad.

  1. Eat or be eaten.
  2. Sleep as little as possible for a few weeks. Then by the time finals come around, the 2 & a half hours of shut eye will feel normal. Your body will already have adapted to the extreme conditions.
  3. Buy a stop watch that you can use while studying. Why? Well, cleeeaaarrly so you can cry in 10-minute intervals without losing track of time.
  4. Don’t consume anything with the letter “F” in it. Disassociate yourself from the concept of a 59 or below. As far as you’re conncerned, the idea of failure no longer exists in this dimemsion.
  5. Watch Jeopardy every night for a week. Focus. Alex has all of your answers. Trust me.
  6. Turn your WiFi off. The trick is to use all of your data by keeping your WiFi off, so that when you are studying, you won’t be tempted to go on your phone! This month’s Verizon bill might be a wee bit high, but at least your debt won’t be (since you won’t lose your scholarship).
  7. All of those parties you skipped to watch Netflix, all of those bonfires you couldn’t get to because Uber was surging, all of those houses you weren’t able to get into because your male ratio was too high, and all of those raves and festivals you just couldn’t afford– well, this is your cue to make up for that lost time. Go crazy. Be wild. Do all of the stupid stuff you told yourself you wouldn’t. All of that peer pressure you overcame? Give in to it now. Crumble. Take three steps back. Disappoint mom and dad. Beeeecause the chance of finals killing you is a lot greater than any risky behavior.

HEEEEYY! I hope that these tips aid your studies somewhat! If they don’t or you become injured/ severely handicap from my advice, please don’t sue me. I don’t have money for you to take unless you find value in Kohl’s Cash & student loans.

 Here is your reason to keep pushing through the pain. Enjoy the three pictures of this beauty that I am leaving you with. Good luck.

THE DEHYDRATED, SLEEP DEPRIVED IR-TWINS WRECK THE ECO-FASHION SHOW FT. NO DRAMATIC FALLS ON STAGE OR WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS IN FLAG, AZ (ELEVATION 7000) & SORRY THIS TITLE IS SO ODDLY SHORT

THE DEHYDRATED, SLEEP DEPRIVED IR-TWINS WRECK THE ECO-FASHION SHOW FT. NO DRAMATIC FALLS ON STAGE OR WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS IN FLAG, AZ (ELEVATION 7000) & SORRY THIS TITLE IS SO ODDLY SHORT

Whoa whoa wait. Hold up. Riley’s not writing a blog post made up of nothing but sarcasm and bull shit?? What is this world becoming?? *confusion* *chaos* Unrecognizable. Well, two weeks ago (the night before Phx Lights), I was lucky enough to have the opportunity […]

PHOENIX EN[lights]TENMENT

PHOENIX EN[lights]TENMENT

The experience was absolutely indescribable. I can tell you that the euphoria took place Saturday and Sunday night last weekend, but that is it. Words can’t adequately explain April 8th and 9th of 2017. So why even bother trying? Anyone who has been to a […]

RI'S 7 MEDIOCRE CONCERT TIPS

RI'S 7 MEDIOCRE CONCERT TIPS

There’s nothing more euphoric than a taste of live music. Regardless of the size of the venue or the genre of music, hearing it in person is a one-of-a-kind experience. However, if we aren’t properly prepared for the obstacles that come with attending festivals and concerts, how can we expect to reach the highest levels of enjoyment?Well, I have put together 7 tips that may or may not help you have the ultimate, psychedelic, mind-blowing, existential, enlightening concert experience.

WARNING: For safety, you should be in good health and free from high blood pressure, heart, back, or neck problems, motion sickness, or other health conditions that could be aggravated by taking my brilliant advice.

  1. Too many people around you? Feeling suffocated? Well, instead of being a sardine, begin to scratch your head and complain to your friends about the lice you had last week. I swear to lord god jesus christ buddah muhammad colonel sanders that this works. You may receive a few disgusted looks, but it’s worth it to finally be able to breath without inhaling the person in front of you, next to you, and on top of you.
  2. When it’s time to leave and you want an effortless exit, surf your way out of the crowd. Not only is this super duper bad ass, but it’s also hilarious to get escorted out by security. Since it requires no energy, all you have to do is lie there limp, maybe throwin’ two peace signs in the air, and every one else will do the hard labor.
  3. Smuggle food. Yes, the entrance security pat-down can feel a wee bit more intimate than you are comfortable with, but that shouldn’t be your reason for not sneaking snacks in. Concerts and festivals are survival of the fittest, thus without your essential vitamins, how can you expect to outlive the rest of the crowd? In order to be successful, you first need to get a good look at the guards; you definitely want to go to the line with the worker who seems like they want to be there the least. Tip: beware of the older ladies. It’s like they can sense rebels. Secondly, bring a Cliff Bar (hence filling, yet still portable). I’ve had the best luck so far with stuffing it in my crotch area, but if that’s not risky enough for you, then stick it in your hat or the bottom of your shoe. Fourth, don’t act suspicious. Talk and laugh with your friends, show excitement for the concert, and don’t wear a guilty face. Simple as that.
  4. But something you want to wear are shoes that give you power and assert dominance. Don’t wear flip flops. Wear heavy bricks such as Dr. Martins that will crush anyone who tries to steal your spot. Put those fellow fans in their place. This sounds kind of mean, but let’s be real here, concerts can cause a temporary loss of humanity even in the nicest people.
  5. Bring a rain poncho. Why? I mean rain is a foreign substance to Arizona.. the temps can rise as high as 120 and reach as low as 119 on a cooler day. Well, funny, because that’s exactly why I am saying to bring a rain poncho. Heat + alcohol – common sense = projectile vomiting. Tori and I have sadly found ourselves as victims in these type of situations- it’s honestly the worst. So better safe than sorry. The importance of protection can’t be stressed enough.
  6. Also, be sure to wear a skirt if you are a girl. If your bladder is on the verge of exploding, but your babes are about to come on stage, you then have the option to pee in a cup. Have I ever done this? No. Will it work? I don’t know. Is this sanitary? Eh, debatable. Is this good advice? I don’t know, try it, and then let me know.
  7. Lastly, constantly dance and never stop. Be as obnoxious as possible. Trust me on this one. The second you give your body the opportunity to rest, you’re going to realize how close to death you truly are. Whether it’s from intense dehydration, standing in place for 12 hours, or the need for a solid power nap, you ABSOLUTELY can’t let your body know it’s almost reached its limit. The trick is to stay numb to the pain and pass out later. Delay the heat stroke for as long as you can. Tell it to come back in a couple of hours. -1/10 doctors would recommend this– but who listens to medical professionals anyways?

I’m leaving y’all here with a genuine Good Luck. 

WHAT'S BREWIN BOYS

WHAT'S BREWIN BOYS

Hello, my name is Riley and I am considered a regular at multiple coffee shops. Many baristas remember my order as soon as they see my face in line. Currently, I am cradling a cup of coffee in my hand. Dark roast is running through my veins. […]

HOW TO PROPERLY VOYAGE FROM THE SAGUARO TO THE SAND

HOW TO PROPERLY VOYAGE FROM THE SAGUARO TO THE SAND

My favorite part about California? Awhh thanks for asking. Well, to answer that question even though no one actually cares about my answer, I’d just like to say it’s the ride there. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know that sounds so god damn weird, but I […]

HOW NOT TO BE A FAMOUS BLOGGER

HOW NOT TO BE A FAMOUS BLOGGER

I wear shades inside public places so my fans don’t recognize me. 

As it says in my bio on my “About Me” page, which you probably haven’t read because I am not famous:

“One of the first things I remember reading in a book on how to start a blog was that in order to be successful, the blog needs to have one specific theme and target audience.”

And if you continued to read on, which you probably didn’t because why would you since I’m not famous, you’d learn that:

“…I don’t want to be successful, so my blog doesn’t have either of these things.”

I also remember reading that blogs should be posted routinely. You know, like exactly two posts per week, every Monday and Wednesday. It’s supposed to show that the blog is persistent & dependable. I actually gave this idea a shot, but I quickly discovered that this turned Her Life On The Veg into a scheduled chore. & I can’t decide that on Sunday night every week I am going to feel inspired enough to write something that is semi-decent & won’t completely waste your time. It just doesn’t work that way. Furthermore, why would I blog shit on a regular basis? Then all of you would learn which days not to go on social media (in order to avoid my Instagram posts of desperation begging you to click the link in my bio). Yes, this could be another reason I am not famous. I am well-aware of that.

I am still not famous. This is my 41st post. Is it because I constantly talk about how much my blog sucks? Eh, possibly. But I don’t want to run around telling everyone my newest post is going to cure their chronic bunion pain or clear their credit card history. I mean that’s complete bull shit. Let’s be real here- at the absolute most you may half smile at one of my jokes or get a slight confidence boost because you’re not stupid enough to devote all of your energy to writing an unsuccessful blog.

I am doing it all wrong. If you want to be successful, do the complete opposite of me. My logo? I made it on the paint program (that came with everyone’s computer) in a little over 15 minutes. Should I have paid someone, maybe a big name artist, maybe someone who can draw a pretty circle without the assistance of the bottom of a cup? Yeah, sure. But like I said, I am not famous so most of you have probably never even noticed the carrot at the top of this page. My lack of fame has probably also kept you from noticing that same logo on my hydroflask (you know the thing every true Flagstaff-ian carries around). By the way, I have about 13 more identical stickers of my logo, so if you’d like to promote an unsuccessful, not famous blog, hit me up.

I am not famous nor am I semi-famous. This brings about the question– how does one “start from the bottom, now I’m here”? But where is “here”? The top? Let me tell you, I don’t know your definition of “the top”, but I am currently sitting at Macy’s sipping a cup of house coffee, hunched over my computer typing, pretending the Childish Gambino playing on their speakers is the score to the movie I am starring in & my god I am on top of the world. I’m digging this high location. This is the height I’ve wanted to reach. The view is great; this is fame.

 

 

CRUSHED IT.

CRUSHED IT.

Do you ever make spontaneous decisions? I know for a fact that you know the insane ideas I am talking about. We all have them. But the question is… do you ever follow through with them? Well, my friends and I are crazy. Soooo we often […]

5 VERY IMPORTANT THINGS COLLEGE HAS TAUGHT ME

5 VERY IMPORTANT THINGS COLLEGE HAS TAUGHT ME

College is a learning experience. It is a zoo, a prison, & a luxurious spa vacation all compiled into one place (10 million miles long, 100 million buildings wide, & lacks any logical pattern of arrangement) for your convenience. There’s always a new face to meet, a […]

CHEAP DATE, AYE?

CHEAP DATE, AYE?

Putting together the perfect date to impress the perfect girl is probably more stressful than that time you cried in 15 minute intervals as you frantically tried to teach yourself an entire chapter of math the night before your last test. 

The perfect date requires three things:

  1. originality
  2. thoughtfulness
  3. yet still be affordable

The struggle is too real.

Well, I’m going to need you to wipe those wet cheeks children because I have a solution for you.

I absolutely love coffee dates. The cozy atmosphere, the quality time, & the aroma of roasted coffee beans- don’t even get me started. That’s honestly all it takes to win me over, but I know you all want to amp up your game a bit. To add that extra pizzazz, you need to move the coffee shop to a mountain. Find a nearby trail, pick your date up when the skies are still dark, hike up the mountain, & find a comfortable rock to sit on. & as the sun begins to rise, romantically reveal a hydroflask full of hot (hopefully at least a little warm) coffee. Gracefully pour it in the two most generic mugs you could possibly find in your pantry. Don’t whisper a word, just listen to the sound of you both sipping coffee & the rest of the world waking up. Beautiful, right? If you’re with me, though, you have to add in some sounds of a choking girl because I often take too big of a sip & set my organs on fire. Trust me, it’s a Riley thing.

This morning, I took the perfect girl on the perfect date. It was at 7:01 a.m. that we clicked our coffee cups together & then took a sip. But the sip was not only of coffee, it was a sip of a pink & orange sky. It was a sip of the mountains & cacti shadows that stood in the distance. It was a sip of the four hot air balloons that lined the horizon. It was a sip of the birds that told Arizona it was time to get out of bed.

What a good morning.

Take those you love on cheap dates often. Those are truly the most sincere.

Take her camping in your backyard, take her wine testing on your kitchen floor, take her shopping at the nearest thrift store, take her to that fancy restaurant & just order water, take her for a photo shoot with your disposable camera, take her to a concert in your car with your favorite playlist on blast. The cheaper, the better.

LET’S GET BREAKFAST

LET’S GET BREAKFAST

The chaos of college is thrilling; finally having the ability and the power to take any path without having to ask permission first is something that never gets old. We are always warned to not let the freedom get to our head, but here we […]

Don’t Say The H Word!!

Don’t Say The H Word!!

H*****y A new year brings many new goals for people, most of which will be forgotten about within a week or two. I mean life is unpredictable & time is something we all could use a little more of, so I don’t blame anyone for […]

FIVE EMBARRASSING FACTS ABOUT TORI IRWIN

FIVE EMBARRASSING FACTS ABOUT TORI IRWIN

  1. She eats from a trough or so you would think.
  2. She talks in a British accent in her sleep. This actually happened. No joke. We were at a sleepover and let me just say, I was so incredibly grateful that everyone was necked when she started quoting Pirates of The Caribbean. Second-hand embarrassment is real.
  3. Tori goes to the bathroom with the door open. Always. Tori goes to the bathroom when I’m taking a shower. Tori tries to have conversations with me when I am across the hall and she is pissing. I have seen Tori eat a Larabar on the toilet. She pisses everywhere. In just about every front yard, every trail, and every piece of open land, Tori has marked her territory.. the U.S. has some competition am I right.
  4. There’s no such thing as a five second rule. We’ve dropped food at Disneyland and she still viewed it as clean enough to consume. Hotel floors, dorm floors, floor floors, you name it– all you have to do is say “yo Tori, eat it” and she will without hesitation.
  5. I’ve never seen her without socks on. Yes, Tori is that person that wears socks to bed. Try not to judge her too hard pals… okay I honestly can’t make fun of her for this one because I am the same way. Shhhh we know we are weird, but I mean c’mon socks are what make the world go ’round.

Well, thanks for once again wasting your life reading one of my blog posts! I hope you all have gained a new insight on the other half of the Irwin Twins! Just try not to be too mean to her- gingers have feelings too.

 

LOVE IS MITOSIS

LOVE IS MITOSIS

Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation. Or it could be the excessive black coffee in my veins. Or maybe it was that philosophy class I attended one time before switching out. I have no idea why I am typing this blog post. I do know that […]

Riley’s Cover Video

Riley’s Cover Video

Hey guys!!! Finally made a cover video after so many requests! Enjoy! The link is below!!

I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY

I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY

It was on January 23rd that I celebrated my birthday– hold up– whoa whoa whoa– but wait a minute.. “Riley’s birthday isn’t on January 23rd… it’s on May 21st.”

Exactly.

The story takes place this past winter break. Riley, a fashion enthusiast, seized a few good sales on a few very good dresses. However, she never ended up having a reason to dress all fancy smancy while back home. Wow. Sad. Hard life. First world problems.

Sorry folks, but it doesn’t end quite yet.

The story continues back at NAU. Riley was casually eating a spinach wrap at the Hotspot for lunch one nippy Thursday afternoon. And don’t get me wrong, that wrap was fiiiinnee. It was dammmnn finnneee. Yet she suddenly developed an immense craving for something more.. but what…what could possibly be more than this??? And then it hit her. She needed some god damn Wildflower.

And what do you know, there’s a part three.

The story once again continues on when Riley sees her gorgeous friends and realizes that their kind souls deserve an opportunity to dress up all nice, go out for a nice meal, and just have a nice time together.

But Riley couldn’t think of any special occasion to celebrate.

Okay, so this is the climax. Eh, it’s not very exciting. *insert hype* This is the part when I improvised. I decided it was the perfect time to have the birthday dinner I always say I am going to have, but never do. And pals, 10/10 recommend celebrating your birthday whenever you feel like it. My purpose wasn’t to celebrate myself (I mean it wasn’t a typical party with presents and party favors), but instead to make some high-quality memories with some high-quality people. But don’t get me wrong, this is the first birthday I’ve ever celebrated alone, without my metaphorically Siamese (not by choice clearly) twin racing to blow out the same candles as me. But, back to the point, it was the perfect excuse to dress snazzy, enjoy a dinner that’s a slight upgrade from campus crap, and live life on the edge (or should I say veg?? LOL that wasn’t funny I will stop now) by driving in the blizzard that’s been plaguing Flagstaff for about four days now.

And yes, we had a great time. I told a worker (not going to say his name because I know my blog is so famous that those Wildflower corporate personnel might see this) that it wasn’t actually my birthday and after whispering “shhhh”, he let me pick out a slice of cake. Shout out to him.

But all in all, this is one of my few blog posts that actually have somewhat of a purpose. If you want to go out & do some shenanigans, whether it be 4 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning, don’t hesitate. You don’t need a reason to enjoy yourself. & if you really want an excuse, follow my lead, & decide that today is the lucky day. Today is the day you are choosing to celebrate your birthday.

Happy Birthday! I hope it is a memorable one!! xo

-Ri

 

It Just.. Like.. Happens.

It Just.. Like.. Happens.

Once again, Ri is writing a pointless blog post about random ass thoughts that hopefully at least make a little sense?? (Be an angel please & ignore any bad grammar or typos) Isn’t it funny the way people can affect us without even trying? Or how […]

A DEEP INSIGHT ON THE STUDY OF GIRL CRUSHES

A DEEP INSIGHT ON THE STUDY OF GIRL CRUSHES

My intro can be summed up with: read on if you feel like it. Okay, admit it. We all have girl crushes. I am not talking about a random “flawless” girl you saw on Instagram who immediately makes your entire body fill with jealousy. I’m […]

The Irwins Go Indie

The Irwins Go Indie

HEY PALS! How’s it going? As winter break comes to a close for many of you kids, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc. are being filled with indie video after indie video. Well, even though “if you’ve seen one video you’ve seen them all”, you should still waste your time (2 minutes and 31 seconds more or less) watching Tori and I’s winter break film (I said “film” because that makes it sound artsy). It will be worth it- I promise! Okay, I lied. I can’t promise you that. But whatever. Those 2 minutes and 31 seconds are bound to be wasted anyways. So why not waste your life, while simultaneously making some twingers smile? I can never repay you all for that sort of sacrifice. Try not to comment too much hate.

Here’s the link:

The Irwins Go Indie- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZkKhVxfuDU&t=1s 

THE ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE STORY OF KARMA & BEANIE’S FIRST HIKE EVER

THE ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE STORY OF KARMA & BEANIE’S FIRST HIKE EVER

 After moving to Flagstaff 6 months ago, I discovered a new dream of mine. It was inspired by the plethora of dog & owner dates I’d watch every Saturday morning through a window at Macy’s European Coffeehouse. I suddenly knew what I wanted in life. I […]

Empty Wallet, Full Closet

Empty Wallet, Full Closet

Yes, I am passionate about a few too many things- but is it really that bad to find yourself fascinated by everything &very enthusiastic about life? I honestly don’t think so. Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that I am somewhat normal. Who knows. […]

Um Why Is That Pizza Green?

Um Why Is That Pizza Green?

Before you judge the pizza for being green, you need to try it first. I mean isn’t that the polite thing to do?

I always see such creative recipes on Pinterest, so I pin them. Buuuttt rather than attempt those recipes, I end up just staring at a bunch of pins every time I go on and continually tell myself “someday I will make this”. Well, I finally decided that “someday” shall be December 26th. && I recruited my assistant chef, Tori (you might know her as the other Irwin).

Tori and I decided to go for the broccoli pizza crust because it sounded pretty basic (the only ingredients being broccoli, eggs, cheese, and some spices). To take it even further (since go big or go home am I right), we wanted to try the “green pizza”, which is made up of only green items such as pesto, green peppers, spinach, arugula, and avocado. Green is a cool color, especially to us Irish folk.

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When I cook, though, I can’t help but take short cuts. I tend to skip ingredients deemed ‘not important enough’ (by my judgement) or change around steps to make it easier. Obviously, this results in a lot of disasters, but I honestly haven’t learned at all from those mistakes, thus still take short cuts every time. In this instance, I decided to not use a food processor to chop up the broccoli, but instead use my hands (I washed them well first, don’t worry). My excuse: I just moved and didn’t know where the processor was and was too hungry to waste time looking.

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Due to this, the mixture was a wee bit chunky, but it was made with love, which practically guaranteed it’d taste amazing- right? (Main ingredients- sugar, spice, and everything nice)
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Not only did it not resemble a pizza, but it also didn’t resemble typical broccoli crust. But hey, we are nonconformists soooo it was all good.
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Here is an exclusive look at the finished product. And OH MY GOD it was delicious if you were wondering.

I realize ‘green’ is often perceived as ‘gross’ or is associated with health-conscious, wannabe alternatives that taste like cardboard. PLEASE PEOPLE do not make the mistake of assuming you won’t like this because it’s green. I can not stress that enough! ((Not to mention, there is cheese in the crust sooo there actually are more colors than just green in the pizza shhhh))

I am really excited to try making cauliflower crust and quinoa crust someday (hopefully someday soon) because I absolutely love pizza. And what better way to express that fiery passion than by playing around with a variety of homemade recipes? Annnnddd if anyone would like to join Tori and I with this pizza party adventure fun, feel free to drop by. Orrrr we can just go buy some pizza together instead.

In a Holidaze

In a Holidaze

December 24th 5 P.M. Christmas has officially started (regardless of what the calendar says). December 24th 5:01 P.M. The anticipation is here- this is when it truly begins. December 24th 6:49 P.M. It’s tradition at my house to open one present this evening, but “just […]

The Farewell Friends

The Farewell Friends

Hello everyone. I’ve been using my blog to put down a lot of my random thoughts lately, so I apologize if anyone is annoyed! But when new obstacles & challenges block my path, words tend to come easy to me. And by writing them out, […]

SMILE, YO

SMILE, YO

If you know me than you most definitely know that any well-trained doctor would diagnose me with an extreme case of the giggles. Or that I can’t keep a straight face for more than .2 seconds (the frowning Snapchat filter is the only way I can do longer). Or that I am that stranger who smiles at all of the people giving me death stares or avoiding eye contact when walking to class. I know I am weird. But I swear this smiling thing has made me overall a more positive person. So today, I want to give you 11 reasons to smile (10 is just way too mainstream of a number):

  1. It’s only Saturday, so guess what? One more day to sleep in, relax, hang out with your friends, and one more day to procrastinate studying for finals (smile because you are screwed and accept that).
  2. There’s so much great music being released. Go on Spotify and listen to all of the new albums that have come out these last few months. There are some on there to die for. No joke.
  3. Incredibles 2 is in the making. This is incredible news (puns am I right). We all know we’ve been waiting our whole lives for this moment.
  4. Chocolate chip pancakes exist. Annnndddd IHOP and Denny’s are open 24 hours, so whether you want pancakes now or at 2:54 a.m., they are within reach.
  5. Google “Obama and Biden bromance”. You will smile I promise.
  6. New Girl is on Netflix. And lets be real, that show will bring you lots and lots of smiles. Especially if Winston’s cat is on the episode you’re watching.
  7. It’s the weekend and that means this is the time when Costco has the MOST and BEST samples. HELL FRICKIN’ YEAH.
  8. I want you to think about your pet right now, whether it’s a dog, cat, or iguana. I bet you $10 (which I do not have btw) that you smiled.
  9. Remind yourself what you looked like in middle school.
  10. It’s almost Christmas. Do you realize in 15 days you are going to be able to watch A Christmas Story ALL DAY LONG. #winnerwinnerchickendinner #didshejustsaythat #howembarrassing #blamingmyweirdnessonthealtitude
  11. Your smile is contagious. That should be the reason you smile.

Look, I sincerely apologize if I didn’t make you smile. But heeeyyy I’d prefer that you pretend something in this blog post made you smile (even if it was a smile because you feel bad for me). Then I can go to sleep tonight thinking I accomplished something this fine Saturday. I mean the most productive thing I did today was either changing the toilet paper roll or remembering to take my vitamins, so I’d appreciate the help.

Just My Rant About Your Worth No Big Deal

Just My Rant About Your Worth No Big Deal

Hi, what’s up guys? So today I was waiting outside an office for a meeting and all of a sudden I felt the need to rant. But I had no one to rant to (unless you count the receptionist, but I didn’t want to interrupt […]

Ri’s Christmas Challenge

Ri’s Christmas Challenge

Okay so yes Christmas is about a lot of things- love, appreciation, family, cookies… But lets face it. We can’t act like Christmas has nothing to do with presents (as much as our grateful selves try to convince everyone). Presents are one of my favorite […]

ED & Me

ED & Me

People are obsessed with food. We talk about food, we bond over food, we take pictures of food and post them for the world to see, we read about food, we wear food, we personalize our food, we fight over food beliefs. But what if I told you the one thing we are so sure is about food is actually not? Would you be surprised to hear that an eating disorder is not all about food? That maybe you who is considered “normal” is more obsessed than someone with a disorder? Because that is what I am going to tell you right now.

I got a lot of great feedback regarding the depression (Dear Depression) and the bully (My Bully) post, so I thought I’d go for Round 3 with another friend of mine:

How long have you had an eating disorder?

-Since I was 11, but it has come in phases.

So you’ve had periods in your life when it hasn’t been active?

-Yes. Certain ages it was worse than others. When I was younger, I did not even know I had one; I thought my behaviors were normal. I literally stretched an unflattering  picture of me on photoshop, printed it out, and hung it on my wall to serve as “motivation” to eat less and exercise more. I was only in sixth grade and I thought there was nothing strange about this.

What disorders have you been diagnosed with?

-Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Anorexia Athletica, Body Dysmorphia

Would you consider yourself healed?

-I can be considered healed if you look at my actions. However, psychologically it’s something I can never fully recover from. Sometimes this is difficult to accept, but I have to remind myself that this is my reality.

Can you explain a little more of what you mean by that?

-My eating disorder is sneaky. I may feel perfectly healthy and fine, but subconsciously be falling into my behaviors again. I might not realize that the runs I go on have grown longer and the time I spend eating has shortened. Or that I am choosing lower calorie foods at restaurants and reading all the nutrition labels at the grocery store. There is this voice in the back of my mind that constantly haunts me–it makes me believe my clothes are getting tighter and my athletic performance is weakening. One word to describe it: shitty.

Are there any stigmas you’d like to put an end to?

-I wish I could put an end to the idolization of eating disorders. People assume that you do not have a disorder if you are not extremely underweight and think you are fat. In fact, most insurances will not pay for treatment unless you are a certain percentage underweight, which is absolutely ridiculous. It disgusts me that people congratulate others who lose a significant amount of weight and call them an inspiration, simply because their starting weight would be considered “a few extra pounds” or “improvable”. I started at an average weight and people complimented my body as I began to shed pounds, and unknowingly encouraged a premature death for me. I cannot be angry with people for being ignorant…I just want them to understand that unhealthy weight loss is unhealthy weight loss, regardless of what you look like.

What is your opinion on society’s perception of eating disorders?

-Society does not truly understand what an eating disorder is. It is about so much more than weight and food–it’s about control, trauma coping, genetic susceptibility, etc. I used my eating disorder as a comfort; it gave me a sense of control and security. In fact, it gave me a sense of superiority and false confidence. Thus, telling me I am skinny and saying all I have to do is eat to solve my problems is honestly quite humorous. If only it were that simple–I would not have had to spend 45 days impatient. An eating disorder is an addiction, but unlike drug addicts and alcoholics, I cannot stay dry. I have to face my addiction…at least 6 times a day. I do not expect perfection, I just want society to not be so narrow-minded. You can say the words “fat” and “throw up” in front of me…you can invite me to get pizza…you can make a joke about weight. I am a human, not an illness.

And one more thing:

-To anyone who is struggling with an eating disorder, think you might be, or know someone who is, push for treatment. It might be the greatest challenge of your life, but if you even want a life, it is vital. I did not realize how exhausting every day was for me–both mentally and physically–until I accepted help. You are capable and you deserve recovery.

HYDRO HOOPLA

HYDRO HOOPLA

In order to complete the transition from high school wannabe to kool kollege kid, every individual must make a purchase that is normally between $25 and $40 (no, this is not including the cost of tuition). This purchase is how one can finally feel like […]

How To Holiday With A College Student Budget Phase 2

How To Holiday With A College Student Budget Phase 2

Warning: There are high levels of sarcasm throughout this blog post. Please proceed with caution. Well guys, it is still holiday time!!! And I still have no money!!!! I am sure many of you can relate (or at least are cautious spenders). Once again, I […]

This Is My Bully

This Is My Bully

Outside was basically a hurricane. I am a foreigner to all weather conditions other than dry heat, so I’m probably being a little dramatic. I apologize for this. But I guarantee it was at least sprinkling. I met with an old friend for coffee. At first we partook in small talk, but just like any old friend, we soon resumed the deep conversations that decorated our (what feels like forever) past. Our talk eventually shifted to the subject of bullying and how my friend had experienced that as a child. After hearing her story, I thought a bit. I received a large amount of good feedback after posting a blog from a friend’s perspective of depression, so I decided to do this again. This time from the perspective of an old friend of mine who had once dealt with a bully:

“When people hear the word ‘bully’, they imagine that big, bulky boy who takes a victim’s lunch money while simultaneously shoving him to the ground. When other people hear the word ‘bully’, they think of the pretty blonde girl who coughs the word ‘slut’ as she sashays around her victim. My bully did not follow this stereotype. My bully was another girl in my class. She didn’t have very many friends. Even I was more of a classmate to her than a friend. I don’t remember how it started. I just remember her forcing me to do what she said. I remember my bully telling me I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my best friends. I remember my bully grabbing on to my leg, refusing to let go, and threatening to cry if I moved a muscle. She gave me rules I had to follow. She’d quiver her lip or give me dirty looks if I didn’t comply perfectly. The guilt I felt was unbearable. She always painted me out to be a bad person. And I cried. A lot. She told me I wasn’t allowed to see any of my friends anymore (except for her). She isolated us. When I’d try to run away, she’d grip one of my limbs hard, then drag me even further from civilization. I was often overwhelmed and afraid. I remember going home from school because I was sick one afternoon. When I returned the next day, I found her wearing my jacket. I remember my bully slowly walking over to me, then dropping in my hand a broken teddy bear, a cheerio, and an old chewed pencil. To a nine year old this is plain horrifying. Honestly, this is still horrifying to me. I tried to reach out to my friends for help, but I was alone. No one understood the slave I had become to this girl. I remember my teacher sent us both to the counselor because we were supposedly having “friend problems” (this was after I was found hiding in a bathroom stall from her). I remember the tears that fell down my cheek as I begged the counselor to help me. To please make her stay away from me. To please protect me. I explained to the counselor how fearful I was to go to school. I explained to her everything that had gone on. The counselor comforted me, then said it sounded like we needed a week apart. She reminded me that all friends have problems every now and then. I cried more. After the session, my “friend” didn’t leave me alone. It was as if the counselor had never spoken to her. All was the same except this time I saw myself as overreacting. The teachers thought it was no big deal, so maybe I was the cynical one. And I remained sad, silent, and confused. Thank God for summer break. Thank God I changed schools next year.

I never recognized her actions as bullying. No one else did, so why would I? I didn’t write my story down to entertain you, but rather to inform you. Harassment is bullying. Just because a bully isn’t an identical copy of a bully in a movie, doesn’t mean the victim’s case is illegitimate. Intimidating, dominating, tormenting, harassing, tyrannizing, pressuring, and forcing are all forms of bullying. Don’t take this story as a reason not to go to teachers or adult figures for help. You should never have to suffer through bullying alone, so it is essential to reach out to others. However, I do want you to realize bullying can be under the radar. It can initially appear as part of the cycle of “friendship” as mine did. Regardless of who the bully is, where it’s taking place, or if anyone else is reacting, IT IS STILL WRONG. Never forget that.”

Before parting ways, my old friend mentioned the importance of the word “my” in front of the word “bully”. Every bully is different; we can’t categorize them as one. We don’t want people walking the streets with these stereotypes engraved in their heads, completely oblivious to the victims out there with the not-so-typical circumstances.
How To Holiday With A College Student Budget Phase 1

How To Holiday With A College Student Budget Phase 1

  Warning: There are high levels of sarcasm throughout this blog post. Please proceed with caution. It is officially the most wonderful time of the year! It was all fun and games until I opened up my wallet only to find a few coins, a Forever […]

"RUNNING SUCKS"

"RUNNING SUCKS"

Most people refer to me as “crazy” because I run on my own will and I FRICKIN LOVE IT. I wasn’t born a runner. I wasn’t born with this magical desire to run. I am not  a “natural” at running either. Don’t get me wrong, those […]

Lose The Attitude For Some Gratitude

Lose The Attitude For Some Gratitude

Three cheers if you hate writing essays! Three cheers if you used to like writing until school happened to you!! Three cheers if you used to like writing until your teacher pointed out all the reasons your paper sucks!!! Three cheers if your teacher would mark me down for my horrible grammar!!!! Hell yeah!!!! The item featured this week entails writing, but I promise it is minimal, meaningful, and most definitely gets an A+ on my scale of greatness. What’s unique this week? It is the amazing…..GRATITUDE JOURNAL! Yay!

  1. When you’re having one of those days. That’s as far as my description goes because everyone knows what I mean when I say one of those days.  Sometimes writing down a few things your grateful for can totally transform your attitude. It’s the little things in life that really count in the end! Also, it is just as aesthetically pleasing as it sounds. Write it when you are drinking your aesthetic tea in your aesthetic mug on your aesthetically white bed sheets in the morning and you can post about it on your aesthetic Instagram page.
  2. This is not demanding at all. Trust me, as soon as I became a college student I suddenly caught this virus that makes me extremely lazy and unwilling to do anything unnecessary. Sooooo writing a few bullet points of what I am grateful for is basically effortless (it requires little brain power), yet still has such a strong impact.
  3. There are always things to do, places to go, and people to see. We all get caught up in ourselves and forget to step back once in a while. We forget to look at the big picture. Being reminded of what we are grateful for is the perfect way to come out of our caves and see more than our temporary problems and materialistic ideas.
  4. All you need is 20 seconds of insane cour- JUST KIDDING. You actually only need about 10 seconds to jot down a few grateful thoughts. (You can’t use your insanely busy and important life as an excuse anymore. Sorry.)
  5. Admit it. Each and every one of us has hopelessly attempted to write a diary and have miserably failed. Well, this is your moment of redemption via gratitude journal. Except this time you won’t have to deal with a sore hand as you struggle to turn your as average as average can possibly be day into a soap opera.

You can buy an actual gratitude journal or be your creative self and make your own out of a $1 notebook. I believe in you. You got this. Thanksgiving is coming up.. GET AHEAD OF THE GAME

 

The Girl With The Avocado Tattoo

The Girl With The Avocado Tattoo

As many of you know, last May (18th birthday yay adulthood!!) I got my first tattoo! The amount of comments I’ve gotten since then… ha ha there’s been a whole lot. I’ve been asked why I have a pear on my leg. I’ve had people […]

THAT’S FLAN-TASTIC

THAT’S FLAN-TASTIC

One of my favorite things to throw on before walking out the door is definitely a flannel! I have a variety of colors and styles and it takes like 0 seconds to find one that will match my outfit (because they match EVERYTHING). I buy […]

Happy 16 Years From Becoming President

Happy 16 Years From Becoming President

Hey everyone!!!! Today is Dylan’s 19th date of birth soooooo SHOUT OUT TO HIM!! 21 years away from living in the White House! Instead of hurling a million page biography of our last two and a half years together at you all, I’m just going to keep it short and simple! BUH-BAM:

It all started out with a tweet. I was having a crappy day & just like any normal sophomore would do, I turned to Twitter so I could vent to my closest strang- I mean friends. (That was sarcastic by the way). Well, my dramatic self who swore the world was coming to an end tweeted “I give up”. Pathetic, I know. Honestly, it must have not been that bad of a day because I can’t even remember why I was upset. Probably a first world problem that my current self would respond to with a “smh” or for the less text savvy “shaking my head”. Then *insert holy music* IT HAPPENED. Some random dude from twitter (well not completely random since we went to the same school) DMed me & talked to me until I could find a reason not to give up.  Yes, I know. This is soooooo incredibly cheesy especially since it was over twitter, but I swear one day it will inspire a Nicholas Sparks book. But all in all, this is how I learned that a person named Dylan O’Connell existed and I am very thankful I decided to follow him back on twitter or else he would not have been able to message me (God bless). Even though I had never met this guy, he was there for me since day one, & has been every day since.

I can never repay you Dylan, happy birthday.

 

Dry Shampoo And I Are Pretty Tight

Dry Shampoo And I Are Pretty Tight

The item I chose for this week is none other than DRY SHAMPOO! I never used it because it would always leave flakes in my hair (I was afraid people would think it’s dandruff). But then on a magical day (Wednesday to be exact) in a magical place (TJ […]

Look For The Leaping Bunny

Look For The Leaping Bunny

I am not going to show you pictures of neglected animals who were tested on. I am not going to write page after page claiming how bad of a person you are for using these products. I am not going to lecture you, guilt you, or […]

Smell Your Way To Happiness

Smell Your Way To Happiness

Okay the item this week may seem kind of weird… *drum roll* SCENTED MARKERS!!!!! But hey it’s the little quirky stuff that make life more fun and interesting! I have two different brands of markers: Mr. Sketch and Crayola (both of which are great and you can buy just about anywhere). I always have some with me, whether they are in my backpack when I go to school or in my purse when I go to a coffee shop!

  1. Plain markers are BORING. Why buy lame markers when smelly markers automatically make you cooler than the average person!! Gotta spice up life sometimes.
  2. It’s fun to smell them and it keeps me awake in class. (I’m always falling asleep, so I just pull out my markers and smell them to give me something to do. It’s different, but hey it works!)
  3. It’s funny to gross out my friends with this marker called “Barnyard”. They took the smell of a pigpen and put it in marker form for your convenience!!!!!! All the time I tell my friends to smell my “strawberry” marker. HA. Yes, I know that is very kind of me.
  4. You never know when you’re going to need markers. Every moment is unpredictable.
  5. Beeeeeccause you need to celebrate your inner child once in a while. Adult-ing can get old.

Scented markers are what’s unique this week because they are a prized possession that is often deemed to be junk. So lets start a revolution and remind the world why this item is essential to our human existence. It starts with one purchase.